


Come What May

by Honey_Cha



Category: BTOB, VIXX
Genre: Fighting Discrimination, Homophobia, M/M, Part 6VIXX, Part HakyeonxMinhyuk, Romance, Suicide Attempt, some smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-03
Updated: 2017-12-13
Packaged: 2018-11-08 11:08:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 74,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11080305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Honey_Cha/pseuds/Honey_Cha
Summary: Hakyeon and Minhyuk are a happy (secret) couple, until some hacked pictures expose their relationship to the world.





	1. Hacked

The pictures were all over the Internet. Some crazy “fan” had hacked into the cloud that contained all the pictures on Minhyuk’s phone. All of them. And while most of what they’d shared was harmless, there were two photos that were not. In one, Hakyeon and Minhyuk were lying in bed, and though the photo didn’t show anything lower than their waists, from the top up they had nothing on. Hakyeon had his arms around Minhyuk and his head on his chest. His eyes were closed, his relaxed expression and posture suggesting he was sleeping. Minhyuk was kissing the top of his head, one arm around him, the other holding the phone with which he’d taken the picture. It would have been a very sweet image, had it remained private like it was supposed to. In the other, Minhyuk and Hakyeon were at least clothed. But they were happily kissing each other, their eyes closed. Again, it appeared Minhyuk had taken it himself.  
It was a scandal. Hakyeon ran his hands through his hair, overwhelmed. Why…of all people…neither he nor Minhyuk had ever thought something like this would happen. They’d been so careful all this time, taking every precaution they could not to get caught. They’d even made it a point not to take or send especially revealing photos, as some small part of them knew that, as celebrities, being hacked was a risk. But for it to actually happen…and for the hacker to release those photos…  
Hakyeon pressed a hand to his mouth, his eyes welling with worried tears. This could mean the end of his career, the end of VIXX’s career. Oh god, had he just destroyed the lives of all his teammates, as well as Minhyuk and himself? Hakyeon jumped when he heard a knock on his door. The members knew. They had to know. He’d never even told them…what would they say?  
“Come in,” Hakyeon said, knowing he’d have to face this eventually. Tentatively, Ken pushed open the door.  
“Hyung…”  
“Yes?” Hakyeon asked, his pulse quickening in fear. But Ken’s eyes were all worry and sympathy as he looked at him.  
“We saw the pictures…we know what happened. Are you okay?” Hakyeon laughed incredulously.  
“Okay? No, Jaehwan-ah, I’m not okay. And neither are any of you.”  
“We’re okay,” Ken said, making his way into the room. “We all knew, hyung.” Hakyeon looked at him in surprise.  
“I never said…” Ken managed a smile.  
“I know. But we’ve lived together for years…we’d have to know by now, right?” Hakyeon searched his face.  
“And…and you’re okay with it?”  
“Why shouldn’t we be?” Ken asked. “You’re our friend, this doesn't change who you are. You’ve sacrificed so much for us over the years, and you’ve taken care of us. It would be ungrateful to turn our backs on you, and we don’t want to besides.” Ken put an arm around him. “You’re still our leader.” Hakyeon pressed a hand to his mouth again, overcome. Ken squeezed him.  
“Hey. It’s gonna be alright.” Hakyeon shook his head.  
“No it’s not. I’ve ruined all our careers.”  
“No, you haven’t,” Ken assured him. “Have you looked at your SNS?”  
“No,” Hakyeon said quietly. “I’ve been too afraid to.” Ken smiled again, and took out his phone.  
“Well you shouldn’t be. Look.” He held up the phone. “All your accounts are flooded with messages of support. There are some hateful comments of course, but they’re far outweighed by all the positive ones—and death threats to the hacker,” he added. Hakyeon finally looked at the screen.  
“It’s taking me a while to read through them because there are a lot from international fans,” Ken said then, scrolling down. “But they seem supportive. All the English ones I could read were saying things like “I’ll always support you,” and “Love is love,” and “fighting!” There are a lot of K-Starlights who support you too. See?” Hakyeon scrolled through the messages, taking in the words of dozens of people.  
“People seem more outraged about the hacker violating your privacy than your pictures with Minhyuk,” Ken assured him.  
“That’s only because we’re looking at my accounts,” Hakyeon said quietly. “We’re mostly seeing fans here. The non-fans…I have a feeling they’ll be more upset about Minhyukie and me.” Ken patted him on the back.  
“Well they weren’t fans to begin with, so who cares about them?” Hakyeon paused.  
“Look. There.” He pointed. It was an angry message from a former fan, saying she was leaving the fandom. “There goes one.” Ken frowned, and took back his phone. He scrolled through until he found a message he’d saved.  
“And here comes another. April Park from California says she thinks you’re so brave for dealing with this that she became a Starlight today. She’s already bought all our albums,” he added with a laugh. Hakyeon read over April’s message; it felt sincere.  
“You might’ve just boosted our international following,” Ken said, trying to add some lightness to the situation. Hakyeon doubted that. But he could see how hard Ken was trying to keep him from breaking down, and he appreciated it. With a shaky sigh, Hakyeon reached forward, and tentatively wrapped his arms around Ken, wondering briefly if his friend would still allow him to hug him like this.  
But Ken smiled softly and returned the hug, squeezing Hakyeon tight and enveloping him in warmth. “I’m sorry,” Hakyeon murmured, his voice muffled by Ken’s shirt.  
“It’s not your fault,” Ken replied, rocking gently, soothing. “We’ll work this out, okay? We’re a team, hyungie. Always.” Hakyeon closed his eyes, his breathing soft and unsteady. Ken said nothing about the tears that dampened his shirt, just hugged him tighter and stroked a hand down his back. He looked up when he heard a knock on the door.  
“Hey guys,” Leo said softly. “Eunkwang called. BTOB wants to come over and discuss this.” Hakyeon sat up, wiping his eyes. He hadn’t even spoken to Minhyuk yet. He supposed it would be better to talk about everything in person, and sooner rather than later.  
“Hakyeonie…? Is it alright if BTOB comes over?” Leo asked, hesitant. Hakyeon took a deep breath, and nodded.  
“Will you gather everyone in the living room, Taekwoonie? We should all talk together.” Leo gave him a small, tight smile.  
“Of course. And BTOB?”  
“Tell Eunkwang to bring them over.”

 

 

BTOB stood in front of VIXX, arranged awkwardly in the entryway of the dorm. Minhyuk was in the front, his eyes brimming with guilty tears as he looked at Hakyeon. He went slowly to his knees, lowering himself in a formal bow of apology.  
“I am so, so sorry,” he said, his voice breaking. “To everyone in VIXX, and especially Hakyeonie. If I hadn’t been so stupid and careless, this never would have happened. I might have ruined all your careers; at the very least, Hakyeon, I know what I did to yours. I…I’m sorry.” Minhyuk was trembling. His members looked down at him sadly, waiting for Hakyeon’s response. Hakyeon took two steps until he was beside Minhyuk. Then he knelt and, taking Minhyuk’s arm, pulled him into a sitting position. Minhyuk looked at him, fearful of what Hakyeon might say.  
But rather than say anything at all, Hakyeon simply wrapped his arms around him, pulling him into a tight hug. Minhyuk loosed a shuddery breath, burying his face in Hakyeon’s shoulder. He’d been terrified that Hakyeon would be furious, and break up with him right there. Instead, Hakyeon stroked his hair, speaking to him softly.  
“I knew you’d taken those pictures,” he said. “I knew you still had them. You did nothing wrong, and I’m as much to blame as you. Please don’t bow to me. You don’t deserve that.” Minhyuk returned Hakyeon’s hug, holding him tightly.  
“Neither of you deserves this,” Sungjae fumed. “It’s the hacker’s fault, not yours. It’s not like Minhyuk-hyung shared those pictures with anyone. They were supposed to be private.”  
“Then that’ll be our selling point,” Eunkwang said. “We can argue that the violation of privacy is a much bigger problem than Hakyeon and Minhyuk’s relationship, and try to draw attention to that.”  
“The relationship is more interesting to gossip-mongers, though,” Leo pointed out grimly.  
“I know,” Eunkwang agreed. “But it’s out, and there’s nothing we can do about it now. I don’t think either of those pictures can be explained away.”  
“They shouldn’t have to be explained away,” Minhyuk said angrily, looking up. “What’s so wrong with this anyway? People here should start accepting that not everyone can be the same.”  
“I know,” Eunkwang assured him. “But that’s easier said than done.” Minhyuk lowered his gaze.  
“I know.” Hakyeon slipped his fingers under Minhyuk’s chin, and tilted his head up so he could look him in the eye. He took his hand.  
“We’ll do this together, okay? We’ll get through this.” Minhyuk met his earnest gaze, knowing that neither of them completely believed his words. But his partner needed his support right now…and he needed Hakyeon’s. He squeezed Hakyeon’s hand.  
“Okay.” Hakyeon jumped when his phone began to ring, blasting Minhyuk’s part in BTOB’s most recent song. Everyone paled as they stared at VIXX’s leader. Hakyeon reached into his pocket, his hand shaking, and slowly withdrew the device. He looked at the screen, expecting to see his manager or his CEO calling, but instead…Hakyeon’s eyes went wide, his face tightening in fear.  
“Hakyeonie…who is it?” Minhyuk asked softly. He tightened his grip on his partner when he felt a tremor go through Hakyeon’s body. After a tense moment, Hakyeon tapped the screen and lifted his phone to his ear. He took a shaky breath.  
“…Hi, Mom.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this chapter reads a little rushed, but it's really more of a prologue/introduction to the rest of the story.


	2. We Love You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harkening back to my last chapter, the beginning of this one may feel a little disjointed from the last. But like I said, the first chapter was really more of an intro. Also, I want to apologize to Hakyeon's mother. She's a lovely woman and I know Hakyeon adores her. But! I needed her to play the villain for this to work... (sorry...>.<). Her beliefs here are based off the stereotype in Korea that homosexuality is an illness.  
> Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction, and not intended to offend anyone. Thanks for reading!

The VIXX members looked at Hakyeon with worry. Their leader’s face was pale, his fingers trembling as he clasped and unclasped them nervously. Hakyeon had only spoken to his family once since the hacked pictures were leaked, and though the members didn’t know the finer details, they knew it had been short and ugly. Now for some reason, Hakyeon’s mother had decided she needed to speak to her son today, immediately. So she’d driven herself all the way out to this remote location where VIXX had a scheduled photo-shoot.  
She was walking up the hill now, her expression anything but warm as she looked upon her uneasy son. “Hi, Mom,” Hakyeon said tentatively when she reached him. She said nothing for a long moment, her expression dark. No one stirred, everyone seeming to hold their breath. Finally, Hakyeon’s mother spoke, her tone terse.  
“Tomorrow is your niece’s birthday,” she began.  
“I know.” It was the first time Hakyeon hadn’t been invited to the celebration. Even though he was often too busy to make it to the parties, at least his parents and siblings always invited him out of principle. But this time…no one had even tried.  
“I came here to offer you one more chance,” his mother said. “We hardly talked last time—we were both too upset to say much of what we wanted to say.” The members’ noticed Hakyeon’s fingers flex in a chagrined sort of way. He’d tried to say what he wanted to say last time, but his family wouldn’t let him.  
“So,” his mother continued, “I figured it was only fair to give you one more chance.” She opened her phone and held it up to Hakyeon, who winced when he saw her showing him one of the leaked photos of him and Minhyuk. “Explain this to me again, Hakyeonie. Explain it right so that I can invite you to your niece’s party.”  
“Oh, don’t do this,” Ken pleaded, his voice too soft to be heard by anyone but the other members. Hakyeon looked like he’d been stabbed, and rightly so; his mother was asking him to make an impossible decision.  
“I already explained it, Mom,” he said quietly. His mother shook her head.  
“You were upset and hot-headed then. You’ve always been stubborn, so when we got angry you got angry too and said things you didn’t mean. I know this was a mistake.” Her voice lowered a little, something like a plea entering her tone. “Give me any other explanation than the one you gave me before, and I’ll let you come to your niece’s party. You’ll be part of the family again. I want that for you—we all want that for you. So please…give me another explanation.” Hakyeon blinked, and his throat bobbed as he fought to hold back the tears in his eyes.  
“There is no other explanation, Mom,” he said, his voice almost a whisper. His mother shook her head.  
“No. No!” she shrieked. She shoved the phone in Hakyeon’s face. “Why are you naked in bed with another man? Tell me why, Hakyeonie!”  
“I told you why!” Hakyeon exclaimed, his voice rising in volume as well.  
“What? Because you fucked him?” The VIXX members flinched in surprise at the ahjumma’s vulgar language. Her voice was bordering on hysterical. “Is that really why? You can’t come up with anything else? All you can say is that you Fucked him?”  
“Yes!” Hakyeon cried, pushing the phone out of his face. “Yes, I fucked him, because I love him, and I don’t see why you can’t accept that!” Hakyeon’s mother lowered her phone, her face stricken, like she was on the verge of a fit.  
“You’re sick, Hakyeonie,” she said with what sounded like resignation and hopelessness. “You’re ill. You should let us send you somewhere where people can help you.”  
“I’m not sick,” Hakyeon pleaded in a low tone.  
“You are,” she insisted, looking at him with wide, incredulous eyes. “Why else would you choose a life like this?”  
“I didn’t choose it,” Hakyeon insisted, his voice cracking. “You think I want to hurt you? You think I want to be separated from my family like this?” Hakyeon looked at her imploringly, pleading with all his soul for her to understand. “Why would I choose this, Mom?” Hakyeon’s mother shook her head.  
“It’s not a choice,” Hakyeon said again. “I’ve always been this way. And it hurt; it hurt so much to hate myself for being like this. It hurt so much to try to be someone I’m not. It hurt so much that I felt like my insides were burning and decaying and it wasn’t going to stop until it killed me. I can’t take that pain anymore.” Hakyeon was begging. “Please. You’re my mother…can’t you please try to accept me?”  
“I’m not your mother,” Hakyeon’s mother said then. Suddenly her expression was that of someone looking upon a stranger, someone who she thought she might know but was afraid to remember where she’d first seen him. “Not anymore.” Hakyeon flinched like he’d been struck.  
“Mom…please…I’m the same person I always was,” Hakyeon whimpered, desperate for her to stop looking at him like that. Please, someone make her stop looking at him like that…She shook her head, that same terrible, unbearable expression on her face.  
“Then I was never your mother, was I?” Hakyeon made a small noise, and though it was soft, the disbelief and pain in it was enough to cause his members to wince.  
“You’ve given up your chance, Hakyeonie,” his mother said softly. “You’ve given up your family. You’ll never get to watch your nieces and nephews grow up.” A bitter, horrible tinge of anger entered her voice as she added, “And you can live with Minhyuk and fuck him every night knowing you chose your perversion over your family.” Hakyeon looked like he was about to throw up or pass out, tears slipping down his cheeks.  
“Mom—“  
“Don’t call me that!” his mother shrieked. She slapped her son across the face, the sound jarring and harsh as Hakyeon’s head snapped to the side. “You don’t get to call me that anymore.” Her words were a hiss, more venomous than the deadliest of snakes. Hakyeon stared at the ground, his head still turned to the side, a horrible sort of empty disbelief in his eyes. His mother gathered herself up and turned on her heel. Hakyeon finally raised his gaze as she began to walk away.  
He took a shaky step, his hand reaching out as if he meant to follow her. But then his legs buckled and he dropped to his knees as his mother climbed into her car and slammed the door. She started the car immediately and drove off, the curving road taking her out of sight in seconds. Hakyeon stared after her, still as the stone cliffs around them. A cool breeze ruffled his hair, drying the tears on his cheeks. His expression was strangely still, frozen in a quiet look of despair. His members approached him carefully. Ravi put a hand on his shoulder. Hakyeon didn’t respond. 

The members stood with Hakyeon for a long time, and when he showed no signs of moving, they’d had to drag him to his feet. He’d moved like a marionette doll then, unresisting and wooden as he allowed the members to lead him to a tent. They’d sat him down in a chair and Hakyeon had leaned forward, again like a doll folding over itself, and put his face in his hands. He hadn’t sobbed though, like they’d been expecting. He hadn’t even cried. He’d just sat in that position, his face covered, as still as before. Not knowing what else to do, the members had draped a blanket over him and taken turns sitting with him in silence.  
But just now, their CEO had come to the site and wanted to know why they weren’t doing the photo shoot. Without realizing all five of them had come out at once, the members had stepped outside to explain it to him, leaving Hakyeon alone. As they came back into the tent, they noticed immediately that Hakyeon was gone, his blanket abandoned, a loose gray puddle in his chair.  
“Where’s N-hyung?” Ravi asked. No one knew. They looked around at each other.  
“Find him,” Hongbin said urgently. 

 

Hakyeon walked, his steps halting and stiff, like he’d forgotten how to move, just a little. It made sense, though; Hakyeon seemed to have forgotten a lot of things since his mother left. He knew it was cold outside, but he’d forgotten what that felt like, so he didn’t shiver. He knew that sometimes the sky was warm and bright, but the world above him was all clouds today, so he’d forgotten what the sun was.  
“You’ll never see your nieces and nephews grow up,” she’d said. Never see them grow up…But how was that possible? How could Hakyeon never see them grow up? He’d been there when they were born; he’d been there as they’d grown into children…how was it he would never be allowed to see them become adults? That wasn’t fair…  
Hakyeon had forgotten what fair was, though. And he’d forgotten why he’d been so determined to tell his mother the truth. Why did that matter, again? What had made him so committed? Minhyuk, he supposed. Yes, he loved Minhyuk…Hakyeon still loved Minhyuk. But that woman who wouldn’t let Hakyeon call her “mother” had ruined even that.  
“And you can live with Minhyuk and fuck him every night knowing you chose your perversion over your family.” How could Hakyeon ever make love to Minhyuk again with those words ringing in his head? How could he sleep beside Minhyuk and hold him tight when that woman who was once his mother had looked at her son that way, like he was a frightening stranger, and she wanted only to get away from him? Even though she raised him, even though he was born like this…She'd done so much for Hakyeon, sacrificed so much for him to achieve his dreams, and only now did he realize that she hadn't known him, wouldn't have helped him or loved him if she did. Did that mean he was wrong to have accepted what she gave him? He must be...after all, if the woman who gave him life couldn’t love him, why should anyone else? Why should Minhyuk? What if one day Minhyuk gave Hakyeon the same look his mother had given him? Surely he would, for if Hakyeon could be deemed a monster in the eyes of the woman who had only ever looked at him with love before…what hope did he have that he could ever be seen as anything but wrong? Why did he deserve to be seen as anything but wrong?  
He was wrong. And he didn’t belong here.  
Hakyeon turned his head as he felt a cool breeze brush his skin. A sea breeze…yes. The photo-shoot was taking place on a stretch of cliffs above the sea. Hakyeon turned into that lovely cool breeze, as it seemed to beckon him like a soft finger toward the cliffs.  
He had no future. He would never see his nieces and nephews again, would never spend another holiday with his family…he’d never marry Minhyuk, either, the way he had over and over again in his impossible daydreams. He was wrong and he was broken, and Minhyuk deserved better. So Hakyeon couldn’t stay with him. He couldn’t stay with the VIXX members, either. They were like another family, he supposed, but now that the world knew about Hakyeon’s wrongness, he would only hurt them by clinging to their sides like a parasite.  
He had no future. And there was no place for him here. Rocks crunched beneath Hakyeon’s feet as he approached the cliff’s edge. He could see the ocean now. He’d always loved the ocean. Its windy scent of freedom, the promise of adventure just beyond its horizon, and the soothing sounds of crashing and tossing made by its magnificent waves…Hakyeon loved it all. It wouldn’t be so bad, he thought, to fall into those waves. The ocean was so big and so beautiful; a wrong thing could disappear without a trace there…couldn’t it?  
Hakyeon closed his eyes, his foot hovering over empty air as he took a step forward…and fell backwards. Hakyeon landed roughly on the ground as someone wrapped their arms around his torso, yanking him back from the cliff’s edge with a desperate strength. Hakyeon heard a huff as he landed on top of someone. He turned slowly, only to see Leo’s face, red and winded, staring up at him.  
“Hakyeonie…what the hell were you doing?” Leo exclaimed, his eyes wide and frantic. Hakyeon blinked slowly, still trapped in his daze. Leo forced them both into a sitting position but kept his arms wrapped firmly around Hakyeon in case he tried to step off the cliff again.  
Hakyeon dimly became aware of the sound of running feet, and soon all the VIXX members were gathered around him, panting, a look as frantic as Leo’s burning in every one of their eyes.  
“Hyung…we yelled for you…” Hongbin gasped. “Didn’t you hear us?” Hakyeon shook his head, his expression disturbingly blank.  
“Did you just try to kill yourself?” Ravi cried, his voice breaking with emotion. “Hyung, is that what you were doing?” Hakyeon looked dazedly at the edge of the cliff.  
“I don’t know…” he murmured. He’d just been walking, and walking towards that cliff had felt right. Even knowing he was a wrong thing…stepping off that cliff seemed like it would make things right. Leo’s grip on Hakyeon tightened.  
“Don’t lie, Hakyeonie,” he said raggedly. “You had one foot off the edge of that cliff and you weren’t standing still. If I’d been even half a second later you’d be dead right now.” Hakyeon blinked. He’d be dead…and wouldn’t that be good? Wouldn’t that have made up for his wrongness? It couldn’t make him right, but at least he could try to atone for being wrong. Isn’t that what he should do?  
“Isn’t that what I should do?” he asked softly, barely aware that he was speaking. His members drew in sharp breaths.  
“No, hyung,” Ken said adamantly. “That’s not what you should do, it’s not at all what you should do!” Hakyeon looked at him, confused.  
“But I’m wrong, aren’t I? I’m not supposed to be like this. But I can’t fix it. So if I can’t fix it…” He turned his head toward the cliff edge again, and Leo tightened his grip even further. His members stared at him in horror and sadness, feeling lost. They’d never seen Hakyeon like this; it was like they were talking to some kind of fragile, half-broken shadow of the friend they’d once known, and they didn’t know what to do.  
But they tried their best.  
The members all knelt in front of Hakyeon to make it easier for him to meet their eyes. Ken put a hand on his shoulder. “You’re not wrong, hyung,” he said softly, his gaze earnest and filled with…love? No, that couldn’t be right. That woman couldn’t look at Hakyeon with love anymore, why would Ken be able to?  
“You’re different from most people in a small way,” Ken continued. “But that doesn’t make you wrong. No one is the same as anyone else. You can’t blame yourself for being different when we’re all different.”  
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Ravi promised, his tone impossibly gentle. He too seemed to be looking at Hakyeon with something startlingly like love…could it be? Hakyeon felt a crack appear in the daze that had built around him like armor, allowing a small sliver of feeling through. Hakyeon shook his head.  
“There must be,” he murmured. “Why else did she…?” Someone made a sympathetic noise.  
“I know it’s hard—it’s impossible—to hear words of rejection from someone who loved and raised you,” Leo said softly, resting his head against Hakyeon’s shoulder. “I understand that she hurt you. But she still loves you, even if she doesn’t realize it right now.” Love. Again, that word…Hakyeon couldn’t see Leo’s eyes, but he could hear the love in his voice. Another crack split the armor.  
“How can you know that?” Hakyeon whispered, blinking as the haze that seemed to have settled in front of his eyes began to dissipate. Leo hugged him.  
“I just do.”  
“And even though your mother is confused right now,” Hongbin said, “we aren’t. We still love you, hyung. We’ll stay by your side and we’ll support you, I promise. No matter how many times you try to step off that cliff, we’ll pull you back.” Hakyeon blinked again.  
“Because…you love me?” The members smiled gently at the tremor in his voice.  
“Because we love you,” Hyuk promised. Even Hyuk, who never said things like that…he was saying it now. Was it okay for Hakyeon to accept that? He shook his head.  
“You shouldn’t,” Hakyeon whispered. He was trembling, the armor that kept him in a haze of unfeeling coming apart at the seams. “I’m wrong…you’re not supposed to love wrong things…” Almost as one, his members moved close to him, enveloping him in understanding warmth as they wrapped him in their arms.  
“You’re not a wrong thing,” Ravi promised. “You’re just a regular person like everyone else.”  
“You’re Hakyeon,” Ken murmured. “And that’s all you need to be. And we love you just the way you are.” The armor broke; and Hakyeon began to cry. His members held him tight as his body shook with sobs. The pain he’d been desperately trying to shut out rushed in like the waves of the ocean beneath them, filling Hakyeon’s body, choking him and making it impossible to breathe. He thought might have drowned in it, if not for the members’ steady touch that somehow kept his head just high enough for him to gasp for air. Hakyeon felt like he had lost his family today, and he wanted to scream until his throat tore from that loss.  
But he had another family, and they held him together even as he shook so much it seemed he would have to fall apart. “We love you,” Leo murmured in his ear.  
“We love you,” Ken agreed, his cheek pressed to Hakyeon’s arm.  
“We love you,” Ravi promised, his hand gently stroking Hakyeon’s hair, just like that woman once had when he was small. That woman didn’t love Hakyeon anymore…but these people said they did, and Hakyeon believed them. If good people like the ones beside him could love wrong things…maybe they weren’t so wrong after all. And though Hakyeon felt shattered like a crystal dish thrown against the floor, that one thought allowed enough of him to remain for his members to gather the pieces.


	3. It's Okay

Hakyeon leaned limply against Ravi, who had an arm wrapped around him in a warm embrace. Ken sat on Hakyeon’s other side, holding one of Hakyeon’s hands in his. Hakyeon’s eyes were red-rimmed and damp, and stared sightlessly out the window as they drove.  
They’d had to cancel the photo-shoot.  
VIXX’s manager had found the members first. Hakyeon was still shaking and sobbing, so Hyuk had broken away, drawn their manager back a few steps, and quietly explained everything that had happened. Then they’d gone together back to their waiting CEO, and explained it to him too. The CEO hadn’t been happy about having to cancel the photo-shoot when they’d already paid everyone to drive out. But, when he heard Hakyeon had tried to step off the cliffs, he’d agreed that getting him home and safe was the most important thing. So he’d told the VIXX members to keep a close eye on Hakyeon, and to head straight home with him.  
“You can take turns, but make sure someone stays with him throughout the night, okay?” their CEO had warned. “If Hakyeon doesn’t want to go to a hospital I won’t force him, but for all intents and purposes he’s on suicide watch for now. I know it’s a lot to ask, but since you live with him and he can’t go back to his family, I’m going to have to ask you and the other members to watch over him, okay?”  
“Of course,” Hyuk had agreed. “We’ll do everything we can to comfort him.” So now they were on their way home, the car silent as they drove. Leo sat in the front seat Hakyeon normally occupied, and in the middle were Hongbin and Hyuk. Ordinarily the seating was arranged largely according to age, but this time the members had thought it would be better if someone sat close enough to Hakyeon to hold him. Ravi and Ken had immediately volunteered, and gently maneuvered Hakyeon to the middle seat.  
Hakyeon had relapsed into his glassy-eyed, doll-like state when he’d finally stopped crying. It was almost disturbingly easy for the members to direct him. If they told him to walk, he walked; if they told him to sit, he sat. If they told him to go somewhere, he went to that place, and all without saying a word. He was like an obedient, expressionless child, and the members were deeply unsettled by it.  
No one knew what to say, and it was obvious Hakyeon didn’t plan to speak, so the car remained quiet throughout the long drive back to Seoul. Finally, long after the sky had grown dark, their manager pulled into the driveway of VIXX’s apartment.  
“Am I okay to leave him with you guys tonight?” their manager asked.  
“Yes hyung,” Hongbin said.  
“We’ll take care of him,” Leo promised. The members slid the doors open. Ravi gently nudged Hakyeon. He sat up, moving like a limp puppet, and crawled out of the car. Ken put an arm around his shoulders and walked with him up the stairs and into the apartment. Hakyeon at least retained enough conscious sense to remove his shoes in the doorway.  
“Come on, hyung,” Ken said softly. “Let’s go to bed.” He led Hakyeon to his bedroom, but when they got there, Hakyeon just stood in the middle of the room, looking lost. Ken’s heart gave a nervous stutter, but he ignored it as he walked to Hakyeon’s drawers and slid them open.  
“You should probably change out of that costume, right?” he asked as he dug for pajamas. Hakyeon nodded. He began to work on the sash belted at his waist. Ken suppressed a sigh of relief. He managed to find a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt that Hakyeon often wore to bed. He turned, clothes in hand, and felt his stomach lurch. Hakyeon’s fingers were shaking, and didn’t appear to have made any progress on the sash. His eyes were swimming with tears.  
“Hyung, what’s wrong?” Ken asked, hurrying to him and putting a hand on his arm.  
“…I forgot how to untie it,” Hakyeon said, his voice wavering. He looked on the verge of bursting into tears again. Ken searched his face, his brows creasing in worry.  
“T-that’s okay, hyung,” he assured him. “It’s complicated.” They’d had to tie their sashes in a very specific way to fit the costume, and it wasn’t surprising that in his current state, Hakyeon had forgotten how to undo it. “Here, I’ll do it for you, okay?” He set the clothes on the floor and carefully began to untie Hakyeon’s sash. Hakyeon dropped his hands, his breathing soft and unsteady. When he’d untied it, Ken slipped the sash from Hakyeon’s body, and wordlessly continued to undress him. The costume had a lot of small, intricate parts to it. Hakyeon’s mental state was fragile enough that Ken didn’t want to risk any chance of him getting frustrated, as it seemed like it could trigger another breakdown. The other members appeared in the doorway. Their eyes held a question, but when Ken jerked his head toward Hakyeon, and they saw their leader’s face, that question faded. They waited, their expressions drawn, while Ken helped Hakyeon remove every piece of the costume until he was standing in his underwear. Hongbin scooped up the clothes Ken had left on the floor and handed Hakyeon the sweatshirt. Hakyeon slipped it over his head wordlessly.  
“Can we get you anything, hyung?” Hongbin asked as he handed Hakyeon the pants. “Tea, or water maybe?” But Hakyeon shook his head. When he was dressed, Ken directed him to the bed and sat him down. Leo opened the package of facial wipes in his hands and held one out to Hakyeon.  
“You should at least wipe that makeup off,” he said gently. All the members were still wearing their photo-shoot makeup, though Hakyeon’s was heavily smudged around his eyes. Hakyeon took it and began to wipe his face. But his hands were still shaking, and he wasn’t doing a very good job of removing the makeup. Ravi sat down on Hakyeon’s other side and gently took his hand. Hakyeon looked at him, his eyes still glassy and damp.  
“Can I help?” Ravi asked carefully. Hakyeon nodded, and let go of the wipe. Ravi gently cleaned the makeup from his face and eyes while Hakyeon sat still, staring at the floor. When they’d finally done as much as they figured they could, the members directed Hakyeon to lie down in bed. As always, he followed their orders almost thoughtlessly.  
Ken pulled the blanket over him and tucked it around his shoulders. “Try to sleep, okay?” he said then. Hakyeon nodded again. He rolled over in his bed so he was facing the wall, and lay still. The members looked at each other, feeling tired and helpless.  
“I’ll go first,” Ken mouthed. The members nodded, allowing him to take the first shift watching Hakyeon. Ravi tapped him.  
“Come get me when you’re done,” he mouthed back. Ken agreed. The members filed out one by one. A few moments later Hyuk returned briefly to give Ken a chair from the kitchen. Ken placed it by the bed and sat down, and stared at his friend. He didn’t think Hakyeon was sleeping, though he couldn’t see his face anymore. Not that it mattered. Awake or asleep, Ken was going to watch Hakyeon as carefully as he could. No matter what happened, Ken was not going to allow his friend to try to hurt himself again. 

 

The next morning, Leo made everyone breakfast. Hyuk, who had taken the last watch, brought Hakyeon into the kitchen. Hakyeon’s eyes had purple shadows beneath them, and he didn’t look like he’d slept at all. Leo brought him food, and then all the members sat down together to eat.  
Hakyeon picked at his food but hardly took a bite. Still the members did their best to chat with each other as they would every day, hoping to give Hakyeon a sense of normalcy and maybe coax him out of his daze. It didn’t feel like Hakyeon was pouting, or wallowing in his own misery. He genuinely seemed to be in an actual kind of stupor, his eyes glazed over and his movements mechanical. The members had never seen anything like it, and they didn’t know what to do about it.  
They planned to call Minhyuk that morning and tell him everything that had happened. The members were worried they’d need some help to pull Hakyeon out of this, and hoped that his boyfriend, at least, might know what to do.  
Eventually, when everyone else was done and the members decided Hakyeon wasn’t going to eat, Hyuk stood to clear the plates. Ravi put a hand on Hakyeon’s arm. “Would you help with the dishes, hyung?” he asked hopefully. He thought engaging Hakyeon in an easy task might wake him up a little. Hakyeon nodded and stood, as obedient as ever. He helped Hyuk gather plates and utensils and bring them to the sink. When he got there, though, Hakyeon accidentally dropped a chopstick. He set his stack of plates on the counter and bent to pick it up. But as he did, the plates upset a cup left precariously on the edge of the counter, and it fell to the floor and shattered. Hakyeon froze.  
Everyone in VIXX knew that cup. Ravi’s sister had painted it for him when she was little, and he treasured it. Hakyeon’s eyes went wide. “Oh my god.” He went to his knees beside the cup. The members stood, as Hakyeon’s breathing had suddenly picked up. Hakyeon grabbed one of the broken pieces carelessly, slicing his finger open in the process. He gripped the shard regardless, even as red liquid began to leak from his hand.  
“Wonshik, I’m sorry,” Hakyeon said. He pressed his free, shaking hand to his mouth, tears already slipping down his cheeks. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…” Ravi hurried over to him, as Hakyeon sounded on the verge of panic.  
“It’s okay, hyung,” he assured him, placing a hand on his back. “I shouldn’t have left it on the edge of the counter like that.” Hakyeon shook his head, his chest shaking with those rough, near-hysterical breaths. Ravi would be upset, so upset with him for this. He’d already lost one family, he didn’t want to drive away the other one too. Hakyeon was far too shaken up right now to rationalize that it was only a broken cup, and all he could think was that he’d destroyed something special, and he might not be forgiven for it.  
“I’m sorry…”  
“Shh,” Ravi soothed, rubbing Hakyeon’s back. “I know you are, it’s okay.” He glanced at the members fearfully. Hakyeon sounded close to a panic attack, and they didn’t know what to do if that happened.  
“Should we call someone?” Ken muttered to Hongbin, watching Hakyeon with wide eyes. Hongbin made a helpless gesture. He didn’t know either. Hakyeon was gripping the broken shard tightly, causing streaks of blood to leak down his hand. He clearly couldn’t breathe, and he’d just made some kind of sobbing noise, and now the members were really getting scared. Ravi moved in front of Hakyeon and grabbed his face with both hands.  
“Hyung, look at me,” he ordered. Hakyeon did as he commanded, not having much of a choice anyway. Ravi held his gaze, steady where Hakyeon was trembling. “I am not upset with you.” He spoke each word with deliberate emphasis, doing his best to show his friend his sincerity. “You did nothing wrong. It’s okay. Everything is okay, Hakyeon-hyung.” He brushed a tear from Hakyeon’s cheek with his thumb. “It’s alright.” Hakyeon’s desperate breathing seemed to be slowing a little, and the look in his eyes wasn’t quite so frantic.  
“Do you understand?” Ravi asked gently. Hakyeon nodded, and Ravi managed a smile. “See? You’re okay. We’re all just fine.” Hakyeon nodded again, though he was still gasping. Ravi watched him for a moment, biting the inside of his cheek. Then he clicked his tongue in a sympathetic sort of way. He shifted a little to avoid the broken mug and pulled Hakyeon into a hug.  
“Come here,” he breathed, wrapping his arms around his friend and placing a gentle hand on his head. Hakyeon covered his face with his hand while he struggled to catch his breath, allowing Ravi to hold him. Some of the other members knelt and put their hands on Hakyeon as well, rubbing his back or his arm encouragingly, and echoing Ravi’s sentiment that everything was okay.  
Leo took Hakyeon’s other hand and gently pried his fingers open. He took the bloody shard away, wincing quietly at the deep cuts he saw on Hakyeon’s palm and fingers. “Hyuk,” he said softly. “Go get the first aid kit.” Hyuk nodded. He stood, patting Hakyeon on the back, and hurried off to the bathroom. He returned a moment later with supplies in tow. Hyuk took Hakyeon’s injured hand and began gently wiping off the blood with a damp cloth. When he’d finished with that, he held Hakyeon’s hand still while Leo wiped the cuts with an antiseptic towlette, muttering soft apologies when Hakyeon flinched at the sting. Finally Leo withdrew a wad of cloth bandages and wrapped Hakyeon’s hand in gauze, winding the roll of bandages in slow loops around the hand until the injuries were bound tight. Hakyeon watched, his face still half-buried in Ravi’s shirt, catching his breath little by little as the seconds passed.  
When everything was finished and Hakyeon was almost breathing normally again, Hyuk slipped his hands under Hakyeon’s arms and gently pulled him to his feet. Their leader made a startled noise when the maknae lifted him right off the floor, setting him down safely a few feet away from the broken cup. Given Hakyeon’s scattered mental state, the members didn’t want to risk him trying to help and stepping on the broken shards with his bare feet.  
“Come on, hyung,” Hyuk said, speaking with a forced lightness. “Why don’t we go to the living room for a while?” He slung an arm around Hakyeon’s shoulders.  
“But…” Hakyeon hesitated, his expression shadowed with guilt as he looked at the broken cup.  
“Don’t worry about it,” Ravi assured him with a smile.  
“We’ll clean it up,” Hongbin agreed, already brandishing a broom and dustpan. “You go rest, hyung.”  
“We all got the day off,” Hyuk explained as he began to lead Hakyeon toward the living room. “Let’s just hang out at the dorm, okay? Together.” Hakyeon blinked, and Hyuk had to suppress a shiver. The panic and desperation had all but faded from Hakyeon’s eyes, but the familiar dead look that was replacing it wasn’t much better. Hyuk almost wondered if it was worse. “Is that okay, hyung?” Hyuk pressed, hoping for a reaction.  
“Okay,” Hakyeon murmured. He was already staring at the floor again, his steps shuffling as he allowed Hyuk to lead him out of the kitchen. The members watched, several sighing heavily as soon as Hakyeon was out of earshot.  
“What the hell was that?” Hongbin asked. Ravi scrubbed his hands over his face.  
“I don’t know,” he muttered. “I’ve never seen hyung this shaken up.”  
“He’s usually so good at dealing with stress…” Ken murmured.  
“Well this is a hell of a lot more than stress,” Leo pointed out. “His whole life’s been ripped out from under him.” The members went quiet, staring darkly at the bloody shard of broken cup staining the floor.  
“…I don’t know what to do,” Hongbin said at last, and the members could hear their own fear and uncertainty reflected in their friend’s voice; there was little they could say to reassure him. Finally, Leo stood, fishing his phone from his pocket.  
“I’ll go call him.”


	4. Here

Leo opened the door of their dorm to see Minhyuk standing on the other side of it. “Hey, Minhyuk.” Minhyuk smiled, though the expression was strained. His eyes were red and tired—he’d probably been crying on the way over, scared and hurting for his partner.  
“Hi, Taekwoon. How’s Hakyeonie?” Taekwoon grimaced.  
“The same.” After they’d calmed Hakyeon down enough to keep him from having a panic attack, Leo had quietly excused himself and called Minhyuk. He’d explained everything that had happened in the last two days, including Hakyeon’s suicide attempt, his short breakdown this morning, and the way he’d been stuck in a mechanical daze ever since.  
Minhyuk had been near hysterical at first, demanding to know why he hadn’t been called the second VIXX left the photo-shoot. Leo had tried to explain that they’d been too overwhelmed trying to keep Hakyeon together to think of calling him or anyone else. Leo had apologized sincerely for not calling Minhyuk sooner, and assured him that VIXX had been keeping a careful eye on Hakyeon every second to make sure he was safe. Eventually Minhyuk had calmed down and thanked Leo for letting him know. To his immense chagrin, he’d been stuck in a schedule with BTOB, but the second they finished he begged his manager to let him leave early.  
He followed Leo inside and slipped his shoes off in the entryway. “He’s right in here,” Leo said quietly, leading Minhyuk into the living room. He pointed to Hakyeon. VIXX’s leader was curled up on the couch, with Hyuk sitting beside him on the other end of the cushions. They were watching TV, but from the blank, lifeless look in Hakyeon’s eyes, it was apparent he wasn’t seeing anything that was on the screen. Minhyuk sucked in a breath, worried and shocked. He’d never seen a look like that in Hakyeon’s eyes. Leo looked at Minhyuk knowingly. Then he caught Hyuk’s eye, and nodded his head. Hyuk nodded back.  
“Watch this,” Leo said quietly. Minhyuk waited tensely while Hyuk tapped Hakyeon to get his attention. Hakyeon looked at him.  
“Hyung, would you turn off the TV please?” he asked. Hakyeon blinked. Then he reached for the remote, and Minhyuk gave another small gasp when he saw the thick bandages on Hakyeon’s hand. He really must’ve cut himself badly on that broken cup. Hyuk grabbed Hakyeon’s wrist to stop him.  
“No, I meant get up and turn it off physically.” Hakyeon looked at him blankly, and Hyuk raised his eyebrows. “Would you please?” To Minhyuk’s surprise, Hakyeon sat up. He stood from the couch, and the way he moved like a doll controlled by someone else’s hands made Minhyuk’s stomach twist and go cold.  
Hakyeon walked over to the TV, expressionless, and knelt beside it. He searched at the side for buttons, and it took a moment to find them. He pressed the power button, and the TV shut off. Hakyeon dropped his hand, staring at the dark screen. He didn’t move.  
“See that?” Leo whispered. “He’s like a doll. He doesn’t question anything, he doesn’t think…he just does whatever you tell him to, and once he’s done he just sits there like he doesn’t know what else to do.” By now Minhyuk’s hands were shaking. He’d never seen anyone in a state like Hakyeon’s. It was horrifying and confusing, and Minhyuk was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to reach past that strange glaze in Hakyeon’s eyes enough to help him. But Hakyeonie needed him right now, so he at least had to try.  
Minhyuk walked into the room, following Leo. Leo put a hand on Hakyeon’s shoulder to get his attention. “Hakyeonie.” Hakyeon looked up dully. “Minhyuk is here. He came to see you.” Hakyeon’s glassy eyes slowly shifted past Leo to where Minhyuk stood. A hint of emotion seemed to spark behind them then, and it made Minhyuk’s heart flutter with hope. He knelt beside his partner.  
“Hey, Hakyeonie,” he said softly, smiling at him as best he could. “I came to see you as soon as I could.” He put a hand on Hakyeon’s shoulder. Hakyeon blinked slowly, a little more of that human emotion beginning to overtake the glaze in his eyes.  
“Your members told me everything that happened,” Minhyuk explained gently. “And I want you to know that I’m here for you, okay? I’m gonna stay right here, and I’ll do everything I can to help you through this, I promise.” Hakyeon’s eyes searched his face, and by now the glaze was almost gone. Minhyuk managed another tentative smile. Hakyeon’s lips quivered, and he pressed them together tightly. His eyes welled with tears.  
Minhyuk made a sympathetic noise. That expression on Hakyeon’s face made his heart clench, but it was also somehow tragically endearing. Hakyeon looked like a sad, lost puppy in that moment, and some instinct in Minhyuk’s core was struck by it, making him feel incredibly protective of the person in front of him. He reached up with his free hand and cupped Hakyeon’s cheek, and gently brushed his thumb across his skin.  
“I love you,” Minhyuk said. Hakyeon squeezed his eyes shut. He leaned forward limply, pressing his face into Minhyuk’s chest. Minhyuk wrapped his arms around him. “It’s gonna be okay,” he promised, his voice soft and reassuring as he calmly stroked Hakyeon’s hair. “We’re all here for you.” Leo looked at Hyuk, their expressions mirroring each other’s relief. Even if Hakyeon still seemed miserable, at least he’d finally shown a reaction that wasn’t glassy-eyed emotionlessness or breathless panic.  
Hakyeon didn’t seem to be crying. He just sat there silently with his face buried in Minhyuk’s shirt, like the simple act of enveloping himself in the other’s scent brought him immense comfort. Minhyuk smiled, simultaneously fond and sad. He kissed Hakyeon’s hair and rocked back and forth, knowing the gentle motion was as soothing to adults as it was to any child. It might have been thirty minutes before Hakyeon finally moved.  
He sat up, almost reluctantly, and looked at Minhyuk with those wide puppy eyes, only now their glossy surface seemed to hold an apology as well. Minhyuk wondered why Hakyeon looked sorry; he hoped it was because he was regretting what he’d tried to do on those cliffs. Hakyeon’s lips parted like he was going to say something, but he didn’t speak. Minhyuk looked at him softly, holding Hakyeon’s face, and leaned in to give him a reassuring kiss, wanting Hakyeon to know he had nothing to apologize for.  
But before their mouths could touch Hakyeon pulled back, ducking his head and biting his bottom lip. Minhyuk pulled back too, surprised at the rejection and a little hurt, though he tried not show it, as Hakyeon didn’t need any extra guilt weighing him down right now.  
“Hakyeonie…?” Minhyuk asked quietly, leaving his obvious question unspoken. Hakyeon glanced uncomfortably at Leo and Hyuk, who were now sitting side by side on the couch. Both seemed to stiffen in surprise. They exchanged a look.  
“Um, hyung, you know you can kiss him in front of us, right?” Hyuk asked tentatively.  
“Not that you'd need our permission in the first place, Hakyeonie, but if you’re worried about making us uncomfortable you don’t need to be,” Leo assured him. “It’s really okay.” Hakyeon looked faintly surprised, but still said nothing; and though Minhyuk smiled at him encouragingly, he couldn’t help but worry how muted Hakyeon’s reactions to everything seemed to be. Given how anxious he’d been about his members finding out about him and Minhyuk, Leo and Hyuk’s easy assurance just now should have warranted a stronger response.  
Minhyuk considered trying to kiss Hakyeon again, but a small sliver of fear at another rejection kept him still. He looked at Hakyeon a moment, hopeful that his partner might try to initiate something, if only to show Minhyuk he hadn’t meant to pull away. But Hakyeon didn’t move, and Minhyuk couldn’t help the tinge of disappointment that sent a pang through his chest. Telling himself it was silly to worry about a kiss when Hakyeon was in such a tenuous state, Minhyuk shook himself and stood. He took Hakyeon’s hand and pulled him to his feet.  
“Come on. Why don’t we lie down for a bit? Would you like that?” Hakyeon nodded, allowing Minhyuk to lead him to his bedroom. They laid down together on top of the covers, and then Minhyuk slid his arms through Hakyeon’s, wanting to hold him close and keep him warm and let Hakyeon know that he was far from alone. Cuddling him was usually one of the best things Minhyuk could do to comfort Hakyeon. Hakyeon was such a physical person, after all, and even a simple human touch meant a lot to him.  
But something was wrong today. Hakyeon didn’t relax against Minhyuk the way he usually did, settling into the curves of the other’s body until they were practically intertwined. He felt stiff in Minhyuk’s arms, and though his head was turned towards his partner, Hakyeon wasn’t looking at him. His eyes still had a sightless look to them as they stared at the bedcovers, and his touch almost seemed…reluctant?  
Minhyuk squeezed Hakyeon a little tighter, almost too tight, swallowing down the foreboding that made his stomach stir like dry leaves scattering in the wind.


	5. Guilt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double update, so please read the preceding chapter ("Here") if you haven't yet. Thanks!

1 Month Later

“How are things with your boyfriend?” Dr. Lee asked. Hakyeon hadn’t really wanted to see a therapist, but his CEO and team members had convinced him to start going to sessions after his incident on the cliffs.  
“It’s just someone to talk to, Hakyeon-ah,” his CEO had assured him. “Lots of people see therapists for even minor troubles. It doesn’t make you a basket case. It’ll be a safe space where you can say whatever you want, even things that you can’t tell anyone else. I think it’ll help you.” So here Hakyeon was, now at his fourth session. He supposed they’d been helping, a little.  
“They’re…alright,” Hakyeon replied, in response to Dr. Lee’s question.  
“Just alright?” Dr. Lee asked. “What do you mean by that?” Hakyeon sighed.  
“Things have been…awkward. I can tell he’s trying to be patient, to wait for me to come to him, but it’s…distant. He wants me to tell him what I’m feeling, but for some reason, I can’t seem to bring myself to talk to him.”  
“Why do you think that is?” Dr. Lee asked. Hakyeon shook his head.  
“I don’t know,” he said softly, though his stomach clenched at what felt like a lie. Dr. Lee wrote something on her notepad.  
“So is it correct to say you feel your relationship is lacking emotional intimacy?”  
“Is it?” Hakyeon asked, unsure himself. “I still love him, and I used to be able to talk to him about anything, but lately…I don’t know. He hasn’t done anything wrong or different, but it’s not the same anymore.”  
“Do you think he’s confused by your behavior?”  
“I would be, in his position,” Hakyeon admitted. He rubbed his eyes, tired and stressed.  
“Hm.” Dr. Lee jotted down another note. “So how about other aspects of your relationship? Have you been physically intimate?”  
“Not since the cliff incident.”  
“Has Minhyuk not shown any interest since then?” Hakyeon shook his head.  
“He’s tried a couple times, but I just…it’s like when I try to confide in him, and I can’t bring myself to do it. There’s some kind of wall that I can’t seem to get over.”  
“Have you lost your desire to be intimate with him?”  
“No,” Hakyeon admitted. He still found Minhyuk as attractive and desirable as he always had. And yet… “I want to, but…lately, any time he touches me—even if it’s just a hand on my arm or something—I just keep thinking of what my mother said, and I feel…” Guilty.  
“What words of your mother’s are you referring to?” Dr. Lee asked.  
“She said…” Hakyeon hesitated. Even though those words had been running through his head since he heard them, speaking them was still difficult. “When…when she told me she wasn’t going to let me see my family again, she also said…” Hakyeon took a breath. “She said, “And you can live with Minhyuk and fuck him every night knowing you chose your perversion over your family.”” Hakyeon’s voice wavered, and he stared at the rug. Dr. Lee was quiet for a moment. Then she wrote another note.  
“I see,” she said at last. “Those are very harsh words. I understand hearing something like that is painful. But do you know what it is about them specifically that keeps you from enjoying being with Minhyuk?” Hakyeon thought he did know.  
“…They make me feel guilty,” he admitted at last, his voice soft. “I feel like, if I enjoy being intimate with Minhyuk, then somehow I’ve proved my mother right. I feel like it means I really did choose that over my family.”  
“Did you choose sex over your family?” Hakyeon’s head snapped up.  
“No!” he said incredulously, hurt by the therapist’s question. But Dr. Lee raised a reassuring hand.  
“I know you didn’t, Hakyeon-ssi. I just wanted you to hear yourself say it.” Hakyeon dropped his gaze to the floor. “Your guilt is unfounded, Hakyeon-ssi,” Dr. Lee continued. “Five minutes with you would have been enough to tell me how much you love your family. I know you would never make such a shallow decision; and deep down I believe your mother knows it too.” Hakyeon clenched his fingers, staring at his hands. He wasn’t so sure of that.  
“You chose to stay with Minhyuk because you love him, but you didn’t choose him over your family.” Hakyeon finally raised his eyes to the therapist’s. Dr. Lee was looking at him with understanding. “You chose to embrace who you are, and your mother couldn’t accept it. But that is no reason for you to feel guilt. Lying about who you are and who you love would have caused you a lifetime of pain, Hakyeon-ssi. If you’d been pressured into marrying a woman, neither you nor your partner would be happy, and any children you may have had would have grown up sensing that. Forcing you to be someone you’re not would have hurt everyone around you as well as yourself. It was unfair to both you and your loved ones for your mother to ask you to do that.”  
Hakyeon knew that. He knew it wasn’t fair, what she’d done…but even so, she was his mother. Didn’t Hakyeon owe her everything? And no one else in his family had reached out to him, so didn’t that mean they felt the same way too?  
“I understand,” Dr. Lee said when she saw the conflict in his eyes. “She’s your mother. You feel indebted to her for giving you life, and for raising you. But when they have a child, a parent makes a commitment to always try to act in the best interest of that child, in everything they do. No parent succeeds entirely, of course, but the good ones do a decent job of it. In asking you to hurt yourself so severely your mother broke that commitment to you. You are not responsible for what she did, nor is it your duty to please her. The only way she can hurt you is if you continue to allow her to keep you from the people you love.”  
“But I love her too,” Hakyeon said softly. Even after everything she’d done, he still loved her.  
“I know you do,” Dr. Lee assured him. “And that’s okay. But you love Minhyuk too, right?” Hakyeon nodded. “You want to stay with him, right?” Hakyeon nodded again. Dr. Lee smiled. “Then there’s absolutely no reason why you can’t love them both.”  
Hakyeon stifled a sigh, feeling utterly exhausted as he leaned back in his chair. Of course he could love them both—Hakyeon figured he always would. But that didn’t make it any easier to know that one of the two people he loved most no longer loved him.  
“Let’s shift our focus a little,” Dr. Lee suggested. She could see the fatigue in Hakyeon’s eyes. “I want to help you deal with this situation with Minhyuk, since it seems, to me, to be the most pressing matter at hand to you. Is that okay?”  
“Yes,” Hakyeon replied. As upset as he was about this ridiculous situation with his mother, Minhyuk was a more urgent problem, and he needed to find a solution quickly.  
“Well then, given what you’ve told me, I think I have an idea,” Dr. Lee continued. “It may seem a little surprising or extreme to you, but hear me out.”  
“Okay.” Hakyeon was willing to try nearly anything at this point.  
“I want you to try something, Hakyeon-ssi. The next time you see Minhyuk—and make it a point to see him soon—I want you to try to tell him what you told me, about why you haven’t been able to be intimate with him. I know it’ll be difficult,” she assured Hakyeon, in response to his sudden panicked expression. “I know. But you have to start talking to him if you want your relationship to last.” Hakyeon nodded reluctantly. Dr. Lee was right, and he knew it.  
“Have a healthy discussion with him,” Dr. Lee continued. “Let him know that your mother’s words have been acting like a wall between you, and that it was nothing he did wrong himself. Can you do that?”  
“Yes.”  
“Good. Then, once you’ve done that, if it seems like Minhyuk has been receptive to your words, I want you try being intimate with him. You can start slow. Just allow yourself to kiss him, for example, and then work your way up. It doesn’t even have to be the same day that you talk to him. But I want you to make a little more effort each time you see him, until—before the end of our next two sessions—I want you to try to have sex with him.” Hakyeon’s eyes widened, his cheeks warming in embarrassment.  
“What?”  
“I think your problems with communication and your problems with physical intimacy are connected,” Dr. Lee explained. “I believe that if you can bring yourself to speak just a little with Minhyuk about your feelings, you’ll feel more comfortable being intimate with him. And once you’ve broken the barrier you’ve built against physical intimacy, I think the rest of your struggles with communication will be easier to overcome.” Hakyeon still seemed hesitant. “And,” Dr. Lee added, “I believe it will help reassure Minhyuk that you do want to be with him. I think it’s fair to say he’s probably doubting his position right now, right?”  
“Yes,” Hakyeon agreed reluctantly. He’d seen as much in the way Minhyuk seemed to move so carefully around Hakyeon right now, like he was stepping over broken glass, his words hesitant and his eyes uncertain when he spoke. Dr. Lee nodded.  
“Now, when you have sex with him, I want you to keep a few things in mind. Go slow, and make sure Minhyuk knows when you’re comfortable and when you’re not. Use a position that allows you to see his face, and focus on his eyes. Whenever you start to worry about what your mother said, just look at Minhyuk. Remember who you’re with. What you’re doing in that moment is between you and him, and no one else. No one else’s opinion on it matters, because you love him, and sex is a pure expression of that love. Enjoying intimacy with your partner is not wrong, and it’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s a necessary part of a healthy relationship.”  
Hakyeon’s face had turned thoroughly red by now, after Dr. Lee’s rather descriptive explanation of what she wanted him to do. She was right, though; Hakyeon could never enjoy being intimate with Minhyuk again until he remembered that what they did was a private act meant only for the two of them, and nothing that anyone else had to say about it mattered. Besides, it made them happy, and didn’t Hakyeon want them to be happy? Didn’t he want Minhyuk to stop feeling so uncertain about their relationship, to stop looking so sad and worried whenever he thought Hakyeon wasn’t watching him?  
“Do you think you can do that?” Dr. Lee asked then. Hakyeon took a breath.  
“I’ll try.” 

 

Hakyeon stared at his phone, the small, bright screen casting a sinister white glow over his otherwise darkened bedroom. The message was simple, to the point. There were probably a lot of ways Minhyuk could take it, and though a part of Hakyeon felt guilty for that, he didn’t know what was going to happen tonight. He didn’t know what to tell Minhyuk to expect when he felt so anxious and uncertain himself. He supposed vague was all he could offer at this point.  
Hakyeon took a deep breath and let it out, pressing his finger to the send button as he exhaled. The tiny number one next to the Kakao message disappeared, letting Hakyeon know that Minhyuk had read it almost immediately. He bit his lip, waiting tensely for the response.  
Hakyeon: “Can you come over? We need to talk.”  
Minhyukie<3: “On my way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not personally familiar with real therapy, so if Dr. Lee and her advice seems a little off...it probably is (apologies). Also, feel free to correct me if I'm misusing the Korean honorifics, I am by no means an expert there. Thanks for reading!


	6. Kiss Me, Please

Minhyuk held his breath, his eyes searching Hakyeon’s as he waited for his partner to move. Hakyeon had explained himself, made it seem like they’d be okay, but still Minhyuk couldn’t keep his heart from running like a racehorse in his chest. If this didn’t work, if Hakyeon was still afraid to touch him…what if they got too far in and Hakyeon panicked completely? What if Minhyuk did something wrong and shattered the trust that they’d spent years building together?  
'It’ll be okay,' Minhyuk told himself silently. Hakyeon wanted this. Hakyeon had initiated this. It would be okay…Minhyuk took a deep breath, hope flitting through his chest when Hakyeon’s eyes dropped to Minhyuk’s parted lips, something like desire causing them to brighten. He put his hands on Minhyuk’s shoulders, the touch light and sparking pleasant tingles beneath Minhyuk’s skin. He allowed Hakyeon to push him gently, guiding him to lie back on the bed. Hakyeon positioned himself over Minhyuk, legs on either side of him, and paused to look down at his partner.  
Minhyuk blinked, so desperate for Hakyeon to kiss him that he had to bite his lip to keep from begging. Still Hakyeon stared, unmoving, and something like uncertainty flashed through his tired eyes, making Minhyuk’s heart give a wounded stutter. Was this really going to work? Did Hakyeon really want this like he’d said? Minhyuk didn’t know what he’d do if things went badly tonight. He didn’t think he could handle going back to how they’d been this past month.  
Minhyuk remembered vividly the moment it had started, the first time Hakyeon really shied away from him. It wasn’t too long after the cliff incident. Knowing everything that had happened and afraid for his partner, Minhyuk had kept a close eye on Hakyeon, his heart breaking more each day as he saw the sadness behind Hakyeon’s eyes, the way he looked on the verge of collapse whenever he thought no one was watching.  
Minhyuk understood. Hakyeon’s family was extremely close with one another, and Hakyeon had been a part of that. Then he’d lost it all at once, becoming as good as dead to the people who had loved and raised him. It had devastated him, and Minhyuk had only wanted to bring him some comfort, to distract him for a little while if he could. So one day, as they sat kissing and Minhyuk could almost swear he could taste the sadness on Hakyeon’s tongue, he’d slid his hand down, down…and when it reached its destination, Hakyeon had flinched, actually _flinched_ , and jerked away.  
Minhyuk had been startled by the horrified look on Hakyeon’s face then. “S-sorry!” Minhyuk had stammered, pulling his hand away. “I just…” Hakyeon blinked, his expression changing to one of guilt as he dropped his eyes.  
“Sorry,” he murmured. Minhyuk had put his hand on Hakyeon’s shoulder instead.  
“It’s okay, Hakyeonie,” he assured him. Hakyeon hadn’t seemed to know what to say, and they’d both left each other that night feeling awkward and uncomfortable. Minhyuk wasn’t sure what he’d done wrong—he’d touched Hakyeon like that countless times, and his boyfriend had always liked it. Even if Hakyeon wasn’t in the mood, normally he would’ve just told Minhyuk so, not given him that strange, almost fearful look. Minhyuk had clearly done something very wrong, but he didn’t know what.  
Minhyuk worried over the unusual encounter for days. He saw Hakyeon again, but didn’t try anything for over a week. The thought of Hakyeon looking at him like that again scared him. But then one night, Hakyeon came to him, initiating intimacy himself. There had been an odd air of determination about him and something like nervousness in his eyes. But as Hakyeon climbed into Minhyuk’s lap and began to kiss him, Minhyuk had just been happy to see Hakyeon acting comfortable with him again. So he’d responded with enthusiasm, lapping his tongue into Hakyeon’s eager mouth and sliding his hands down his body.  
For a few minutes, things had felt normal, things had felt good. Hakyeon was kissing him like he always had, and the way he was moving in Minhyuk’s lap made Minhyuk think he wanted more than a make-out session. Happy to oblige, Minhyuk had willingly lost himself in Hakyeon’s electrifying touch. He’d sighed into Hakyeon’s mouth, reaching for the hem of his partner’s shirt.  
But just then Hakyeon had rocked his hips forward again, pressing against Minhyuk. By now Minhyuk was aroused, and he knew Hakyeon had to feel it—and normally that was far from a problem. But this time it made Hakyeon pause. Minhyuk released Hakyeon’s shirt without tugging it over his head, sensing something was wrong. Hakyeon tried to kiss him again, but it didn’t feel right. Eventually he’d pulled back with a small, frustrated sigh. Minhyuk couldn’t tell who it was directed at.  
“I’m sorry, Minhyukie,” Hakyeon had said in a low voice. “I just…I can’t do this…right now, I just can’t…” He shook his head, his eyes on the floor and his cheeks flushed from embarrassment. Minhyuk had brushed a hand gently over Hakyeon’s hair, and told him it was okay. But things had only gotten worse.  
Still afraid of that fearful look Hakyeon had given him the first time, Minhyuk avoided any suggestion of sexual intentions with him. He kept his hands at Hakyeon’s waist or above and touched him carefully, like they were a new couple. But even that had slowly become too much. Minhyuk remembered the way Hakyeon had turned his face away when Minhyuk tried to kiss him goodnight, his confusing rejection like a needle in Minhyuk’s heart. It had even gotten to the point that Minhyuk was afraid to do so much as hold his hand. Hakyeon wouldn’t let Minhyuk kiss him. He seemed uncomfortable when Minhyuk tried to hug him. Yet still, he said nothing about why he had changed so quickly.  
Minhyuk tried to nudge Hakyeon into a conversation about his feelings several times. But every time he did, Hakyeon would go silent, such a stark contrast from his once talkative self; or he’d change the subject, skirting around what Minhyuk really wanted to talk about until Minhyuk gave up.  
Eventually Minhyuk had decided he would just have to wait. If he could show Hakyeon he was patient and understanding, content to wait until Hakyeon came to him, maybe that would be enough to ease his partner’s obvious anxiety. But nothing seemed to help. Hakyeon wouldn’t talk to him, he wouldn’t touch him, he would barely look at him. Just one day before Hakyeon’s fourth consultation with his therapist, Minhyuk had caught him looking at a family photo on his phone, and the look on his face had been enough to tear Minhyuk’s bruised heart down the middle.  
He’d put a hand on Hakyeon’s shoulder, only wanting to comfort him. But even that touch, even that gentle, restrained touch, had made Hakyeon flinch. He’d stood abruptly, his expression all too similar to the one he’d given Minhyuk the first time he’d touched him wrong, a look of desperation and even fear. Minhyuk had dropped his hand. He’d looked at Hakyeon pleadingly, begging him to explain what was wrong. Hakyeon seemed to be on the verge of speaking, and Minhyuk could tell that he wanted to share what was hurting him. But for some reason, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Hakyeon had dropped his eyes, pressing his lips together. Minhyuk had turned and walked away.  
Tears had spilled from Minhyuk’s eyes the minute he got back to his room that day. He’d pressed a hand to his mouth, stifling a sob. Hakyeon had all but withdrawn from him, and he didn’t know how to help him. How could he love someone so much and yet not have the slightest idea how to ease his pain? Minhyuk didn’t know what he’d done wrong, and he didn’t know how to atone for it. No wonder Hakyeon wanted to leave him, dense as he was. Minhyuk had fucked up, and he only wished he could figure out why.  
When Hakyeon texted him three days later, asking Minhyuk to come to VIXX’s dorm so they could speak alone, Minhyuk had been sure Hakyeon was going to break up with him. Minhyuk had walked into that dorm trembling, terrified that he was about to lose his soul mate, and that he would never understand why. He’d sat down in the chair Hakyeon had offered and waited, feeling like a prisoner on the brink of execution.  
Minhyuk had sat in silence, watching Hakyeon tensely as his partner began to speak haltingly. And as he spoke, Minhyuk felt the tremor in his hands ease, felt the fear thrashing in his stomach gradually calm. Hakyeon explained why he had been acting so strange. When he told Minhyuk his mother’s exact words about fucking him every night and Hakyeon choosing his “perversion” over his family, his mouth had fallen open in shock.  
Hakyeon had never told him any direct quotes of what his mother had said to him that day. Even though Minhyuk knew she’d hurt Hakyeon, he never would have imagined she’d say something so harsh and vulgar and cutting to her son. Minhyuk had been all sympathy then, understanding when Hakyeon explained that those words had made him feel guilty for enjoying any physical intimacy with Minhyuk. They’d made him afraid to so much as touch Minhyuk, because Hakyeon loved him so much that even Minhyuk’s hand on his arm felt different from anyone else’s, and even something benign as that brought those awful words to the forefront of his mind.  
Throughout all of this, Minhyuk had wanted nothing more than to take Hakyeon’s hands, to hug him, and to tell him that he understood, and that everything would be okay. But he didn’t touch Hakyeon at all, allowing him to explain himself as much as he needed to. Finally, Hakyeon had looked at him with uncertainty.  
“Do…do you understand now?” he’d asked softly. Minhyuk had nodded.  
“I understand, Hakyeonie. And it’s okay. I’m okay with it.” Hakyeon had seemed to relax a little then, which was all Minhyuk wanted. So he continued. “I’m relieved, actually, to hear your explanation.”  
“Relieved?” Minhyuk smiled sheepishly.  
“I was terrified you’d called me over here to break up with me.” Hakyeon’s eyes widened.  
“Break up with you?” he asked, his voice rising in pitch. Minhyuk almost wanted to sing when he saw how much that suggestion seemed to horrify Hakyeon. “I would never…” He shook his head. To Minhyuk’s surprise and delight, Hakyeon took his hand then, willingly, and looked at him earnestly. “I don’t want to break up with you, Minhyukie, and I am so, so sorry that I ever made you think that.” Minhyuk squeezed his hand.  
“It’s okay. I’m sorry I didn’t realize what you were going through. I was selfish. I spent so much time worrying about myself, thinking I’d made a mistake, when this wasn’t really about me at all, was it?”  
“No,” Hakyeon said quickly. “You did nothing wrong, I promise. Nothing. It’s all me. I just…” His voice dropped to a quiet tone, his words clipped with frustration. “I can’t stop thinking about what she said, and…” He took a shaky breath. Minhyuk bit his lip. Hakyeon looked so small right now, sad and vulnerable…it took everything Minhyuk had not to hug him.  
“I understand, Hakyeonie,” he said again, his tone gentle. “I’m so sorry you have to feel this way. You don’t deserve it. Every human enjoys physical intimacy, and that’s not wrong. I also know you would never choose sex over your family. Your mother said that because she was hurt, not because she believed it. She knows you better than that.” Hakyeon looked up at him, something like hope in his damp eyes.  
“You really think she knows that?” Minhyuk gripped his hand.  
“I know she knows that.” Hakyeon smiled at him then, and though it was small and tentative, that little smile made Minhyuk feel like he’d been showered in sunlight. God, how he’d missed Hakyeon’s smile. Minhyuk smiled back. “I don’t mind waiting, okay?” he said then.  
“Really?”  
“Really. Take as much time as you need. I won’t even try to kiss you unless you want me to, I promise. If it’ll help you through this, I’ll wait as long as you need.” Hakyeon’s expression softened. He blinked slowly, the warm brown depths of his eyes glowing with a love that Minhyuk knew was reserved only for him. As long as Hakyeon looked at him like that, Minhyuk thought he could wait forever.  
But maybe he wouldn’t have to.  
Hakyeon stood then, stepped close to Minhyuk, and leaned down, pressing their lips together. It was gentle and light and brief; and it left Minhyuk gasping. He opened his eyes to see Hakyeon’s face close to his, no trace of fear or hesitation in his expression. In fact Hakyeon looked relieved, as though he’d been as pleasantly surprised as Minhyuk to find that he’d enjoyed that kiss. He smiled again.  
“I love you,” Hakyeon said. Minhyuk cupped Hakyeon’s face in his hand, relishing the moment when Hakyeon didn’t shy from his touch.  
“I love you too,” he whispered. Hakyeon kissed him again. He swung one leg over Minhyuk’s chair and settled himself in his lap. Minhyuk carefully wound his arms around Hakyeon. Hakyeon seemed to tense up for a brief moment; but then he went pliant, giving himself over to the hug. Overwhelmed with relief and joy, Minhyuk returned Hakyeon’s kiss deeply, only then realizing just how desperate he had been for his touch.  
Eventually Hakyeon pulled back. His face was flushed prettily, his lips wet and his pupils dilated. He ran his hand through Minhyuk’s hair, and Minhyuk sensed Hakyeon had missed touching him too. “You know, Dr. Lee gave me an assignment,” he murmured, dropping his gaze to Minhyuk’s lips.  
“An assignment?” Minhyuk asked, brushing his thumb over Hakyeon’s lower back.  
“Yes. It had two parts. The first was to talk to you about why I’ve been afraid to touch you,” Hakyeon said softly. Minhyuk smiled, and kissed the tip of his nose.  
“I’m glad you did. What was part two?” Hakyeon’s lids lowered, giving him a look of desire that sent a pleasant jolt through Minhyuk.  
“Part two…is that she wants me to have sex with you.” Minhyuk’s eyes widened.  
“Your therapist ordered you to have sex with me?” he asked. Hakyeon nodded.  
“She thinks my problems with physical intimacy and my problems with talking to people are related. She thinks having sex with you again will help me “open up.”” Minhyuk bit his lip.  
“In a few ways, I’d imagine.” Hakyeon hit him lightly on the arm, the motion playful.  
“Anyway, I don’t have to do it tonight, but if you want…” His gaze dropped to Minhyuk’s lips again. “I think I’m ready to try it.” Minhyuk felt a thrill go through him. But he restrained it.  
“Are you sure? I really meant it when I said I’m happy to wait,” he assured him. Hakyeon silenced him with a kiss.  
“I don’t want you to wait,” he murmured against Minhyuk’s lips. Minhyuk closed his eyes, holding back a groan of desire. He didn’t want to wait either. But Hakyeon’s well being came first.  
“Are you sure you can go through with it?” Minhyuk asked, wanting to be absolutely certain Hakyeon wasn’t pushing himself into something he wasn’t ready for. Hakyeon had pulled back a little and looked at him steadily.  
“I’m not sure. But I don’t think I’ll ever be sure until I try.” Minhyuk searched his eyes, but Hakyeon was being honest and earnest then. He really did want to try it, Minhyuk decided. And if he wanted to try…well, who was Minhyuk to stop him?  
“Alright,” he agreed. “But if at any moment you want to stop, let me know. I don’t care if I’m three seconds from coming. Just tell me to stop, and I will. I promise.” Hakyeon nodded, his gaze serious and loving and grateful.  
“I believe you.” The chair creaked as he leaned forward and kissed Minhyuk again. “But don’t stop unless I actually say “stop,” okay?” Hakyeon whispered. “I might feel uncertain at some point, but unless I say “stop,” I want you to keep going. Okay?”  
“Okay,” Minhyuk murmured. He felt Hakyeon’s smile against his lips. He pulled Hakyeon close, holding his thin frame tight against his body, kissing him with all the desire and love he’d kept shut away these past weeks when Hakyeon had been afraid to touch him. Hakyeon responded eagerly, no hint of reservation in his lips. He began to grind his hips, and Minhyuk purred with pleasure at the friction. His arousal pressed hard against his zipper, and this time, when Hakyeon felt it, he didn’t shy away. He simply stood, took Minhyuk’s hand, and led him toward the bedroom.  
And now…here they sat. Kissing Hakyeon had felt so easy a few minutes ago, but now that they were actually in bed, now that Minhyuk could feel his own desire straining against his pants, now that Hakyeon was leaning over him, his cheeks pink and his eyes wide and longing and unsure…Minhyuk didn’t know anymore. Was this a bad idea? Had he rushed too much with Hakyeon? He just wanted Hakyeon to kiss him again, god did he want that, but if this tension went on a moment longer Minhyuk thought he might actually break from it. He’d have to sit up and tell Hakyeon they couldn’t, it was too soon, and maybe they should just—  
Minhyuk’s worries went quiet, his thoughts vanishing with a gasp when Hakyeon suddenly leaned down, closing his eyes, and pressed their lips together.


	7. Just Us

Hakyeon pulled back, staring down at his wide-eyed partner. Minhyuk looked startled, and pleased, and nervous, and so hopeful. Hakyeon gave him a small smile, and Minhyuk smiled back. Hakyeon had been almost certain he was ready for this. But when he’d seen Minhyuk lying ready on the covers, cheeks lightly flushed and just a little breathless, Hakyeon had felt that familiar, hated uncertainty rush through him.  
But he’d quelled it just as quickly. The simple memory of Minhyuk telling Hakyeon that he had no need to rush, that everything would be okay and he’d wait as long as Hakyeon wanted, had been all Hakyeon needed to give himself the push to kiss Minhyuk again.  
Dr. Lee was right. Forcing Hakyeon to reveal his secret to Minhyuk had taken something that made him feel ashamed and turned it into something that made him feel incredibly close to the person staring up at him with soft eyes. Hakyeon was still a little amazed at how well Minhyuk had taken everything. He hadn’t expected to go this far with Minhyuk tonight. He hadn’t even planned to kiss him.  
But seeing Minhyuk’s patience, his love, and his absolute understanding of Hakyeon’s internal conflict…it had made Hakyeon want to kiss him right then. So he had, and when he saw the adorable delight and heartbreaking relief in Minhyuk’s eyes as he pulled away, Hakyeon had decided not to wait another day.  
With that thought in mind, Hakyeon leaned down again, and this time he didn’t have to push himself to do it. Minhyuk slid his arms around Hakyeon, and Hakyeon began to stroke his fingers through Minhyuk’s silky hair.  
It felt so good to kiss Minhyuk again, to feel connected to him in a way he could never connect with anyone else. Minhyuk’s hand slid down to the small of Hakyeon’s back, and pulled him close. He allowed Hakyeon to lead, to go at whatever pace he felt comfortable with.  
Slowly but surely, Hakyeon’s kisses grew deeper, hungrier, and there was an urgency behind them as he reached for Minhyuk’s shirt and tugged it over his head. Minhyuk did the same to Hakyeon, grinning with relief when Hakyeon didn’t flinch, didn’t shy away, but merely pressed his bare skin to Minhyuk’s as he drew him even closer.  
Hakyeon’s nimble fingers popped open the button of Minhyuk’s jeans and drew his zipper down in seconds. He sat up and tugged them down with surprising force, taking Minhyuk’s underwear with them. Minhyuk worked his jeans off quickly and reached for Hakyeon. Hakyeon was wearing sweatpants, so undressing him was easy, fluid. The moment his clothes were gone Hakyeon took Minhyuk by the wrists and pressed him against the mattress. They stared at each other for a moment, already breathless.  
Minhyuk’s eyes were full of admiration as they roamed Hakyeon’s body, drinking in every inch of him like he’d been trapped in darkness, and Hakyeon was life-giving sunlight. For all the times he’d pictured Hakyeon like this, Minhyuk’s mind was never able to do him justice. His partner was beautiful, and he took Minhyuk’s breath away every time he saw him. Hakyeon could see the adoration in Minhyuk’s eyes, and it was reflected in his own as he gazed at Minhyuk’s toned frame.  
Hakyeon leaned close, pressing his lips to Minhyuk’s. He rubbed against Minhyuk’s arousal, caressing the bare skin. Minhyuk shivered, lights dancing behind his eyes as he grabbed Hakyeon’s hand and laced their fingers together. Hakyeon’s mouth moved lower, below his ear, then down his neck, sucking at the soft skin. Minhyuk’s breath quickened further, and he could feel a flush creeping up his neck, warming his face.  
He looked to his side, and through hazy vision was able to locate the top-drawer of the bed stand. He slid it open and withdrew the bottle of lubricant inside. He poured the slippery fluid over his fingers while Hakyeon continued to kiss him, his mouth roaming over his body.  
Minhyuk slid his hand down Hakyeon’s back, and grinned when he heard Hakyeon’s sharp intake of breath as Minhyuk touched a finger to his entrance. He began to move it in slow circles. Hakyeon laid his head against Minhyuk’s chest, his eyes closing and his lips parting. Minhyuk took a moment to enjoy that look on Hakyeon’s face. Then he dipped his glistening finger in, drawing the sweetest honey-tinged purr from somewhere low in Hakyeon’s throat. Hakyeon shifted his hips as if to try to get Minhyuk deeper. In response, Minhyuk worked another finger in and began to move them together.  
“There?” he murmured, buried to his knuckles in warmth as he massaged that one sweet spot he never failed to find. Hakyeon gave a wordless whine of pleasure as confirmation, pressing into Minhyuk. He began to move, a gentle gyration, angling his body so that it rubbed Minhyuk’s erection. Minhyuk groaned with desire.  
“Hakyeon…” He couldn’t take much more of this. He withdrew his fingers, repressing a laugh at Hakyeon’s noise of protest. He hooked his foot over Hakyeon’s ankle and twisted, flipping them so that he was on top. It was sudden, and Hakyeon looked startled for an instant. But then he giggled, the sound like clear crystal bells to Minhyuk’s ears.  
“Getting impatient?”  
“Maybe,” Minhyuk replied softly. His slid his hand low, and his wet fingers teased Hakyeon, making him quiver. Hakyeon’s cheeks were flushed and his eyes impossibly warm, like slow-burning flames as they looked right at Minhyuk. He didn’t break his gaze as he grabbed a pillow from behind his head and slid it beneath his lower back, his elevated hips an invitation. Minhyuk moved close as Hakyeon hooked his ankles around him. “Ready?” he asked in a low voice. Hakyeon’s answer came out a whimper, as though his desire was too much to bear.  
“Yes.” Hakyeon held his partner’s gaze, a small gasp escaping him, as Minhyuk carefully slid inside him. Minhyuk’s eyes held a question: was this okay? Hakyeon nodded, so Minhyuk began to move, slow and gentle. Hakyeon’s fingers pressed into Minhyuk’s skin, his eyelids fluttering. It had been so long since they’d done this…  
Hakyeon made a low noise, his voice heavy with need. Minhyuk began to move a little faster, reassured by Hakyeon’s positive response. He leaned down to kiss him. Hakyeon met his mouth with parted lips, tangling his fingers in Minhyuk’s feather-soft hair. He shifted, moving with Minhyuk to allow him to go deeper. Minhyuk moaned, the sound lost in Hakyeon’s mouth.  
Minhyuk’s lips moved lower, to just below Hakyeon’s jaw. Hakyeon wrapped his arms around Minhyuk, a cry of pleasure escaping him. He kept his eyes blissfully closed, enjoying every little touch and shift of Minhyuk against him and inside him. Why had he been so afraid of this? Somehow he’d forgotten how incredible this was.  
He ran his hands over Minhyuk’s skin, so smooth beneath his touch. Hakyeon could feel the ridges of his spine, his shoulder blades as they worked. He traced his finger over the scar Minhyuk had gotten when he was sixteen and fell out of a tree into a thorn bush. Hakyeon had always loved that story for the image it gave him of an adorable, clumsy young Minhyuk.  
He loved every one of Minhyuk’s stories, even the boring ones and the ones Minhyuk told over and over again—Hakyeon never really got tired of hearing them, because the glow of happy memories in Minhyuk’s eyes as he told them made him so beautiful. That glow had been lost lately, though, and Hakyeon knew why. Minhyuk had been afraid Hakyeon was going to break up with him, that he never wanted to be with him like this again…but nothing could be further from the truth.  
Hakyeon took Minhyuk’s face and pulled it to his, and kissed him with a heady passion. He rocked his hips and squeezed Minhyuk tight, causing his partner to cry out with pleasure. Hakyeon wanted to prove to Minhyuk that he didn’t need to worry, that Hakyeon loved him as much as he ever had. So Hakyeon would enjoy this and he would get through it, and then they would be okay.  
Minhyuk gave a needy sigh, his breath hot in Hakyeon’s mouth. Hakyeon arched his neck, moaning, relishing the way Minhyuk’s fingers seemed to leave trails of sparks as they ran down his skin. Minhyuk moved inside him like he belonged there, like he knew Hakyeon’s body better than even Hakyeon ever could; and it was ecstasy, it was bliss. Pleasure rippled through Hakyeon every time he rolled his hips to meet Minhyuk’s thrusts, stoking the flames of his desire as they rushed beneath his skin, filling him with delicious heat that grew hotter, hotter, and yet he begged Minhyuk for more. Hakyeon gripped Minhyuk tight, his heels digging into him and urging him on, a longing more intense than any he’d ever known coursing through him to the tips of his curled toes. Hakyeon never wanted it to stop. He wanted to be with Minhyuk like this every night for the rest of his life.  
But at that thought, sudden words rang in his head, words he’d somehow managed to forget until now.  
“And you can fuck him every night knowing you chose your perversion over your family.”  
Hakyeon gasped, though not in a good way, his eyes flying open. Minhyuk’s lips left his skin as he sat up in response to the noise. No, Hakyeon hadn’t wanted to think about that. This was going so well, he didn’t want to ruin it, he didn’t want to ruin his relationship, he didn’t—  
“Hey.” Minhyuk squeezed Hakyeon’s arm, bringing him back to reality. Hakyeon was looking at him desperately, something like panic in his eyes. Minhyuk’s heart tightened painfully in his chest. “I’m right here, okay?” he promised. He slowed his pace to a gentle rhythm. “Look at my eyes. I’m right here with you. It’s just the two of us, okay?” Minhyuk shifted, twisting his hips a little in the way he knew Hakyeon loved. Hakyeon gave a small gasp, pleasure softening some of the fear in his expression.  
“This is between us, okay?” Minhyuk murmured, moving in that special way again and delighting in the little cry Hakyeon gave in response. “No one else. Just us.” He leaned close to Hakyeon’s face as he thrust just right a third time, causing Hakyeon to shiver with pleasure. He held his partner’s gaze, determined to drive the last trace of any negative emotion from Hakyeon’s eyes. “I love you.”  
Hakyeon’s lids fluttered heavily, his arms tightening around Minhyuk as something like ecstasy spread over his face. So Minhyuk said it again. “I love you.” Hakyeon moaned, arching against Minhyuk, drawing him further inside him.  
“I love you, Cha Hakyeon.” Hakyeon was almost there; Minhyuk could see it in his heady gaze, feel it in his panting breaths. He thrust smooth and deep, losing himself in the feeling of Hakyeon tight around him, yet so soft beneath him, against him, his touch somehow affecting every part of him. “I love you.”  
Hakyeon shuddered, his blushed lips stretching wide in a gasp, his eyes never leaving Minhyuk’s while he came. He gripped Minhyuk and bucked his hips, lids fluttering, head tilted back, Minhyuk’s name ringing from his parted lips in a cry of pure ecstasy.  
Minhyuk moaned, unable to last even a second longer with that incredible expression on Hakyeon’s face. He buried himself in that unmistakable warmth and came there, Hakyeon’s hazy eyes sparking with pleasure when he felt his insides fill with the same slick fluid that now coated them both.  
Minhyuk rocked his hips for a few more blissful moments, riding out the sensation until he and Hakyeon went still in the same breath. They stared at each other, panting and dizzy, until the haze of orgasm passed. Then Hakyeon’s eyes welled with tears.  
Minhyuk chuckled softly as Hakyeon’s breath hitched, a few drops slipping down the sides of his face. Minhyuk brushed his thumb over Hakyeon’s cheek, his smile gentle.  
“Was that okay?” Hakyeon nodded, his chest shaking as small, sharp breaths caught like tiny sobs in his throat. “Then…” Minhyuk held Hakyeon’s gaze, his own eyes stinging with emotion. “We’re going to be okay?” Hakyeon nodded again. Minhyuk made a sound of joy and relief. He kissed Hakyeon again and again, on his lips, his cheeks, his forehead, his nose, and on each of his closed eyelids. He licked saltwater from his lips as Hakyeon gave a very small but audible sob.  
“Shh,” Minhyuk soothed, stroking Hakyeon’s hair. “It’s okay. We’re okay now.” He could feel Hakyeon’s relief in every line of his limp body. He’d probably been even more afraid than Minhyuk of what might happen if he hadn’t been able to go through with this. Minhyuk felt a twinge of pain for his partner, but also such a rush of love and affection that he almost cried himself.  
Minhyuk braced his hands and slid out of Hakyeon, enjoying the little pleasured gasp his partner gave despite his current teary-eyed state. Then Minhyuk lay down beside Hakyeon and pulled him close. He tucked Hakyeon’s head beneath his chin and hugged him tightly. Tears dampened Minhyuk’s skin, but he didn’t mind. He kissed Hakyeon’s forehead and stroked his hair, murmuring to him softly, content to hold him in his arms for as long as they both needed.


	8. Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update, it's been a busy week! Thanks for waiting :)

Minhyuk brushed his fingers over Hakyeon’s smooth thighs, and if his mouth weren’t fully engaged at the moment, he would have grinned. Hakyeon was making the cutest sounds in the whole world as he wriggled beneath Minhyuk, and Minhyuk thought they were sweeter than any song he’d ever heard. As Hakyeon’s fingers tangled in his hair he felt about ready to cry with joy.  
It was so wonderful to be with Hakyeon like this again, to hear his little cries and moans, to feel him quiver with pleasure. It was almost as if their time barely touching had made Hakyeon even more receptive to Minhyuk, and now, rather than avoiding his touch, Hakyeon seemed to crave it—and Minhyuk was more than happy to give him what he wanted. He worked his tongue, his fingers stroking the velvety skin between Hakyeon’s legs.  
Hakyeon cried out, bucking his hips involuntarily and sliding deeper into his partner’s throat. Minhyuk allowed him to, deliberately swallowing so his muscles would constrict, tightening around Hakyeon in an unbearably pleasurable squeeze. Hakyeon jerked and moaned Minhyuk’s name, shuddering with ecstasy as he climaxed. Minhyuk swallowed the warm fluid that filled his mouth, his throat bobbing. Then he slid off his partner but stayed where he was for a long moment, licking Hakyeon clean with long, lazy strokes of his tongue, enjoying the pleased little huffs Hakyeon gave as he did. Finally Minhyuk sat up and crawled forward, bracing his hands on either side of his partner as he looked him over.  
Hakyeon was so gorgeous as he lay there, entirely comfortable with Minhyuk seeing every part of him. His tan skin was shiny with sweat, causing his delicately toned muscles to glisten. His face had a beautiful flush right now, and his eyes were warm with residual pleasure as he looked at Minhyuk. Minhyuk smiled back at him and lowered himself, relaxing against Hakyeon and laying his head on his chest. Hakyeon stroked his hair.  
“I love you,” he murmured. Minhyuk brushed his thumb over Hakyeon’s smooth skin, tracing a line in the thin sheen of sweat. He closed his eyes, feeling blissful.  
“I love you too.” 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

“How are you today, Hakyeon-ssi?” Dr. Lee asked.  
“Alright,” Hakyeon replied. Dr. Lee looked at him closely.  
“You look better than the last time I saw you.”  
“Do I?” Dr. Lee nodded. Hakyeon had practically radiated anxiety and stress last time she’d seen him. He seemed more relaxed today.  
“Did you do my homework?”  
“Yes.” She jotted down a note.  
“Very good. How did Minhyuk respond when you told him what you were feeling?”  
“He took it well,” Hakyeon replied. “He was very understanding. He said he was glad to know it wasn’t anything he’d done wrong.”  
“He was worried he’d done something wrong?”  
“Yes. In fact, he was afraid I was going to break up with him.” Dr. Lee nodded again, unsurprised.  
“See, Hakyeon-ssi? That’s why communication is so vital in a healthy relationship.”  
“I see,” Hakyeon agreed quietly. He still felt bad for causing Minhyuk pain, though Minhyuk had told him not to worry about it.  
“Did he say anything else?”  
“He told me he was sorry for not realizing what I was going through, even though he didn’t need to apologize. I mean, how could he have known, right? And then…then he also said that he’d wait as long I wanted. He said he wouldn’t try to touch me at all until I wanted him to.” Dr. Lee took another note, looking intrigued.  
“He said he’d wait as long you as needed?” she reiterated. Hakyeon nodded. “Did you feel he was making a sincere promise?”  
“Yes,” Hakyeon answered immediately. He was absolutely sure that Minhyuk had been sincere that night. Had Hakyeon asked him to wait, he would have waited.  
“Well then.” Dr. Lee looked at Hakyeon warmly. “It sounds like you have a very supportive partner, don’t you?” Hakyeon agreed; he certainly did.  
“So then,” Dr. Lee continued, glancing at her notes. “If he said he’d wait…should I assume you haven’t done part two of my homework?” Hakyeon felt an embarrassed flush begin to creep up his neck.  
“No, I…I did,” he admitted haltingly. Dr. Lee looked vaguely surprised.  
“And? Was it successful?”  
“Yes,” Hakyeon said, knowing his ears had to be bright red by now. Dr. Lee tapped her pen against the notepad.  
“You felt comfortable during?”  
“Mostly,” Hakyeon said, starting to fantasize about running out the door before this got more embarrassing.  
“Mostly? Was there a moment when you were uncomfortable?” Hakyeon nodded. “May I ask how Minhyuk responded?”  
“He got me through it,” Hakyeon admitted. “We were…”doing it,” and everything was going well, and then suddenly I could hear those goddamn words again like she was saying them right to my face, and I almost panicked. But Minhyukie…he saw that I was freaking out, and he told me to just look at him. He said it was just the two of us, and that he loved me, and…I don’t know, it…it worked.”  
“It worked?” Hakyeon nodded.  
“You were able to finish?” Good lord.  
“Yes,” Hakyeon admitted, wanting to cover his face with his hands. The questions this woman asked…Dr. Lee jotted another note. Hakyeon wondered what exactly she was writing this time.  
“How did you feel when you were done? Did you do anything unusual afterwards?” This time Hakyeon did cover his face with his hands.  
“I cried,” he admitted, humiliation burning his skin.  
“Why?”  
“I just felt so relieved…I’d been afraid I was going to lose Minhyukie. I’d been worried I’d never be able to have sex with him or anyone again, so when I could…I don’t know. I just felt relieved.”  
“Well believe it or not, crying in your situation, after all that, is actually quite a normal response,” Dr. Lee assured him. “You’ve no need to feel embarrassed.” Hakyeon dropped his hands, though he still felt quite embarrassed. “How did Minhyuk respond when you started crying?” Hakyeon laughed softly.  
“I think he laughed a little. But then he just smiled and asked if my reaction meant that we were going to be okay—you know, as a couple. I told him yes, and he looked so happy…he just hugged me until I stopped crying.” Dr. Lee wrote another note.  
“You told him you thought your relationship was going to be okay?”  
“Yes.”  
“And did you mean that?”  
“Yes,” Hakyeon replied. He wouldn’t have said it otherwise. After everything they’d been through in the last week, he felt reassured. He and Minhyuk could do this. Dr. Lee looked pleased.  
“Well then. That must explain the change.” Hakyeon blinked, confused.  
“What change?” Dr. Lee tapped her pen, her eyes warm.  
“You seem happier, Hakyeon-ssi. You walked in here today looking better than I’ve ever seen you. Your friends told me you’re a warm person who lights up a room when he’s happy. I saw a glimmer of that light today where I’ve never seen it before.” Hakyeon stared, unsure of how to respond. Was that true? Was he really starting to look better? And if so, did that mean…he was starting to get better? Dr. Lee smiled, and glanced at her notepad again.  
“So, do you think you’ve officially broken your barrier against physical intimacy with Minhyuk?” Hakyeon nodded. “Are you sure? Have you been intimate with him again since the time you just told me about?”  
“Yes.”  
“And it was comfortable?”  
“Yes.” Dr. Lee looked as pleased as Hakyeon had ever seen her.  
“Excellent! You’re making so much progress, Hakyeon-ssi. I think we’re ready to move on to working on making you more comfortable with confiding in others, and in your friends as well as Minhyuk.” Hakyeon kind of wanted to sigh, though he repressed the urge. He wasn’t nearly as excited about that as his therapist apparently was. But strangely, he felt ready to try it.  
“Okay,” he agreed.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………...

“Take care, Hakyeon-ssi. I’ll see you next week,” Dr. Lee said. Hakyeon thanked her and stood. “Oh, and Hakyeon-ssi.” Hakyeon paused.  
“Yes?” He raised his eyebrows, startled by the sudden mischievous look on his therapist’s face.  
“Keep having sex with Minhyuk. I think it’s helping you.” Hakyeon put a hand to his face, embarrassed. Dr. Lee was still smiling. “You can tell Minhyuk you’re under doctor’s orders to have sex with him at least once this week, okay? I don’t think he’ll complain.” Hakyeon repressed a groan. Aish, this woman…what kind of doctor routinely prescribed sex? Not that Hakyeon felt at all conflicted about carrying out those orders, of course…  
“Yes, doctor,” he muttered. He hurried out of the room, eager to leave the cloud of embarrassment swirling around him behind in the office. Hakyeon pushed open the glass doors of the main building and stepped out into warm sunlight. Better…were things really getting better? Hakyeon supposed they must be; why else did he feel less tired, less anxious, more alive? He and Minhyuk had fought hard these past weeks to rise above everything people did to push them down. And that was how it worked, wasn’t it? Fight long enough and eventually you have to win…right?  
Hakyeon felt his lips doing something they hadn’t done in a while: they were curving at the edges in a smile. He took a step forward, enjoying the soft warmth of the sun on his skin. Hakyeon paused when he heard Minhyuk’s voice. His part in BTOB’s new song was still Hakyeon’s ringtone, and Hakyeon felt his tiny smile widen as he reached for his phone, hoping it was Minhyuk calling. It wasn’t, it was Eunkwang instead, but that was okay too. Hakyeon raised the phone to his ear.  
“Hello?” He was surprised by the lightness in his own voice as he greeted his friend. But Eunkwang’s tone was much darker, and he sounded out of breath as he spoke.  
“Hakyeon. Where are you?” Hakyeon felt his smile slip. Something was wrong. Eunkwang sounded near frantic.  
“Um, I was at a consultation with my therapist, but I just got out. What’s wrong?”  
“How close are you to Seoul National University Hospital?” Hakyeon felt his stomach drop right out of his body, his heart stopping in fear.  
“Why? What happened?” He heard Eunkwang take a deep breath.  
“Minhyuk’s been hurt. Get here as quickly as you can.”


	9. Hakyeon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains graphic violence, offensive language, and an entirely too sappy Minhyuk.

Minhyuk looked up at the elderly woman who stood in front of their table. He was out with Eunkwang for dinner, and so far the only person to approach them had been a wide-eyed fan who’d asked for a picture and then run away crying tears of joy when she got it. But this new woman didn’t look like a fan, and he wasn’t sure what she wanted. Then she spoke.  
“You’re that boy Minhyuk from BTOB, right?” she asked. Minhyuk nodded.  
“Yes, ahjumma.” The lady frowned.  
“I thought so. What are you doing being so public about it? It’s shameful.” Minhyuk repressed a sigh. He had a feeling he knew what she was talking about. But he asked anyway.  
“About what?” The lady reached into her bag and withdrew a pamphlet with a burning rainbow flag on the cover.  
“Sodomy is a mortal sin,” she said gravely. “You’ll go to Hell for engaging in it.” Minhyuk bristled, gripping the cloth of his sleeve tightly, his nails digging into his own skin. In the past, he might have tried to make peace with this woman and let her go on her self-righteous way. He thought maybe that was what he should do. But Minhyuk was tired of all this, tired of denying and downplaying who he was, who his partner was. There was nothing wrong with them, and people needed to start recognizing that.  
So, rather than give in, Minhyuk simply raised an eyebrow and said, “Why? Because it feels like heaven?” He heard Eunkwang gasp. The old woman’s mouth dropped open.  
“I-you…shameful!” she sputtered. “Not only do you acknowledge your sin, you’re proud of it!” Minhyuk swallowed another sigh.  
“Ahjumma, I only want to be with my partner in peace. I can’t have that if I keep allowing people to tell me it’s wrong to love my boyfriend.” The woman pressed her lips together, chagrined.  
“It’s not love. A man cannot love another man the way he loves a woman. It’s a perverse sexual attraction that you young people mistake for love.”  
“You may think that,” Minhyuk said, “but nevertheless, I love him. And he loves me. There’s nothing wrong about any of it.” The woman shook her head again.  
“All young men think about is sex. Put two warped ones together and you get this. That’s all this is.”  
“You’re wrong,” Minhyuk said simply. The woman’s eyes widened in offense.  
“Well then, prove it,” she insisted. “What exactly is it that makes you think you love this other boy?” Minhyuk was finally able relax a little then. This woman didn’t know what she’d just gotten herself into, because Minhyuk could talk all day about why he loved Hakyeon. The only question was, where to start?  
“Well, of course I find Hakyeon attractive,” he began. “But there are plenty of attractive people out there. Why would I commit myself to just one for the rest of my life if I didn’t love him?” The woman opened her mouth to speak, but Minhyuk continued, his eyes taking on a far-away glint as he thought of his partner.  
“When Hakyeon is happy, being around him makes all my anxieties, all my negative feelings, just disappear. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, his very presence makes everything more colorful. He literally makes my world brighter, and I can’t look at anything else when I’m with him.” Minhyuk’s lips curved in a dreamy smile.  
“And whenever we’re apart, I spend all my time thinking of how to make him smile. Because when I see that smile, no matter what’s happened to me that day, I feel like I could endure anything in the world for him. When he smiles at me, all I want to do is hug him and hold his hand and tell him that to me, he’s the center of everything.” Minhyuk straightened, his eyes regaining focus as he looked directly at the woman.  
“When I’m doing something fun, he’s the person I want by my side more than anyone else. When I’m crying, he’s the person I want to hold more than anyone else. And when I miss him…” He unlocked his phone and opened his photos. “I have private pictures of Hakyeon, but I don’t look at those when I miss him. I look at this.” He held up his phone to the woman, showing her a picture of Hakyeon. In it, he was standing in a street, surrounded by raining flower petals, a look of childlike delight on his face as he reached to catch one. Minhyuk had taken it at a festival they went to together.  
“Or this,” Minhyuk said, swiping to another photo. This time, Hakyeon was hugging a fluffy cat, his eyes closed and a joyful smile lighting up his features. “Or this.” Hakyeon was sitting in front of a table of food now, his mouth full of noodles, looking at the camera like he’d been caught by surprise. Minhyuk dropped his phone.  
“And before you bring it up again, ahjumma, yes, we do have sex.” Minhyuk enjoyed the way the old woman flinched then. “And yes, we do care about it,” he continued. “But not because we’re two guys looking to get laid. We care about it because it’s an act of love so intimate we lose what makes us two separate people. When we do something like that together, it makes us one soul.” The table was silent. The woman stared at Minhyuk, speechless, her face pale. Minhyuk gave her a small smile.  
“So, ahjumma. Are you really going to try to tell me that I don’t love him?” The woman’s mouth opened and closed like a fish. Finally, she grabbed her pamphlet off the table, shook her head, and walked away. Satisfied, Minhyuk turned to Eunkwang, who was looking at him with an incredulous expression.  
“Minhyukie…”  
“Yes?”  
“That was…” he shook his head. “I think you could’ve been a poet instead of an idol.” Minhyuk laughed.  
“No seriously,” Eunkwang continued. “I knew you said you loved Hakyeonie, but I feel like I just watched a drama.” Minhyuk shrugged.  
“I just said what was in my heart. That woman thinks I can’t love Hakyeonie, so I wanted to prove her wrong.” Eunkwang was quiet for a moment, and Minhyuk thought he looked strangely sad.  
“For real…you really love him, don’t you?” he asked softly. Minhyuk smiled.  
“I really do. He’s my partner; I’d marry him right now if I could.” Eunkwang smiled too, though the sadness in his eyes only seemed to deepen. He patted Minhyuk on the shoulder.  
“Then I hope for both your sakes’ that someday, you can.” Minhyuk glanced down at his phone, where noodle-face Hakyeon was still staring up at him. He stroked his thumb over the picture, tracing Hakyeon’s cheek.  
“Me too.” 

 

“Whose turn is it to get the cab fare?” Eunkwang asked as they walked. Minhyuk gave him a sideways look.  
“You really don’t know the answer to that question?” Eunkwang grinned sheepishly.  
“Fine, fine. I was just hoping you’d forget and take one for the team.”  
“What team?” Minhyuk glanced around theatrically, knowing it was just the two of them.  
“Team Silverlight?” Eunkwang tried.  
“But that’s still just you.”  
“Exactly!” Minhyuk shook his head, grabbing at Eunkwang in the hopes of snatching his leader’s wallet right out of his pocket. Minhyuk had already paid for the last two cabs, he wasn’t letting Eunkwang get away from this one too. Eunkwang skipped away, laughing. Minhyuk moved to pursue him, but before he could, he felt someone grab him roughly from behind. A large, clammy hand pressed over Minhyuk’s mouth before he could shout, and then he was being dragged into the alley they’d been passing by.  
Minhyuk twisted, kicking at his attacker, and heard a grunt. He managed to break away for an instant, only to be grabbed again by a different pair of hands. Minhyuk jerked, ready to fight off whoever tried to stop him. He knew how to defend himself. But as Minhyuk moved to strike the person holding him, he heard a familiar voice cry out in pain, and he froze.  
“I wouldn't do that if I were you,” a gravelly voice said in his ear. Minhyuk had to repress the urge to shiver at the hot, wet breath that tickled his skin. He looked up and realized that there was a large man standing across from him, holding Eunkwang in an inescapable hold, an arm wrapped around his throat.  
“Keep struggling and I crush his windpipe,” the man growled, glaring at Minhyuk. Eunkwang’s eyes were wide and frantic, but as they met Minhyuk’s they still flicked pointedly toward the entrance of the alleyway. Eunkwang was telling Minhyuk to run, to fight and get away. Minhyuk shook his head once. He couldn’t do that, not if it meant leaving his friend behind. Eunkwang looked ready to argue, like he was going to start shouting at Minhyuk to run. But then the man holding him tightened his grip, and suddenly Eunkwang couldn’t even breathe enough to speak.  
“Let him go,” Minhyuk said, fighting to force his words out in a steady, demanding voice. The man holding Minhyuk tightened his grip, and Minhyuk had to bite his tongue to keep from groaning in pain.  
“Not until we’re done with you,” he hissed, still disgustingly close to Minhyuk’s ear.  
“What do you want?” Minhyuk snapped, his mind racing as he tried to think of a way to get Eunkwang free. If the men wanted money, they should’ve tried to take it already, but Minhyuk couldn’t imagine what else they could possibly be after. He and Eunkwang were celebrities, but hardly enough to warrant a kidnapping from grown men who didn’t look like fans. What the hell was going on?  
Minhyuk froze, all thoughts of escape fleeing from his mind when two more figures appeared, stepping into his field of view from either side. These men were just as big as the other two, and with Eunkwang and Minhyuk held so securely, there was no way they were going to get away with four people trying to stop them. Minhyuk had to repress another shiver as the third man looked at him. His eyes were cold and condescending, and his dry lips curled at the edges in a sneer.  
“We heard your little speech in the restaurant,” he said, looking Minhyuk up and down like he was a dirty piece of meat. “Did it make you feel good, offending a well-meaning ahjumma like that? Bragging about your perversion in public? You realize we were trying to eat in there, right?” Minhyuk clenched his teeth, fury and fear fighting for control of his emotions. That was what this was about? Him and Hakyeon? Minhyuk had dealt with furious fans and anti-fans, tabloid writers and worse since the pictures were released, but no one had physically assaulted him before, not like this. He didn’t know what these men had planned.  
“If you didn’t like it, you didn’t have to listen,” Minhyuk said in a low voice, wondering how much he could get away with. He wanted to tell these men exactly how wrong they were for doing this and why, but he was afraid of pushing things too far and getting Eunkwang hurt.  
“Oh, we had to,” the man holding Minhyuk said, tightening his grip further until Minhyuk felt like his ribs would be crushed. “You and that other bitch have been prancing around like the fairies you are for weeks, and no one’s done a damn thing about it!”  
“We figure it’s our moral obligation to teach you a lesson,” the third man said, almost in a purr as he approached Minhyuk. “And we’re gonna hold your friend right here until we do.” Minhyuk opened his mouth, drawing in what breath he could, preparing to scream for help. But once again that large, clammy hand clapped over his mouth, muffling the strangled sound.  
“We told you not to try that,” the third man hissed, fury sparking in his previously amused gaze. Eunkwang gave another cry of pain as the man holding him did something, something Minhyuk couldn’t see with the other two men standing in front of him.  
“You’re going to stay quiet and you’re going to take this lesson like a man, if you even are one,” the third one growled, leaning close to Minhyuk’s face. Minhyuk flinched in disgust as spit landed on his skin. “And if you don’t…well, you can’t be that stupid, right? You know what’ll happen.” This time the sound Eunkwang made was muffled, like he’d tried not to cry out but couldn’t quiet contain it. Minhyuk glared, doing his best to look furious and unafraid, though his heart was fluttering like a caged bird in his chest. Before he could try to speak, an iron fist drove hard into his gut. Minhyuk doubled over, gagging as pain blossomed through his abdomen.  
The man holding Minhyuk threw him to the ground. Minhyuk’s skin scraped against the asphalt as he landed, and he had no chance to recover before a heavy boot slammed into his side. Minhyuk clenched his teeth, fighting his urge to cry out. He wanted to stand up, to fight back and give these men what they deserved. But if he did, they might hurt Eunkwang even worse…and he just couldn’t risk that.  
Minhyuk curled up, doing his best to cover his head and face as the men continued their assault, kicking and hitting, cursing and spitting. They kept telling Minhyuk things, terrible, disgusting things about what he deserved, about what they thought Hakyeon deserved. They accused him and Hakyeon of horrible crimes, things that would have made either one of them sick to even think about.  
Minhyuk wanted to tell them it wasn’t true, none of it was true, all he and Hakyeon had ever done was love each other. But it would do no good, Minhyuk knew it would do no good, and he was starting to lose his ability to think coherently anyway.  
Minhyuk just wanted it to end. His body had never hurt so much before, and each new hit had begun to feel like a strike with a white-hot hammer, searing his bruised, bleeding skin. Something cracked, and Minhyuk couldn’t even tell which bone it was that had broken. He finally cried out, unable to hold back with his whole body aching like he’d been lit on fire and doused with bleach. Minhyuk thought he heard the men laugh, though it was hard to tell, delirious as he was. He was going to pass out. Minhyuk thought he might even die, and that sounded kind of nice right now, except…Hakyeon.  
Wait. Minhyuk couldn’t die; he’d never see Hakyeon again if he did.  
Minhyuk fought to raise his head, blinking blood away from his eyes. He could hear his own ragged breathing grating against his throat, and more blood spilled from his mouth as he coughed. But still he fought to stay conscious, because he needed to see Hakyeon again. Gradually Minhyuk realized that the pounding, unending pain of the men’s blows had stopped. They were backing off, muttering something to each other. The man holding Eunkwang struck him in the head and pushed him to the ground. Then the four ran off, disappearing from Minhyuk’s blurry field of vision in seconds.  
The world spun then as a wave of unbearable dizziness swept over him. Minhyuk turned his head to the side and vomited on the ground, his bruised stomach clenching in protest. He thought someone called his name, but all he could hear for sure was the dull thud of his own head as it landed on the asphalt. He didn’t have the strength to hold it up anymore.  
Minhyuk blinked slowly, the world tinted red, as a familiar face came into view. At first it looked like Eunkwang, and there were tears streaming down his cheeks. He grabbed Minhyuk and said something—Minhyuk’s name, it seemed like. But then the world reeled again, and Minhyuk squeezed his eyes shut. When he opened them the face had changed. The features were suddenly softer, the hair darker, and the eyes were warm as they looked down at Minhyuk with love. Minhyuk smiled, a warm, fuzzy quiet spreading through him as he looked at the face, familiar as air. He’d gotten to see him again after all.  
Minhyuk’s heavy lids slid closed, a single name leaving his cracked lips in a soft, peaceful breath.  
“Hakyeon.”


	10. Your Fault

Hakyeon hurried through the doors of the hospital, breathless as he rushed into the waiting room. He looked around and spotted Eunkwang standing in a corner. He had a bandage around his head, and was speaking with an older couple. Hakyeon realized he recognized them, though he’d only ever seen pictures before. Eunkwang was talking to Minhyuk’s parents.

Hakyeon walked quickly toward them, and Eunkwang spotted him first. “Hakyeon!” he exclaimed, looking relieved as he moved to greet him.

“Eunkwang! What happened?” Hakyeon asked, wide-eyed as he took in the bandage on his friend’s head and the red markings on his neck. Eunkwang opened his mouth to answer, but before he could, Minhyuk’s father pushed past him and grabbed Hakyeon by the shirt.

“What happened?” he reiterated, his voice dripping with fury. “Minhyuk got the shit beat out of him by a bunch of strangers and it’s _all. Your. Fault!”_ The man shoved Hakyeon on the last word, causing Hakyeon to stumble backwards. “You think this would’ve happened if you weren’t so damn open about it?!” Hakyeon tensed, afraid the man might actually try to hit him. But before he could, his wife stepped forward, pushing her husband back with a hand on his chest.

“Stop it,” she ordered sharply. She turned to Hakyeon, offering an apologetic bow. “I’m sorry, Hakyeon-ah. We know it’s not your fault.” Hakyeon looked between the two, uncertain. Then he bowed back.

“It’s alright, ahjumma. Please, may I know what happened?” Minhyuk’s mother straightened, her eyes damp and her face tight with worry.

“Minhyukie got ambushed by a group of men in alley when they were walking home. They held Eunkwang so he wouldn’t fight back, and then…” The mother trailed off, her voice wavering.

“They beat the shit out him,” Minhyuk’s father repeated in a harsh deadpan. Hakyeon felt his stomach give a sickening lurch as an image of Minhyuk lying bloody on the ground flashed through his mind.

“Why?” he breathed. Eunkwang stepped forward before the father could speak.

“I was having dinner with him when an ahjumma approached us,” he explained quietly. “She tried to tell Minhyukie he shouldn’t be dating you, asking how it was possible for Minhyuk to love you. So he told her why he loved you, and afterwards when we were walking outside, a group of men grabbed us. They said they overheard what Minhyukie told the ahjumma and that they didn’t like it, so they…” Eunkwang shrugged helplessly and pointed to his bandage. “They did this.” Hakyeon felt suddenly light headed, his knees weak. Minhyuk had been beaten up for talking about Hakyeon, about why he loved him? He was in the hospital because of that?

Hakyeon’s stomach coiled, and he had to fight his sudden urge to throw up. Minhyuk’s father was right; it _was_ his fault. Hakyeon looked at his partner’s parents, though he felt ashamed to meet their eyes. Minhyuk’s father was still glaring, while his mother just looked fretful. Hakyeon bowed his head, lowering himself in a bow of apology.

“I am so sorry,” he said, his voice almost breaking on the word. “I shouldn’t have let this happen.” Minhyuk’s father just scoffed and turned away. But his mother knelt, and placed a hand on Hakyeon’s shoulder.

“Don’t blame yourself, sweetheart,” she said softly. “The only ones at fault are the men who did this.” Hakyeon caught his breath, his eyes suddenly stinging. He wondered what his own mother would say if she were here, and decided he didn’t want to think about it. Hakyeon stood, nodding gratefully at Minhyuk’s mother. She gave him a small, sad smile and took his arm. “Come on. They said we could visit Minhyukie now. Let’s go together, okay?” Minhyuk’s father looked like he wanted to argue, but the daggers his wife sent him with her eyes kept him quiet.

Hakyeon walked beside Minhyuk’s mother, trying to appreciate how nice the woman was being. But it was hard not to dwell on the little voice with teeth that nipped at Hakyeon’s heart, telling him his own mother should be the one to comfort him when something like this happened. Hakyeon pushed it away as best he could. The woman beside him was as good as his mother-in-law, after all, and Hakyeon was grateful to see her acting supportive.

They walked down another hallway, took an elevator to the third floor, and turned twice more before stopping in front of a closed door. The nurse who had led them knocked, and then slid the door open. Hakyeon held his breath as they walked inside, only to let it out as the air rushed from his lungs like he'd been hit in the gut.

Minhyuk was sitting up in bed, and he smiled when he saw his visitors. But…what the hell had they done to him? Minhyuk’s head was wrapped in a bandage like Eunkwang’s. His face was covered in purple and yellow bruises, his left eye was swollen and red, his lip was split, and he had some vicious scrapes on his right cheek. Hakyeon could also see bandages peeking out from the v-neck of Minhyuk’s hospital shirt; they looked like they’d been wrapped around his chest.

Minhyuk’s parents rushed forward, hugging their son while Hakyeon stood frozen in the doorway. What had they done…Hakyeon was furious at those men, so angry he wanted to turn and punch a hole right through the wall, he didn’t even care if it broke his hand. But he was even angrier at himself; because despite what Minhyuk’s mother had said, Hakyeon couldn’t help feeling like this was his fault.

Minhyuk hugged his parents, both of whom had tears in their eyes now. “God, son, what did they do to you?” his father breathed, gently holding Minhyuk’s face and turning his head back and forth.

“Oh,” Minhyuk said, glancing briefly at Hakyeon, “it could’ve been worse.” He replied with fake ease, and Hakyeon’s stomach twisted with guilt. He had a feeling Minhyuk wouldn’t have said that if Hakyeon weren’t there.

“How the hell could this be worse?” Minhyuk’s father exclaimed.

“Well, the doctors say there shouldn’t be any permanent damage,” Minhyuk reasoned. “So yeah, that’s not so bad. And I only broke one bone, which is kind of amazing, and they say it should heal really quickly, so—“

“What did you break?” Hakyeon asked suddenly, unable to stand the way Minhyuk was smiling even though the action had to be hurting his bruised cheeks. Minhyuk’s expression faltered for a moment before he regained control.

“Oh, just a rib. It’s a pretty minor fracture, though.” His father hissed, glaring at Hakyeon again. Minhyuk put a hand over his parent’s, subtly urging his father to shift his focus back to his son. The man did, albeit reluctantly.

“Well, we’re just glad you’re safe now,” Minhyuk’s mother breathed, leaning down to hug her son again. She straightened, wiping her eyes, and looked over her shoulder to where Hakyeon still stood in the doorway. “Come join us, Hakyeon-ah.” She waved him over, and Hakyeon followed on stiff legs. He took a seat beside the bed, and Minhyuk smiled for real as he looked at him.

“I’m glad to see you’re not hurt,” he said warmly. Hakyeon’s eyes widened a bit.

“Why would I be hurt?” Minhyuk shrugged.

“I just worry. If people are willing to do this to me, they must be ready to do it to you too. I’m happy to know you’re safe.” Hakyeon’s expression saddened, prompting Minhyuk to reach for his hand.

“I’m sorry this happened to you,” Hakyeon said softly. “I should’ve been there.”

“I’m glad you weren’t,” Minhyuk replied, brushing his thumb across the back of Hakyeon’s hand. “It only would’ve ended in you getting hurt too. I’m glad it was me.” Minhyuk’s father gave another soft hiss, but Minhyuk just squeezed Hakyeon’s hand, ignoring the sound. His father’s words rang in Hakyeon’s head, and Hakyeon squeezed back, causing Minhyuk to flinch a little with how tightly he gripped his hand.

“Minhyukie…maybe we shouldn’t be so open,” Hakyeon suggested, hardly loud enough to be heard. This time Minhyuk’s eyes grew wide, his face paling at the unexpected words.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that if we weren’t so public, this might not happen. Maybe we should pretend to break up, or…um…” Hakyeon was floundering for words, because he hadn’t planned to say any of this. But seeing Minhyuk looking so battered, imagining him even worse and covered in blood in that alleyway, Hakyeon felt scared. He was scared Minhyuk’s father had been right, and that if Hakyeon had somehow done something differently, this wouldn’t have happened.

“Hakyeonie, I’m not pretending.” Minhyuk’s voice was firm, and Hakyeon looked up in surprise. “We haven’t been more public than any other idol couple—those pictures weren’t even released with our consent. It isn’t our fault that this happened, and it _certainly_ isn’t yours.” Hakyeon almost jumped. How had Minhyuk known what he was thinking so clearly? Hakyeon hadn’t told him he felt guilty. Minhyuk reached up and poked him in the forehead.

“I know you too well, remember?” Minhyuk’s tone was all endearment then, but it turned serious as he continued. “I love you, and I’m not giving you up for the sake of some assholes I’ll never see again unless we’re in a courtroom. If I pretend to be ashamed of what we have, they win.” Minhyuk’s gaze was steady, and he gripped Hakyeon’s hand encouragingly. “Baby, this didn’t phase me. Not even a little. I swear to you, I’m okay.” Hakyeon bit his lip, looking Minhyuk up and down. Minhyuk sounded so sincere. But there was no way he could really be okay, not when he was lying in a hospital bed looking like he’d been pulled from the wreckage of a collapsed building. Minhyuk could tell his partner didn’t believe him, so he tried again.

“You know you’re the last thing I saw before I passed out?” he asked, his tone loving and soft. Hakyeon’s lips parted a little in surprise, but he found he had nothing to say. Minhyuk smiled again. “I kept thinking, “I can’t give up, I need to see Hakyeon again.” You kept me going. It was all you.” Hakyeon blinked, and glanced around. Minhyuk’s mother had tears in her eyes and a hand to her heart, a moved expression on her face. Minhyuk’s father was glaring at the ground.

Hakyeon looked back at his partner. Minhyuk raised Hakyeon’s hand and kissed it, his swollen lips covering more space than they normally would. “I’m not denying to anyone that I love you, and I never will. And I don’t want you to ever feel like you have to either. Okay?” Hakyeon hesitated. Minhyuk’s gaze was so earnest, and there was a flicker of nervousness behind it. He was afraid that Hakyeon might insist on pretending to be something they weren’t. But then Hakyeon nodded.

“Okay.” He did his best to sound genuine, though he spoke only to try to put out the worry in Minhyuk’s eyes. And it worked, though not completely. They could both sense the uncertainty beneath Hakyeon’s words. But still he did his best to smile back at Minhyuk, allowing Minhyuk to relax just a bit. They were both shaken by this, but they would get through it. Hakyeon just needed to keep telling himself that until it was true.

 

 

 

            Hakyeon spent hours with Minhyuk and his parents, unable to tear his eyes from his partner the entire time. Minhyuk’s mother managed a smile at one point, making some comment about how it was adorable, the way Minhyuk and Hakyeon looked at each other like they were the only two people in the world. Minhyuk’s father just kept staring darkly at the floor. Only when Minhyuk had fallen asleep and the doctor was physically pushing them out the door did they all leave. As soon as the door shut behind them, Minhyuk’s father grabbed Hakyeon’s wrist, his grip firm but not painfully tight.

            “Hakyeon. I need to talk to you for a moment.” His wife gave him a sharp look, but the man clearly wasn’t going to budge. Minhyuk’s mother looked at Hakyeon, a question in her concerned gaze. Hakyeon nodded once, and she sighed.

            “Alright then. I’ll wait for you in the lobby.” She poked her husband in the chest. “Be nice,” she said sternly before walking away. Minhyuk’s father pulled Hakyeon to the end of the hall, where there was no one around to hear them. Hakyeon waited in silence, trying not to show his nerves. This man had almost hit him before, Hakyeon could only imagine what he planned to say. But to his surprise, Minhyuk’s father gave a weary sigh, and when he looked at Hakyeon, he almost seemed…sorry?

            “Look, Hakyeon-ah. I’ll make this quick, because I know how exhausted we both are right now and I just want to get to the point. So here it is: Minhyuk is my son, and I only want what’s best for him. And if I truly believed you were the best person to make him happy, I’d accept it. Minhyuk told us what your family did to you, and I’m sorry. We’re not like that. My son can date a man if he wants, and we won’t curse him for it.” Minhyuk’s father looked him up and down, his tone quieting. “But I just can’t let this happen.” Hakyeon clenched his fists, too afraid to ask why. He didn’t have to, anyway. He knew Minhyuk’s father would tell him regardless.

            “Minhyuk isn’t quite like you. You know that, right?” his father asked. Hakyeon nodded, trying to ignore the panicked thump of his heart. “You don’t like women—you _can’t_ be attracted to women, right?” Hakyeon nodded again. He had a sinking feeling he knew where this conversation was going.

            “Right, that’s what Minhyuk said,” his father agreed. “I understand that, Hakyeon-ah. And I understand that means that for you, dealing with all this negative publicity isn’t really a choice, not if you want to be open about who you are. I get it. But Minhyuk is different, and he shouldn’t have to deal with this. You know what I mean, don’t you?” Hakyeon dropped his eyes, his nails biting into his palms as he stared at the tile.

            “I know,” he agreed softly.

            “You tell each other everything, right?” his father prompted. “So you must know Minhyuk likes women too. He says personality is the most important thing to him, and he could love a man or a woman the same, if they were the right one.” Hakyeon knew that. He knew Minhyuk didn’t differentiate between gender. Before meeting Hakyeon, he’d had no preference either way. Minhyuk had told him as much, in the early days of their relationship.

            “So think about it, please. Be honest with yourself,” Minhyuk’s father urged. “Wouldn’t it be better for Minhyuk if you two stopped seeing each other?” Hakyeon drew in a sharp breath despite his sense that those words were coming. He’d begun to have those thoughts himself, but to hear them said out loud somehow confirmed something Hakyeon had been afraid to entertain.

            “Our society isn’t ready to accept you two,” Minhyuk’s father continued. “I wish it was otherwise, but it isn’t, and you two being celebrities only makes it worse. Minhyuk is in danger every second he stays with you. He wouldn’t be in that danger if he was with a woman. You and I both know that.” Hakyeon thought he might be trembling now, and he bit his lip to try to force himself to go still. He couldn’t break down into a shaking mess in front of Minhyuk’s father. But what he was saying resonated too deeply with the guilt that had made Hakyeon sick since he first heard about the attack. It hit too close to the fear Hakyeon had felt quietly growing in the shadows of his mind, the fear that he was hurting Minhyuk even worse than those men had, simply by staying by his side.

            If Minhyuk’s father had thought it too…did that mean it was true?

            “Minhyuk doesn’t want to break up,” Hakyeon said softly, trying to convince himself as much as the man in front of him.

            “I know he doesn’t. That boy has been stubborn since he was born, and once he’s got his heart set on something, there’s nothing anyone can do to make him let it go. But I need you to change that.” Hakyeon finally looked up, blinking to quell the sting in his eyes. Minhyuk’s father’s face was grim, a strange mix of guilt and determination. “You only need one person to end a relationship. I know you love my son, Hakyeon-ah. I saw it in that room just now, I saw it in those damn pictures, and I hear it in Minhyuk’s voice every time he speaks of you. I know you love him, and he loves you too. But for the sake of that love…you need to let him go.”

            Hakyeon swayed a little on his feet, and he had to put a hand to the wall to hold himself up. He couldn’t just “let Minhyuk go.” His father didn’t know what he was asking. The thought of Minhyuk’s face at Hakyeon breaking up with him made Hakyeon want to curl up in a corner and never leave. The thought of spending the rest of his life watching Minhyuk from a distance, knowing he’d ended the best relationship he’d ever known himself made Hakyeon want to close his eyes and never open them again. He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t do what Minhyuk’s father was asking.

But if he didn’t…would he hurt Minhyuk even more?

            Minhyuk’s father could see the internal conflict on Hakyeon’s face, the breakdown simmering beneath his skin as he fought to stand steady on his feet. He put a hand on Hakyeon’s shoulder, his voice soft and deceptively gentle. “Think about what I said. Do what you know is best for the person you love.” And with that he turned, walking away down the hall. It was a long time before Hakyeon moved.

 


	11. Coil

             Hakyeon stepped out of the car and closed the door rougher than usual. He heard Leo curse and turned to look up at the Jellyfish building. Hakyeon sighed wearily.

            “Are you fucking kidding me?” Ravi muttered.

            “Don’t these people have lives?” Ken agreed in genuine disbelief. “It’s been months now!”

            “Forget the assholes, where are the damn police?” Hyuk growled. Hakyeon just shook his head and started walking toward the building. The members followed, glancing once or twice at their leader. The giant banner on the front of Jellyfish’s building, the one with the group shot of VIXX, had been desecrated for what felt like the 50th time. It seemed to happen at least once a week, and it had been going on for months. Hakyeon had apologized to their CEO many times and told the man he should just stop putting up the banners, or at least put up one without Hakyeon on it. But VIXX had had a fit at that, saying they refused to take a group shot without their leader; and their CEO had insisted on keeping a picture of VIXX displayed to show people the group wasn’t going anywhere. So, he continued to have a new banner made each time the old one was desecrated. It had to be getting expensive.

            Every member of VIXX, their CEO, and multiple staff members had complained to the police, wanting to know why no one had ever been caught for vandalism in the months since it started. The police made weak excuses that left no one fooled. The simple truth was, they weren’t trying to catch the criminals, because they either agreed with their actions or didn’t care.

            Hakyeon was at least relived that this time, all they’d done was spray paint abstract black markings over his face. It had been a lot worse in the past—homophobic slurs of all kinds, lewd drawings aimed at making Hakyeon look like a male prostitute who catered to other men, and insults directed at all the members instead of just Hakyeon. Hakyeon’s chest ached with a familiar disappointment at the site of the new banner ruined, but at least it was a mild insult compared to the others. At least this one hadn’t generated a swarm of news reporters hoping to capitalize on the drama. There was hardly anyone outside the building today.

            The members followed their leader inside. Hakyeon went straight to the practice room, hardly acknowledging the staff members who dipped their heads at him as he passed. He knew he was being a little rude, but Hakyeon was just so damn tired today and he didn’t have the heart to really care.

            “Let’s go,” he said shortly, as soon as the members had put down their things in the practice room. He started some music, and he gave the members less time than usual to stretch before pushing right into a grueling practice, one that took them through every song they might possibly perform in the coming days multiple times, drilling the members until they were dripping with sweat and swaying on their feet. Hakyeon caught every tiny mistake, and he barked orders at the members to switch their feet, fix the position of their hands, turn this way and not that. They were used to seeing his strict side during practice, but he was full drill sergeant today and the members were starting to flinch like it hurt whenever he corrected them.

            “Hyung…please,” Ken gasped eventually. “Can we please have a break?”

            “We’ve been going nonstop for hours, Hakyeonie,” Leo agreed. “We need to rest.” Hakyeon stopped mid-movement. He looked at the members sharply, surveying each face. He was annoyed at first, ready to snap at them all for the tenth time that morning. But then Hakyeon noticed his members’ expressions were drawn, and they were so tired they almost looked sick. Hakyeon felt a pang of guilt calm the blood rushing in his ears. He’d been pushing too hard.

            “…Okay,” he agreed, his throat a little raw from breathing hard for minutes on end. “Practice is over. Go get lunch.” The members slumped with relief, several voicing their gratitude.

            “Aren’t you coming with us?” Ravi asked when they’d all gathered their things. Hakyeon was still standing by the mirror, his bag on the floor in the corner.

            “There are a couple moves that are bothering me,” Hakyeon explained. “I want to stay back and work on them.”

            “Hyung, are you sure that’s a good idea?” Hyuk asked tentatively. “You’ve been working harder than any of us, I think you should take a break.”

            “I’m fine,” Hakyeon insisted. “I’m not hungry anyway, I’d rather stay back and practice. You guys just go ahead, alright?” The members looked at each other, holding back resigned sighs. There was no forcing Hakyeon when he was like this. He simply wasn’t going to come.

            “Alright. We’ll save you some food,” Ravi agreed. He nodded to the members, and they all followed reluctantly out the door. Hakyeon turned back to the mirror and started the music again. He was as tired as his members, but no way was he going to stop. He gave a growl of frustration as he missed the timing of a move by one beat. Hakyeon grabbed his phone and started the whole song over; he wasn’t going to go easy on himself until he got everything perfect.

Sweat ran down Hakyeon’s face as he danced and dripped into his eyes, but he didn’t mind the sting. Hakyeon wanted to dance until he couldn’t see past the sweat, until he couldn’t breathe and his body gave out. Hakyeon wanted to work until his mind was too exhausted to function, because he’d hardly slept in days and all he wanted was to pass out, to collapse in his bed and enjoy a few hours of the blissful nonexistence that came with deep sleep. The song ended and another began, and still Hakyeon kept practicing. He was still practicing when the members came back from lunch, and his clothes were soaked through when they dragged him from the practice room and poured cold water on his face to cool him down.

 

 

That night Hakyeon went to see Minhyuk, as he had every night since the attack. Minhyuk had been released from the hospital the day after the incident, and by now he was almost ready to return to work. His bruises and scrapes had nearly faded, his rib was healing well, and he was back to his bright, smiling self—at least on the surface.

And even though it had been weeks, Hakyeon refused to go a day without seeing him, though it was becoming increasingly hard for either of them to make the time. Hakyeon had thought about Minhyuk’s father’s advice every day since he heard it. He thought he’d decided to ignore it, to do what he and Minhyuk both wanted and stay together. But still a small part of Hakyeon wondered if he was insisting on seeing Minhyuk so much because he knew that sometime soon, he wouldn’t be able to. It was like Hakyeon was trying to soak up all the time with Minhyuk he could before it was too late, though Hakyeon didn’t know what that “too late” meant. He didn’t want to break up; he wasn’t planning to break up. Yet there was something nagging at the back of his mind that caused a constant coil of anxiety in his gut, and Hakyeon only wished he knew what it was.

Minhyuk opened the door of BTOB’s dorm, his eyes lighting up the way they did whenever they fell on Hakyeon. But they became instantly crinkled with worry when Minhyuk took in the state of his partner. “Hakyeon! What happened to you? You look half dead.”

“Hm?” Hakyeon asked, stepping over the threshold and removing his shoes. “What do you mean?”

“I mean you look like a sleep deprived zombie,” Minhyuk insisted. “Are you okay?”

“Oh, I’m fine,” Hakyeon murmured, clearly distracted as he reached up to turn Minhyuk’s face back and forth, checking the state of his bruises as he did every day. Minhyuk gave an impatient little huff, but allowed Hakyeon to do his exam.

“How do they look?”

“Better,” Hakyeon replied with a tired smile. “You can hardly see them now. Your scrapes are almost gone too.”

“Good,” Minhyuk said. He made a grand gesture towards his own face. “It’s a good thing those bastards couldn’t ruin this. Cause, you know, I _am_ the visual of the group.”

“As if I don’t know,” Hakyeon replied with a wink. Minhyuk chuckled and gave him a playful push. Hakyeon allowed himself to stumble a little before pushing Minhyuk back while they walked to his room. Playing with Minhyuk like this usually felt so natural, but today even such a simple interaction made the coil in Hakyeon’s belly tighten.

But he ignored it as Minhyuk pulled him into the room and shut the door, pressing Hakyeon up against it. His eyes gleamed. “You know, my rib hasn’t been bothering me at all lately, and the members are out, so…” He pressed into Hakyeon, and Hakyeon could feel Minhyuk’s meaning through his pants. “Want to?”

Hakyeon smirked and brought his lips to Minhyuk’s, figuring that was a good enough answer. Minhyuk smiled and immediately began undoing the buttons on Hakyeon’s shirt. Hakyeon slid the garment from his body as soon as he could and tugged Minhyuk’s sweater over his head. “We have to be quick,” Minhyuk murmured as he pressed his bare chest to Hakyeon’s. “They could be back in like, half an hour.”

“We’ll make it work,” Hakyeon replied, already undoing Minhyuk’s belt. It was less than a minute before they’d stripped each other completely naked. Minhyuk dragged Hakyeon to the bed and playfully tossed him onto it. Hakyeon laughed as he bounced on the mattress, Minhyuk’s eyes tracing him with admiration. He took the lube from his drawer and tossed it to Hakyeon.

Hakyeon caught it and immediately began to prep himself, popping the bottle open and coating his own fingers in slippery fluid. Minhyuk bit his lip, making a sound like a mewling kitten while he looked on. Hakyeon hadn’t been as aroused as Minhyuk at first, but his wet fingers circling inside him were enough to get him there. As soon as Hakyeon was ready he reached out and grabbed Minhyuk by the wrist, tugging him onto the bed. Minhyuk straddled Hakyeon and began to kiss him, messy and passionate. Already aching for friction, Hakyeon bucked up. He rolled his hips, grinding against Minhyuk’s thigh while he poured more lube into his hand.

Hakyeon wrapped his slick fingers around Minhyuk and began to glide them up and down, prepping him as well. Minhyuk moaned softly, rocking into the touch. Hakyeon continued to kiss him, allowing Minhyuk to slide in and out of his grip for a long few moments. Finally, Minhyuk pulled back, knowing he had to stop now if he didn’t want to finish early. Hakyeon opened his eyes as Minhyuk pulled back from their kiss. His own eyes were heady and warm, and he was gazing down at his partner with such affection. Minhyuk put his hands on Hakyeon’s hips, ready to lift them up and slide inside him. But just before he could, Hakyeon stopped him.

“Wait.” Something about the look in Minhyuk’s eyes had made the coil in Hakyeon’s stomach—the one he’d nearly forgotten about—tighten again. It was too sweet, the way Minhyuk was looking at him; it was too intimate, and something about it made his father’s words echo again in Hakyeon’s mind. Minhyuk was looking at Hakyeon like he was the world, and there was wonder behind Minhyuk’s desire, a wonder that he was able to hold the world in his own two hands like this. Ordinarily such a look would’ve made Hakyeon burn bright with longing and love. But today, it also doused a little bit of that fire with guilt. Hakyeon couldn’t do this with Minhyuk looking at him like that.

Hakyeon sat up and turned over, positioning himself on his hands and knees. “Like this,” he said, looking over his shoulder. Minhyuk looked faintly surprised.

“Oh. Okay. Are you sure?” Hakyeon knew why Minhyuk was thrown off. He usually preferred to do it facing Minhyuk, because Hakyeon liked to see his partner’s face and eyes. It wasn’t that they never did it like this, they did, but it was usually with a different atmosphere. This position was typically reserved for the impromptu, throw-the-other-one-on-the-bed-and-rip-off-his-clothes sessions. And while they’d had some of that tonight, Hakyeon knew the atmosphere was unusually intimate for him to pick this position.

“You can get deeper like this—it’ll feel better for both of us. You said this had to be quick, right?” Minhyuk hesitated for a breath, and Hakyeon could swear there was a tinge of disappointment in his eyes. He’d wanted to look at Hakyeon too.

But then Minhyuk shook himself and smiled. “You’re right, we’ve got to be quick. Okay.” Minhyuk rose to his knees to reposition himself, and Hakyeon bit his lip in anticipation when he put his hands on him. “Whatever you want,” Minhyuk murmured, the words coming out a purr. And then Hakyeon arched his neck, purring himself when Minhyuk slowly pushed inside him.

Hakyeon pressed into him as Minhyuk began to move immediately, sliding in and out at a gentle but gradually increasing pace. Hakyeon rocked back against him with each thrust, already panting as he gripped the sheets to keep himself in place. Minhyuk wasted no time, giving them only a brief warm up before finding the perfect pressure point on his prostate and hitting it hard. Hakyeon shuddered, moaning loudly as warm pleasure shot through him, leaving him tingling from its intensity. Minhyuk did it again, and Hakyeon arched, titling his head back.

“Minhyuk _, please,”_ he moaned, not knowing if he was begging his partner to do it again or ease off. The sensation was so intense he couldn’t tell which he wanted more. Minhyuk decided it was the former, though he moved a little gentler this time, and somehow that felt even better. Hakyeon pressed his face into the pillow, and the sounds slipping from his throat became muffled.

Minhyuk rubbed Hakyeon’s thighs, moaning himself when he felt the supple firmness beneath his fingers. Minhyuk liked to voice his own enjoyment now and then, but Hakyeon almost always made more noise, and Minhyuk liked it that way. He closed his eyes, savoring the whines of pleasure and the cute little gasps and the way Hakyeon’s body moved so in tune with his. Minhyuk had been a little worried at Hakyeon’s sudden change of position. It reminded him too much of the way Hakyeon had acted months ago, when he could hardly look at Minhyuk. He hadn’t wanted to look now, either.

But Minhyuk was probably overreacting. Maybe Hakyeon had just been feeling particularly worked up today and wanted something hard and fast, like this. Minhyuk couldn’t blame him for that—it was nice to do it like this too sometimes. Minhyuk decided firmly then that it was nothing. The way Hakyeon was moaning right now clearly indicated that he felt amazing. That had to be the only reason he’d wanted this position.

Minhyuk sighed with a combination of pleasure and relief. There was nothing wrong. He should just enjoy this, because even though he wasn’t moaning half as much, he felt just as good. Minhyuk snapped his hips with a little more force, hitting that spot again and drawing a muffled cry from a very pleasured-looking Hakyeon.

Minhyuk put his fingers in his mouth to moisten them and then slid them low, down and around Hakyeon’s hips. He gripped his length, gentle but firm, and began to stroke him in time with his thrusts. Hakyeon shivered, biting the pillow while he rocked even harder into Minhyuk. Though he wanted to savor this more, Minhyuk couldn’t help himself as he began to move faster. Hakyeon was radiating pleasure right now, and it just made Minhyuk so crazy he could hardly see through the haze of desire that fogged his vision, making everything but Hakyeon fade away. Hakyeon’s golden skin almost seemed to glow in the dim lighting, and Minhyuk ran his free hand over its soft, smooth surface, relishing the sweat that slicked his palm.

“Hakyeon…” Minhyuk moaned his name, losing himself as he felt a familiar pressure building. Hakyeon’s fingers twisted in the sheets, his breathing picked up, and he didn’t have to say anything for Minhyuk to know what meant. Hakyeon bit down on the pillow. A loud, wordless moan filled the room, ringing in Minhyuk’s ears like a lovely brass bell. He felt warm fluid coat his hand, spilling over his fingers. Minhyuk shuddered, Hakyeon’s release more than enough to send him over the edge. He breathed Hakyeon’s name again, ecstasy overwhelming every other sensation. Hakyeon gave another soft moan as he felt Minhyuk fill him with warmth. They moved together for a few more breaths before finally going still.

They stayed where they were for a long moment, soft panting the only sound in the room as they slowly came down. Hakyeon laid his face on the side of the pillow and gave a sigh of contentment. Feeling pleased, Minhyuk slid out, allowing Hakyeon to immediately collapse on the sheets in a puddle of post-coital bliss. Minhyuk wiped his hand clean with a tissue and then laid down beside Hakyeon, sliding his arms through his partner’s. He hooked a leg over Hakyeon too, snuggling against him. Hakyeon had a soft smile on his lips, his eyes closed. He looked peaceful enough to be sleeping, and Minhyuk decided not to speak, content to lie there and card his fingers through the silk of Hakyeon’s hair.

Minhyuk figured they’d probably been lying there for about ten minutes when they heard the front door of the apartment open. The quiet peace was shattered instantly as the dorm filled with several loud voices all talking at once, followed by burst of raucous laughter. Hakyeon sighed and opened his eyes, and Minhyuk chuckled at the disappointment he saw there.

“We knew it couldn’t stay quiet forever, right?” he whispered.

“I know,” Hakyeon agreed. He’d spent more than enough time with BTOB to know, their dorm was only quiet when nearly every person was sleeping. Minhyuk nuzzled Hakyeon, smiling fondly. But then the sweat on Hakyeon’s face reminded Minhyuk of something he’d wanted to discuss all day. Now that the sleepy atmosphere was broken, he figured it was a good time to ask.

“You know, Taekwoon told me something today,” Minhyuk began, making sure to stroke his hand soothingly down Hakyeon’s back. Hakyeon gave a questioning hum. “About practice?” Minhyuk prompted. Understanding lit Hakyeon’s gaze.

“Oh,” he murmured. He dropped his eyes for a moment, and Minhyuk kissed his forehead.

“He told me you almost gave yourself heatstroke by practicing too much,” he continued. “I know you like to work hard, Hakyeonie, but that’s pushing it even for you.” He brushed Hakyeon’s hair off his forehead, and looked at him intently. “Do you want to tell me what happened?” Hakyeon gave a small shrug.

“I just want to do well this comeback. I feel like there’s a lot more riding on it than ever before. I have a lot to prove now.”

“I understand,” Minhyuk murmured. “I feel the same. But all the fans who support you right now, they’re gonna support you through this comeback. You have a lot of loyal Starlights, Hakyeonie, and they’d give anything to prop you up if you need it. Try not to forget that, okay?” Hakyeon nodded, holding Minhyuk’s gaze. He and Minhyuk both knew there would be public protests outside of the music shows, and Hakyeon was genuinely afraid of getting booed off the stage when VIXX tried to perform. But all he could do was hope, and have faith that the fans who got in to see the stages were the ones who’d stuck around out of love and loyalty, rather than hate.

Minhyuk leaned in close and kissed Hakyeon, gentle and reassuring. He took his time tracing Hakyeon’s lips before coaxing his partner into opening his mouth. Hakyeon sighed longingly, gripping Minhyuk’s hair and pulling him closer. Between his overwhelming practice session this morning and the exhausting but wonderful thing he’d just done with Minhyuk, Hakyeon thought he might actually be able to sleep tonight. He felt a rush of love and gratitude towards Minhyuk for helping him, for soothing him and giving him the means to sleep through the night.

They kissed for a long time, and they were just starting to transition from lazy and sweet to passionate again when the door flew open. “Hyung, we need your—“ Sungjae stopped short in the doorway, gaping at what he saw. Hakyeon yelped and sat up like he’d been struck by lightning. He groped at the sheets and tried to cover himself while Minhyuk grabbed a pillow and threw it.

“I said knock, you brats!” he yelled, hitting Sungjae square in the face with the pillow. Changsub peeked around, grinning like a fool.

“What, what is it?” he asked. His eyes went wide. “Oh! OHHH!” He yelled like an excited frat boy.

“Why the hell don’t you have locks on these doors?!” Hakyeon cried, covering his bright red face with his hands. Sungjae burst into laughter, the pillow having fallen at his feet. He gave a mock gasp.

“A scandal! Wait till the tabloids get a picture of _this!”_ Minhyuk crawled over Hakyeon and grabbed his clock off the bedside table, looking more than ready to throw it. Sungjae yelped and slammed the door. Hakyeon and Minhyuk could hear as he proceeded to run through the apartment, waving his hands in the air and making some high-pitched noise that sounded like a cross between an owl hooting and a police siren. Changsub was still yelling “OHHH!” like he’d just won a rap battle. Minhyuk groaned, putting his face in his hands.

“Those kids will never be adults,” he complained.

“Remember when I tried to tell you guys to get locks?” Hakyeon grumbled from behind his hands. “Like, three times?”

“I wouldn’t need locks if my members KNOCKED LIKE POLITE HUMAN BEINGS!” Minhyuk raised his voice on the last words, shouting so that the rest of the dorm would hear. He was met only with laughter. Minhyuk sighed heavily while Hakyeon scrubbed his hands over his face.

“I guess it’s time to go home,” Hakyeon muttered. Minhyuk patted him in apology.

“If that’s what you prefer. They _are_ gonna be riled up about this for hours. Want me to walk you to the door?”

“I guess,” Hakyeon agreed with a sigh. Normally he would’ve liked to stay and cuddle with Minhyuk a while more, but the atmosphere had lost all its peace, and it wasn’t going to get it back tonight. Hakyeon and Minhyuk crawled out of bed, cleaned themselves up, and got dressed. They heard a burst of laughter from the living room, loud enough to indicate that Sungjae and Changsub had told the rest of the members what they saw.

“You knew they were going to,” Minhyuk said in defense when Hakyeon gave him a pointed look. He approached Hakyeon and took his face in his hands, pinching his cheeks so Hakyeon looked like an annoyed chipmunk. A very cute annoyed chipmunk. “I really am sorry, baby,” Minhyuk cooed. “I promise I’ll buy a door lock tomorrow. Okay? Promise.” Hakyeon sighed, fondness softening his expression.

“It’s okay. At least they’re laughing about it instead of getting upset.”

“Of course. We’ve always got their support.” Hakyeon leaned forward and kissed him.

“I’m glad,” he replied softly. Minhyuk smiled, taking a moment to fix Hakyeon’s hair for him. Then he took his hand. “Ready?” he asked. Hakyeon took a deep breath and nodded. Minhyuk opened the bedroom door.

They’d waited a few minutes, hoping the living room might’ve cleared out. To their dismay, every member was still gathered, and they hooted as Hakyeon and Minhyuk walked past, Hakyeon’s head bowed in embarrassment. Minhyuk grumbled something else about the members acting like high school idiots. He led Hakyeon out the door and closed it so they were standing in the hallway.

“Get some good rest tonight, okay?” Minhyuk insisted, brushing Hakyeon’s bangs out of his eyes. His cheeks were still bright red, and Minhyuk couldn’t help thinking how adorable it was as he kissed each one, and then the tip of Hakyeon’s nose.

“I will,” Hakyeon promised. He took Minhyuk’s hands and gave him a brief, sweet kiss on the lips. “You sleep well too, okay?”

“Okay,” Minhyuk agreed, his expression warm as he gazed at his partner. “Goodnight. I love you.”

“I love you too.” One more kiss, a little longer than the last, and then Hakyeon forced himself to pull away. “Goodnight.” He turned, ready to walk away as Minhyuk opened the door.

Light from the apartment flooded the hallway, and Hakyeon heard Sungjae yell, “Hakyeon-hyung, you have a beautiful ass!”

“Dammit, Sungjae, I _will_ hurt you!” Minhyuk threatened. His voice was cut off as he rushed back inside and slammed the door. Hakyeon chuckled to himself, fanning his warm face. He started walking, and it took him a while to notice that he was gradually starting to feel sick.

Only by the time he had stepped out of the building did Hakyeon become conscious again of the anxious coil in his stomach. He hadn’t felt it in a while. Somehow, being with Minhyuk this time had chased it away, and it hadn’t even come back when the BTOB members got involved, despite Hakyeon’s overwhelming embarrassment. Maybe it was because they were supportive of him and Minhyuk; and VIXX was supportive too, and Minhyuk was so unwavering in everything that involved him and Hakyeon…

Hakyeon still didn’t know what to do about the knot in his stomach, and about what it seemed to be telling him to do. But maybe, if he had his friends and Minhyuk around him, maybe he could just ignore it. Maybe it would go away. Yes, that was it. That was all he could do. Hakyeon just had to ignore it until it went away.

Hakyeon rolled his shoulders, groaning at the stiffness in his neck. He hoped ignoring it worked quickly. They had a comeback next week, and Hakyeon didn’t want to be distracted. He already knew this comeback would be the most difficult thing VIXX had ever done as a group, and knowing it was because of him didn’t make it any easier. Hakyeon closed his eyes, hugging himself while he waited for the car he’d called to come pick him up. He tried to remember the feeling of Minhyuk’s arms around him only minutes ago. And though it did nothing to calm his stomach, the memory at least warmed him enough to keep him from shivering in the cold night air.


	12. Comeback

 

            “Hakyeon-oppa! How could you do this to us?”

            “You traitor! You lied to us!”

            “You’re disgusting! How dare you trick me into supporting you all these years? You pervert!”

            “Homo!”

            “You’re going to hell, and you deserve it!” Hakyeon kept his head bowed, trying to shut out hundreds of screams from angry former fans as VIXX, their manager, and their bodyguards pushed their way through the crowd outside the SBS building. Hakyeon glanced up briefly and noticed one of the fans holding a sign. It had the picture of him and Minhyuk in bed on it, blown up and photoshopped to make Hakyeon look like a girl, complete with long hair and makeup. It read: “N the receiver. Join a girl group where you belong!”

            Wait, how did they know Hakyeon was bottom with Minhyuk? They weren’t having sex in that picture…for a moment Hakyeon was panicked, thinking something else had been leaked. But then he remembered that he and Minhyuk had never made a sex tape, he’d never made a sex tape with anyone, and if he had surely the girl would’ve put it on her sign. No, that was just a guess, something the girl had used to try to insult him because for some reason these people thought liking that position made him female, and for some reason that was offensive. Hakyeon dropped his eyes again.

            “Hakyeon-ssi!” One of the several reporters trying to get past his protection had broken through, shoving a mic in his face. “I saw you look at that fan’s sign. How does it make you feel? Is it true you’re bottom?” Hakyeon pressed his lips together, swallowing a biting reply as his bodyguard pushed the reporter away.

            “Yeah, don’t you think he’s walking funny?” an obnoxious girl in the front row yelled. “Did you take a pounding last night, Hakyeon-ah? Was Minhyuk a little too rough with you?” Several of the crowd members laughed while Hakyeon clenched his teeth. He wasn’t walking any differently than he always did, he had no reason to be “walking funny,” and yet now he felt unbearably self-conscious of the way he put one foot in front of the other. Dammit, now he couldn’t even walk without worrying about how it looked. Knowing snapping at any person in the crowd would only make things worse was the only way Hakyeon managed to keep his mouth shut.

            He felt a hand on his wrist, and glanced up to see Ken giving him an encouraging smile. “It’s okay,” he mouthed, squeezing tight.

            “We’re right here with you,” Hongbin agreed, speaking quietly in Hakyeon’s ear. “Raise your head, hyung.” Hakyeon took a deep breath, and did as his members insisted. He raised his chin so he was starting levelly ahead of him. He focused his gaze on the back of his bodyguard’s head and looked nowhere else. Ken made an approving sound, squeezing again to give Hakyeon the strength to keep his eyes off the ground. They walked together like that until they’d finally pushed their way through the thick crowd, escaping into the safety of the SBS building.

            Immediately every person breathed a sigh of relief, and Hakyeon’s members moved in to hug him. “You did it,” Ravi murmured, patting him on the back.

            “The worst is behind you now,” Hyuk agreed. “They won’t let people like that in to see the taping.” Hakyeon did his best to smile. The crowd outside the SBS building had been much larger than he’d expected, so large they hadn’t been able to get their car through the street. They’d had to walk right up to the front doors of the building to get inside. Hakyeon was more nervous than ever now for the first taping of their comeback stage.

            It was true, no one was going to let screaming, furious people like those in—only fans were allowed inside. But there could be former fans in that crowd, fans who were smart enough not to make a scene until they got inside and actually saw VIXX on stage. Hakyeon hoped there wouldn’t be very many of those, but that crowd had shaken him up more than he was willing to admit.

            But still Hakyeon simply smiled at Hyuk as though relieved and said, “You’re right. I’m sure it’ll be okay.” Hakyeon hadn’t felt like much of a leader lately; it seemed to him VIXX had been taking care of him far more than they should have to since the pictures were released—Hakyeon was supposed to care for them, not the other way around. He couldn’t show his nerves in front of the members today. He needed to be strong so no one could question whether or not he really belonged in VIXX. And that meant smiling and walking with confidence and acting like nothing had changed. Now that they were past the crowd, Hakyeon thought he could manage that much.

            VIXX and their entourage followed a staff member through the building to their waiting room. They were sharing the space with other artists, as usual. When VIXX entered a few stood to greet them, offering the same polite bows they would give to anyone else, though Hakyeon noticed their eyes lingered on him longer than they typically did. It seemed most of the younger artists still felt compelled to acknowledge Hakyeon, but several of the older ones ignored him completely, acting far too oblivious to be accidental.

            Hakyeon tried not to let it bother him. He’d expected this to happen, just like he’d expected the whispers several groups spoke behind their hands and the furtive glances that made it obvious who they were talking about. VIXX held their heads particularly high as they walked with their leader and sat down beside him. Ordinarily the members would scatter while they had time, talking with people from other groups or finding a corner to nap in. But this time they stayed together, and Hakyeon felt a small well of pride at the way they looked. Dressed in the same outfit and sitting side by side, they were a complete unit, and the simple action of his members choosing to stay by him helped ease some of Hakyeon’s worry.

            To Hakyeon’s surprise, a few artists even came up to him to tell him how brave they thought he was for coming on the show. Some girls from a new group seemed entirely too excited to speak to him, giggling with each other and blushing. Hakyeon suspected they’d enjoyed the leaked pictures a little too much, and that wasn’t exactly what he was hoping for either; but at least they were happy to have him there.

            Suddenly there was a commotion by the door as another group came in, having just finished their taping. Hakyeon realized it was Apink, and Eunji’s eyes lit up when they fell on him. She hurried over to where VIXX was sitting. Without pause, she leaned down with her arms open and wrapped them around Hakyeon.

            “Eunji,” Hakyeon said, a little startled. Several artists were looking on, some with surprise. Eunji pulled back and gave him a warm smile.

            “I’m glad to see you here,” she said. “I was afraid that crowd outside wouldn’t let you in.”

            “Oh. Well…” Hakyeon shrugged like it was no big deal. “We managed.” Eunji looked him up and down intently, her expression hard to read.

            “And how have you been managing?” she asked, lowering her voice so the nosy artists listening in couldn’t hear. “I’ve seen everything in all the news and the tabloids…I know it must be hard.”

For some reason, those words hit Hakyeon strongly _. “It must be hard.”_ No one had said that to him yet, Hakyeon realized. He was surrounded by a lot of people who’d been nothing but sympathetic and supportive, he wasn’t denying that at all. But for some reason that phrase made something twist inside him, and he couldn’t seem to give Eunji a reply. He just stared at her, his lips parted a little like he was going to speak, though no words came out. ‘It must be hard,’ she’d said. And it was, it was harder than Hakyeon had even realized until that moment. He’d brushed off the affect the crowd outside had on him before, but those words seemed to bring it back, and they left Hakyeon speechless. That familiar coil in his stomach gave another stress-induced squeeze, forcing him to swallow down the nausea.

            Ravi put an arm around Hakyeon when he didn’t respond. Eunji was starting to look particularly worried. “It’s been very hard,” Ravi told her softly. Eunji’s expression saddened.

            “I figured as much.” She reached forward and put a hand over Hakyeon’s. “I’m sorry, Hakyeon. Let me know if there’s anything I can do. I mean it.” Hakyeon nodded, forcing himself to find his voice.

            “Thank you.” Eunji managed another smile, but before she could say anything more a staff member poked her head through the door and yelled for VIXX. It was time to go on stage. Eunji held up her fist while they stood.

“Fighting!” she cheered. Hakyeon smiled back, a pang of regret hitting him as he realized VIXX’s comeback stage was the same day as Apink’s farewell one. Their promotions were over for the time being. Hakyeon wished they could’ve run into each other at music shows at least a little more. Having a friendly face like Eunji’s in the waiting room would’ve made things easier.

But oh well. Hakyeon shook himself, straightening his shoulders as he walked. He was about to go on stage, and that meant he wasn’t Hakyeon right now. He couldn’t be anxious, he couldn’t be uncertain. The moment he saw that crowd, he was N. N didn’t get nervous, and he didn’t lack confidence. He was a leader and he acted like one.

 _You’re still N,_ Hakyeon told himself. He took a deep breath to steady himself, clenched his fists, and walked out onto the stage. Immediately, the crowd of waiting Starlights erupted in cheers. _Cheers_ , not screams of anger or hate. The other VIXX members followed, grinning brightly at the support. Hakyeon could swear their Starlights were cheering even louder than usual.

They were so loud, in fact, that it took Hakyeon a moment to notice that there were, in fact, some boos. A whole row of girls near the front seemed to be yelling profane things and making negative gestures. But Hakyeon just looked at them once and then turned, making it obvious he planned to ignore them completely.

To his secret relief, he didn’t have to ignore them for long. The cheering Starlights noticed the angry ones before he did, and they immediately began making a fuss, telling them to be supportive or leave. Eventually it got heated enough that the staff intervened, and VIXX watched in silence as an SBS staff member told the entire crowd that any negative cheering would result in removal from the audience. The majority of Starlights voiced their approval at that, and Hakyeon’s members thanked them for it.

To Hakyeon’s surprise and immense relief, the rest of the taping went by much as it always had. The remaining Starlights cheered and interacted with the members normally between takes. Hakyeon even noticed a few signs in the crowd that made him tear up, signs that said things like, “Still our leader” and “Stay strong, Cha Hakyeon,” and even one that had Hakyeon’s signature stick figure drawing of him and a Starlight, with the word “Forever” and a heart drawn beneath it.

Hakyeon was fighting not to cry by the end of the taping, and for once the sting of tears felt good. He smiled at the end and bowed deeply, voicing his gratitude with more meaning than he thought he ever had. The Starlights cheered in response, and Hakyeon left the stage with a genuine smile on his face.

“That was amazing!” Ken gushed as they made their way back to the waiting room. “Hyung, did you see that sign on the right near the back?” Hakyeon nodded.

“I saw them all.”

“See, hyungie?” Hyuk asked. “We told you they’d support you.”

“Yeah! We might even get first next week!” Ken added then. Hakyeon wasn’t so sure about that, but winning didn’t matter to him anymore. The simple affirmation of his Starlights’ love and support was all he needed, and it carried him through the rest of the day.

 

The next day an even bigger crowd had gathered outside the MBC building, but VIXX pushed their way through. This time, Hakyeon didn’t need Ken’s hand on his arm to keep his head up. He was sure now that the music stage would go fine, and that thought gave him strength.

To the members’ dismay, though, the stage didn’t go nearly as well as the first. Somehow more anti-fans had gotten in than before, and they raised hell in the audience. Hakyeon couldn’t help flinching at a few of the slurs they threw out while the MBC staff rushed in and attempted to calm them.

VIXX had to delay their taping for almost 45 minutes before the staff finally got things under control. Hakyeon was red-faced with embarrassment and guilt by the end, and the remaining Starlights were too worn out from the drama to cheer as loudly as they usually did. But they did their best, and in the end Hakyeon thought the final shoot turned out alright. He just hoped the people watching wouldn’t notice the hint of strain behind each of the members’ expressions while they performed.

As VIXX descended the stage, Hakyeon noticed a few staff members milling about, looking unusually tired. He walked right up to them and gave an apologetic bow. “I’m terribly sorry about this,” he said meaningfully. “We weren’t expecting such a difficult situation.”

“Well maybe you should’ve been,” a staff member grumbled. “If this happens again we may ask you not to come back, at least not until things have cooled down.” Hakyeon straightened immediately, looking at the man anxiously. Would this situation with the fans—this situation that was only happening because of him—keep every member of VIXX from having the chance to perform?

“I’m sorry,” Hakyeon said again, haltingly. “We’ll do everything we can.” The man gave a tiny nod, hardly acknowledging Hakyeon’s words as he turned away. Hakyeon gave a stressed little sigh, his shoulders slumping. He felt a hand on his back, one that began to gently propel him away from the stage.

“Don’t worry,” Hongbin assured him. “The staff will screen the fans who get in more carefully after this. There’s no way they’ll ban us from the music shows.”

“I don’t even think they can,” Hyuk agreed. Hakyeon could only hope that they were right. He followed his members quickly back to the waiting room. After all this, he needed a nap. Comeback time always meant sleep deprivation, and the added stress was only making all of them even more tired. The minute the members got back they settled into chairs and couches and laid down to sleep. Hakyeon rested his head in his hand, sighing a little as he closed his eyes. Maybe when he woke up this would all seem better. They still had some filming to do, and he knew he needed to rest if he was going to have any chance of looking bright and energetic on camera. Telling himself rest could fix anything, Hakyeon forced himself to relax until he was able to drift off into a light sleep.

  

Hakyeon stirred, blinking tiredly as he looked up at the person who had awoken him. He didn’t recognize the man, and it took a few moments of confused, half-asleep squinting for him to spot the I.D. badge pinned to the man’s shirt, marking him as a staff member. Hakyeon sat up, suppressing his urge to rub his eyes so he wouldn’t ruin his makeup. VIXX still had a variety show to shoot, and he’d been taking a quick nap in the waiting room while he had time. The other members were asleep too, scattered about the room in any spot that was even minutely comfortable.

“Yes?” Hakyeon asked sleepily. Had he overslept and made VIXX late for the taping? But no, the man didn’t have an air of urgency about him. In fact he seemed tense in a way that Hakyeon could almost call nervousness.

“Hakyeon-ssi, there’s someone here to see you. She’s waiting in the lobby.” Hakyeon sat up straighter. She?

“Who is it?”

“I didn’t believe her at first, but she showed me her I.D. and the name seems the same, so…” Hakyeon raised his eyebrows, urging the man to get on with it.

“Who is it?” he asked again. The man almost seemed reluctant to say.

“Well…she says she’s your mother.” Hakyeon’s eyes went wide, all traces of sleep leaving him in an instant. His mother? She was in Seoul, she’d come all the way here to see him? It had been months since Hakyeon had seen her, and despite their rough parting, his chest ached with a sudden desire to see her again. Could she really be waiting in the lobby?

“My…mother?” Hakyeon asked, speaking as if in a daze. “She’s really here?” The staff member nodded.

“Would you like to see her?” Hakyeon barely hesitated a heartbeat. The last time he’d seen his mother she’d told him he was no longer her son. She’d come to Hakyeon’s work place just to yell at him in front of everyone. But Hakyeon didn’t think she would do it again, and certainly not somewhere as public as this MBC recording studio. There had to be another reason she was here. Maybe VIXX’s comeback being all over the news had made her think about Hakyeon too much. Maybe she was regretting what she’d said to him.

Hakyeon stood, and took a quick look at the members. They all seemed to be sleeping, and there was still plenty of time before they needed to be ready for the taping. Hakyeon could do this. He turned to the man, steeling himself.

“Yes. Please, take me to her.” The man smiled in a strange way, though Hakyeon was too nervous and excited about seeing his mother to notice. The man gestured toward the door.

“Follow me.”


	13. Minhyuk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Potentially triggering content in this chapter includes offensive language and some non-con material.

 

Leo sat up carefully, watching as Hakyeon disappeared out the door. Leo had woken up when the staff member came in but had pretended not to notice, wanting try for a few more minutes of sleep. His fatigue left him, though, when he heard the man mention Hakyeon’s mother. Hakyeon had barely hesitated a heartbeat before agreeing to go see her, and Leo was wondering now if he shouldn’t have tried to stop him. After everything they’d been through in the last few days, Hakyeon was in no state to handle another rejection from his mother, if that was why she’d come. It was all so sudden, it seemed strange to Leo that she would show up unannounced, and why here? Why not go to VIXX’s dorm, or to Jellyfish?

Leo turned when a female staff poked her head in. Spotting Leo as the only conscious one in the room, she gestured to him with her hand. Leo stood and walked close to her. “Would you wake up your members?” she asked in a whisper. “There was a mistake in the schedule. We have to get you guys ready for the program earlier than we thought.” Before Leo could reply, the girl’s eyes swept the room and narrowed.

“Where’s Hakyeon-ssi?”

“He uh, he left with another staff member,” Leo admitted. “The man told him Hakyeonie’s mom was waiting for him in the lobby.” The girl’s brows knitted in confusion.

“But I was just in the lobby, and I didn’t see any ahjumma.” Leo’s eyes widened.

“Really? Are you sure?” The girl nodded.

“And even if his mother were here, we wouldn’t just come fetch the artist, that’s not how we do things. We’d bring her to him, if we even allowed her in at all.” Leo felt his heart skip a beat.

“So then…”

  
“Did you happen to see who the staff member was?” the girl asked. “I need to know if they’ve broken protocol.” Was it just a breach of protocol, or was it something more? Leo realized then that even VIXX’s fans didn’t know they were planning to shoot a variety program today. How could Hakyeon’s mother have known where he would be this time of day? How had she known to come here?

Leo turned without answering the girl and immediately began shaking the members awake. “Hakyeonie’s gone, and I think he might’ve followed someone he shouldn’t have,” Leo explained quickly, once everyone was staring at him through bleary eyes.

“What do you mean?” Ken asked in a sleep-heavy voice.

“I mean I think we should go find him,” Leo said. The staff girl seemed alarmed by Leo’s sudden urgency, even more so when he turned and asked her to find a security guard to help them track down Hakyeon. Leo hoped he was overreacting, and that the man who had led Hakyeon away simply hadn’t known any better. But Hakyeon had gotten far too many death threats and disturbingly detailed hate messages in the past months. If even one of the people who’d sent a threat planned to act on it, Leo didn’t want to risk letting anything bad happen to his friend.

“Come on,” Leo said, gesturing for the members to follow him. “We need to go find him.” Understanding Leo’s concern and feeling it themselves, the members followed him out the door.

 

 

            Hakyeon fiddled nervously with the hem of his shirt as he walked. _Mom…_ he’d finally see her again. Hakyeon had never gone so long in his life without speaking to her, and only when he’d heard she was waiting for him had he realized how desperate he was to hear her voice again. It was terrifying and amazing to think that she had come all the way to Seoul for him unannounced. She must be anxious to see him, if she’d come to the MBC station rather than waiting until she could meet him at home. But wait…how had she known where to find him?

            “Excuse me?” Hakyeon asked. The staff member turned his head.

            “Yes?”

            “How did my mother know I was here?” It wasn’t like Hakyeon had been sharing his schedule with her lately.

            “Oh, she said she called someone from your company and they told her where you were.” Hakyeon frowned in confusion. Whose number from Jellyfish did she have, and how would she have proven over the phone that she was his mother?

            “Do you know who she called?” The man gave him an apologetic smile.

            “I’m not sure, sorry. I didn’t ask.”

            “Ah. That’s okay.” Hakyeon supposed he could ask her himself. A second staff member joined the first when they turned a corner. He glanced at the first man but said nothing. Hakyeon wasn’t sure why he was walking beside them, but he didn’t really care. He was too wrapped up in trying to figure out what he’d say to his mother when he saw her. Should he smile? How should he greet her? He wondered if she’d be willing to let Hakyeon hug her.

            Hakyeon turned another corner, blindly following the man in front of him. The second staff member was walking a little behind him, and that was a bit odd. But he was probably just heading in the same direction. Hakyeon was sure it was a coincidence.

            They passed a recording studio and another staff member came out. He began walking beside the first man, the one leading Hakyeon. Hakyeon felt uneasy for a moment—it was uncanny the way these two extra men had appeared. But then the third man started chatting with the first about some program they had to film that afternoon, and Hakyeon relaxed. Of course the man had just wanted to discuss something like that with his co-worker. When had Hakyeon gotten so paranoid?

            But as they continued walking, Hakyeon couldn’t help feeling an uncomfortable flutter in his core. Something about this situation felt wrong, though he couldn’t say exactly what. Eventually he spoke up. “Um, are you sure this is the way to the lobby?” The third man turned, offering an easy smile.

            “Of course! You think we don’t know our own building?” The man gave a light laugh, but Hakyeon felt his own steps beginning to slow. Why had the third man answered him and not the first? The men all stopped when Hakyeon did, looking at him in confusion.

“Is something wrong, Hakyeon-ssi?” Hakyeon glanced around, trying not to show how tense he felt.

            “Actually…I appreciate you leading me, but I’m sure I can find the lobby myself. I think I’ll just…” Hakyeon turned, only to find the second man blocking his way in the narrow hallway.

            “It’s really no trouble,” the first man said. “Please, it’s my job to escort you.” Hakyeon turned around, smiling his most polite smile to hide his certainty that something was very wrong here.

            “Oh, that’s alright. I’m sure you must be very busy. I really am fine on my own. Thank you for leading me this far, but I can do the rest myself.” The men stared at him a moment longer, their smiles twitching at the edges. When Hakyeon moved to leave, those smiles vanished.

            “I guess we’re doing this here,” the third man muttered, his eyes darkening in the space of a heartbeat. Hakyeon had stopped outside a bathroom, and before he could so much as blink the man grabbed him and threw him against the door. Hakyeon slammed into it with enough force that when the second man grabbed the handle and turned it, Hakyeon automatically stumbled inside. The men rushed in before he could get his footing back and shut the door.

            “What the hell are you doing?” Hakyeon snapped as one of them turned the lock on the door. Two of the guys tried to grab him, but he managed to twist out of the grip of the one on his left, and strike the one on his right beneath the chin with his elbow. The man’s head snapped back with a pained cry.

            “You little bitch,” the man in the middle—the third man—snarled. He lunged for Hakyeon, and though Hakyeon managed to fight him off for a moment, with three against one, and all of them being bigger than him, he simply couldn’t hold them off. The two on his right and left managed to grab him and hold him against the bathroom wall. The third man flicked out a long switchblade, and Hakyeon stopped struggling when he saw the sudden gleam of metal glinting far too close to his face. His eyes went wide.

            “What are you doing?” he asked again. The man with the blade smirked. He drew back from Hakyeon and set something up on the counter. Hakyeon realized it was a phone stand, and that the smartphone the man placed in it had its camera open. They were recording this.

            “We’re teaching you a lesson,” the man said then, answering Hakyeon’s question. He moved closer, and Hakyeon went rigid as the man pressed the edge of his blade to Hakyeon’s throat. Hakyeon felt his breathing pick up as his heart raced like a hunted rabbit in his chest. Should he yell for help? Would anyone hear him if he did?

The man on his right, the one who’d led Hakyeon here, chuckled. “Scared?” he asked, his breath uncomfortably hot in Hakyeon’s ear.

“Where’s my mother?” Hakyeon demanded, avoiding the question. The man with the knife shrugged.

“Hell if I know. Probably watching a shitty drama in her house slippers somewhere.” Hakyeon slumped a little, disappointment clear on his face as he closed his eyes. So she wasn’t here—she never had been. That was just a story the men had used to get Hakyeon to follow them. He was surprised at how defeated he felt to realize he wouldn’t get to see her after all. But then, he had more pressing things to worry about. Hakyeon opened his eyes again.

            “So why are you doing this?” he asked, though he figured he already knew.

            “Like we said, we’re teaching you a lesson,” the man with the knife repeated. “People in Korea need to be protected from perverts like you.” He turned his knife back and forth a little, light enough not to leave a mark, but still with enough pressure for Hakyeon to be unbearably conscious of the razor edge against his artery. But despite his fear, Hakyeon felt a flicker of indignant anger burn to life in his chest.

            “This is because I’m gay,” he said—not a question, but a statement.

            “What, you just figured that out?” the man on his left sneered. Hakyeon clenched his teeth, and his hands shook not just with fear, but with rage.

            “Dammit,” he hissed, overwhelmed with a hopeless frustration. “Fucking _dammit!_ What is your problem? We’re not hurting anyone, why can’t you all just leave us alone?!” Hakyeon was practically shouting now, and he jerked in the other men’s grip despite the knife at his throat. He was so damn tired of dealing with all of these horrible, narrow-minded people who thought they had a right to tell Hakyeon who he could love. This was the exact same thing that had happened to Minhyuk. These men were probably planning to beat Hakyeon half to death and then run away like the cowards they were. But he stilled again as the man with the knife gripped him tightly by the hair.

            “Shut up,” he snapped, his face centimeters from Hakyeon’s. Though he was half-tempted to keep talking, Hakyeon was all too aware of the cold steel that could end his life in seconds. So he went silent. He could handle this. Minhyuk had been through this already, he’d endured this pain for Hakyeon. Hakyeon could survive it too—he could get through this for Minhyuk.

            “You really think you’re not hurting anyone?” the man with the knife asked. He seemed to be the leader. “You’re fucking perverts—you hurt our whole society.” Hakyeon narrowed his eyes a little, and the man gave him an almost feral look, his lips curling back from his teeth. “What, you don’t agree? You think you’re not perverted?” Hakyeon flexed his fingers in chagrin, wondering whether or not it would be worth it to talk back.

            The leader smiled then, and his friends chuckled, and Hakyeon felt fear begin to win out over his anger again. He didn’t understand the look on the man’s face right now, and he certainly didn’t like it. Hakyeon didn’t think those men in the alley had looked at Minhyuk like this. The man leaned a little closer.  

“Then I’ll prove it to you,” he whispered. Suddenly his lips were pressed against Hakyeon’s. Hakyeon felt his eyes go wide, and he made a sound of protest; but the man’s friends held him fast, even as the man forced Hakyeon’s lips apart with surprising strength. His tongue snaked its way into Hakyeon’s mouth, hot and wet and revolting.

            Hakyeon jerked against his captors, trying to the knee the man in the groin or the stomach, trying to do something, _anything,_ to get him away. Sensing he might get hit, the man finally pulled back. Hakyeon stared at him, wide eyed and panting for breath. His stomach lurched, and he fought the urge to vomit as the man grinned at him again.

            “You liked that, didn’t you?” he asked, his voice slimier than the thickest pond scum. Hakyeon shuddered as the cold edge of the knife blade lightly scraped his throat.

            “No,” he said, his voice hoarse. Hakyeon really was afraid now, more so than he had been before. He thought he knew how to handle bigots, even violent ones. He’d thought they just wanted to beat him up. But this man had just _kissed_ him, and his friends had gone along with it. They were absolutely crazy, and Hakyeon had no idea how unhinged they might be, or what they might do next.

            “Liar,” the man with knife said. “I saw the way you looked at me just now. Pleasant surprise, right?” Hakyeon wanted to shake his head, but the knife wouldn’t let him.

            “We know you want him,” the man on his right said.

            “You perverts will fuck anything with a dick,” the one on his left added.

            “That’s not true,” Hakyeon protested weakly. He didn’t understand what was happening anymore, and he desperately wanted to get away. He glanced toward the door, seconds from shouting for help regardless of the potential consequences.

            “Oh, you’re not going anywhere,” the man with knife said, following his gaze. “We haven’t taught you anything yet.”

            “We know you wanna fuck us,” the man on Hakyeon’s right said. “So we’re going to give you what you want. We’re _all_ going to give you what you want. And when we’re done you’ll be so fucked out and bloody that you’ll never want to have sex with a man ever again. And there’ll be one less pervert for the people of Korea to worry about.” Hakyeon felt his mouth drop open. What the hell…? He never could’ve imagined this situation, not in his worst nightmare. These men claimed to hate him because he was gay, and yet they were going to rape him? It didn’t make sense.

            _This isn’t happening,_ Hakyeon thought desperately. But then the man with the knife used his free hand to grope at Hakyeon’s belt, and Hakyeon realized that it was.

            “No,” he protested, trying to pull away. “Stop it, please.”

            “Maybe when we’re done we should fuck him with the knife too,” the man on his left suggested. They all laughed. Hakyeon’s knees felt weak.

            “Stop it!” he said, louder, his voice ragged.

“Oh, come on,” the man with knife cooed, almost pouting as he finally unfastened Hakyeon’s belt. “Stop playing so hard to get.” Hakyeon drew in a deep breath, seconds from screaming. But then the man on his left tightened his grip harshly, causing Hakyeon’s attempted shout to come out as a cry of pain.

            “Don’t even think about screaming,” he hissed. “If you do we’ll send our friends after your pretty little boyfriend, and for every time we could’ve fucked you they’ll fuck him twice. Got it?” Hakyeon froze. Minhyuk…they were threatening Minhyuk. It could be a bluff, Hakyeon thought, his mind racing as the man with the knife slid Hakyeon’s belt from its loops. He dropped the strip of leather to the floor.

But what if it wasn’t a bluff…these men were crazy. Maybe they really did have crazier friends. Maybe they really could hurt Minhyuk.

“Bend him over the sink,” the man with the knife said.

            “No, please. Please don’t do this,” Hakyeon begged as the men holding him dragged him roughly to the sinks. They grabbed his hair and forced him painfully into a bent position over the counter. The knife was still at Hakyeon’s throat as the leader snaked his free hand around and began to work at the button of Hakyeon’s jeans.

“Stop!” Hakyeon cried.

            “It’s no good pretending,” the leader said, almost in a singsong voice. “We know you want this. You just don’t realize it yet. You’ll be begging for more once we start.”

            “And begging to die by the end,” the man on his right added. The three all chuckled again. Hakyeon’s vision went momentarily white with panic as he felt the button of his pants pop open.

            _I don’t want this, I don’t want this!_ Hakyeon wanted to scream the words with all his breath; but he’d realized by now that nothing he could say would convince these men to let him go. The leader slipped his hand beneath Hakyeon’s shirt, his cold fingers resting on his bare stomach. Hakyeon couldn’t hold back a shiver, and the man seemed to like it. He slid his fingers down, below the waistband of Hakyeon’s pants, and then his underwear too. Hakyeon made a strangled sound of horror when the man gripped him. All three of them chuckled.

            “Like it?” the leader murmured, stroking a few times with those rough, callused fingers. Hakyeon shook his head no, and it took everything he had not to sob or scream. No, no, this man couldn’t touch him like that, only Minhyuk was allowed to touch him like that, this man needed to let go, go away…Hakyeon squeezed his eyes shut, jerking his arms again in a vain attempt at escape, the action jostling the knife against his throat.

            “Eyes open,” the man on his right commanded. The leader withdrew his fingers and began to tug Hakyeon’s zipper down. “Look, you can even look at yourself in the mirror while we do it. You’re all in love with yourselves, right? So this should turn you on.” His fingers fisted in Hakyeon’s hair, the man roughly tugged Hakyeon’s head up, forcing him to look at himself in the mirror.

            Hakyeon’s face was white, his eyes wide and frightened. The leader still held his knife, and with the way his body was pressed into Hakyeon’s, Hakyeon could tell the man had an erection. He was getting off on this. He was excited to do this to Hakyeon, to hurt another human being like this. Hakyeon couldn’t understand it, and he couldn’t understand how this all had happened. He would have screamed right then if it weren’t for Minhyuk.

            Hakyeon’s breaths were coming fast and panicked as the leader grabbed at the waist of his pants. They’d threatened Minhyuk, but they could have been bluffing. They probably had been bluffing. How many men could they really have in on this? How could their friends know if they’d been successful with Hakyeon or not?

            Hakyeon looked at himself in the mirror, at the terrified face that he hardly recognized as his own, and he realized two things: if Minhyuk really was in danger, Hakyeon couldn’t help him if he allowed these men to do as they pleased. And, even if he _were_ in danger, Minhyuk wouldn’t want Hakyeon to go through this. If he could see what was about to happen to Hakyeon…it would kill him. Minhyuk would want Hakyeon to scream. So he did.

            _“Help!”_ Hakyeon shouted, his voice loud and rough and echoing off the bathroom tiles. For an instant, he was met only with silence. The men went rigid, and Hakyeon could feel the fury coming off them in waves.

“We told you not to do that,” the one on his right hissed. He grabbed Hakyeon by the hair and slammed his head into the counter so hard Hakyeon was left dizzy. He blinked, the world spinning as the leader growled in his ear, “You’ll regret that.” He snapped his hips with such force that Hakyeon’s own hips bumped painfully against the counter, and Hakyeon could feel the revolting pressure pressed harder against him. He was sure now that no one had heard him scream, and it seemed there was no way out of this. Hakyeon stared unseeingly at the counter as the leader reached for his pants again. He tried to think of Minhyuk, and the way his eyes warmed so sweetly when he smiled. Because Hakyeon needed something to distract himself from what was about to happen, and he needed the strength to get through it. Hakyeon squeezed his eyes shut and whispered his partner's name.

The leader was just beginning to slide Hakyeon's pants down when the bathroom door burst open.


	14. Strength

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updated a little faster than usual, so please be sure to read Chapter 13, "Minhyuk," before this one. Thank you!

  Hakyeon and the three men all jumped when the bathroom door flew open so hard it slammed into the wall. The men had locked it, but on the other side stood a security guard who had kicked the door free. With him were another guard and several members of VIXX. The three men were distracted for a brief moment, and Hakyeon didn’t let it go to waste. He kicked his leg up, his heel striking the man with the knife in the groin. The man cried out and dropped his weapon. Hakyeon kicked it away before he could get it back, and then the guards both had Taser guns trained on the men in seconds. The three men backed up against the opposite wall, their hands in the air.

            “Hakyeonie!” Leo gasped. He and the other VIXX members rushed into the bathroom. Hakyeon straightened from his bent position, but he was still shaking as Leo grabbed him securely, pulling him away from the three men. “What happened? Are you okay?”

            “W-where’s Minhyuk?” Hakyeon asked unsteadily. He clung to Leo, too shocked to figure out what had just happened but at least understanding enough to know he was safe with his friend. “Is he okay?”

            “He’s fine, Hakyeonie,” Leo assured him, his face pale and worried as he looked his leader over. “Now what about you? What happened?”

            “Where is he?!” Hakyeon demanded, his voice breaking. “You have to make sure he’s okay!” Leo exchanged a wide-eyed look with the other members.

            “O-okay, Hakyeonie,” Leo said in what he hoped was a placating tone. “We’ll have someone find him, okay?” Hakyeon nodded. He was breathless, and Leo could feel him trembling. He didn’t know what had happened, but it was clear the three men backed up against the wall had done something very terrible to his friend. Leo squeezed Hakyeon protectively. “Come on, let’s get you out of here, okay? The guards have already called the police.” Hakyeon nodded again. Leo looked pointedly at the other members.

            “Stay here until the police arrive,” he ordered. The other members agreed, glaring at the three men who were now both outgunned and outnumbered. Their faces were red with rage, but their wide eyes betrayed fright. Leo was glad to see them scared. "Call Minhyuk," he mouthed at Ken. Ken took out his phone, already dialing the number while Leo held Hakyeon close and led him out of the bathroom.

            “Wait.” Hakyeon stopped them in the hall. His pants were falling down. His hands shook badly as he zipped them up, and he almost couldn’t fasten the button. Leo sucked in a sharp breath when he saw what Hakyeon was doing.

“Hakyeonie…what happened?” he asked again, softly. “What did they do to you?” Hakyeon’s eyes stung with sudden tears, and he was surprised to realize he hadn’t cried yet. He bit his lip, his ears burning with humiliation, and tried his hardest to blink away the tears before they could fall. Leo gave a small, sympathetic huff and began to lead Hakyeon again. He carefully took him down the hall and into a small, quiet room with no one else inside. Leo closed the door so they could speak in private, and then led Hakyeon to a little two-person couch. They sat down together.

“Hakyeonie,” Leo said again, his voice gentle. “…Do you want to tell me what happened?” Hakyeon took a shaky breath. He was trembling in his seat, his hands clenched into fists and blurring in front of him as he struggled to keep the fractures he felt spider webbing through his limbs from shattering him to pieces. He thought he did want to tell Leo what happened; he thought maybe if he did those fractures would feel less painful. But it was so  _humiliating…_ how could he? As if he understood Hakyeon’s thoughts, Leo placed a warm hand on his knee and looked at him earnestly.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. But just know that no matter what those men did to you, it wasn’t your fault. No matter what happened in there, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Okay?” Hakyeon looked at his friend anxiously. Did Leo really mean that? Would he still feel that way if Hakyeon told him what had happened? Leo held Hakyeon’s gaze unflinchingly, his own sincere. Maybe Hakyeon could tell him just a little.

“They…they tried…I mean, they said they were…” Hakyeon couldn’t get the words out. He seemed to be stumbling over his own tongue, and his voice was shaky and weak. Leo took one of Hakyeon’s hands and squeezed it reassuringly.

“Take your time,” he said, as he could see Hakyeon was getting frustrated with himself. “Why don’t you just start at the beginning. Alright?” Hakyeon nodded and took a deep breath.

“They told me they were staff members,” Hakyeon began haltingly. “And that my mother was here and she wanted to see me. I asked how she knew where I was, you know, since we don’t really talk now, but they said she’d called someone from Jellyfish and found out.” Saying it aloud, Hakyeon realized how sketchy it all sounded. “I-I guess I should’ve known it didn't make sense, but I didn’t think Mom would come here just to yell at me again so I thought maybe she’d changed her mind. I thought maybe she wanted to see me, so I just…” He paused, hesitating. Leo looked incredibly sad as he rubbed Hakyeon’s back, wishing with all his heart he could’ve kept Hakyeon from a situation like this, one where his own mother could be used against him so easily.

“…I’m guessing they weren’t really taking you to your mother,” Leo prompted eventually. Hakyeon shook his head.

“No,” muttered. “They weren’t. When we passed that bathroom, I told them I wanted to find her on my own so they grabbed me and pushed me inside. I tried to fight them off, but there were three, and two of them pinned me, and then one had a knife and he pressed it to my throat…” Hakyeon paused for breath. He swallowed hard, the skin on his throat stinging with the memory. Leo brushed Hakyeon’s hair soothingly with his free hand.

“I saw the knife when we found you,” Leo murmured, assuring Hakyeon that he believed his story. “And…you have a cut on your neck.” He traced a finger over the shallow red line on Hakyeon’s throat, and it came away coated in a thin streak of blood. Hakyeon looked at it in surprise. He didn’t know when he’d been cut—he hadn’t even felt it until just now.

“Oh,” he said shakily. Leo squeezed his hand again.

“So what happened then? Why did they do that?” Hakyeon closed his eyes, trying to contain his fury, his embarrassment, his residual fear, and everything else that made it nearly impossible to speak.

“They said it was because I’m gay,” he whispered. “They wanted to “teach me a lesson.”” Hakyeon felt Leo stiffen beside him. He opened his eyes to find his friend’s expression had gone strangely still.

“They what?” Leo asked softly. Despite his quiet words, Hakyeon could feel Leo’s rage simmering beneath his skin like a kettle of boiling water. “They hurt you because of that?” Hakyeon nodded. Leo clenched his teeth, taking a moment to compose himself. “First Minhyuk, now you…” he muttered. Leo closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath.

“So what else did they do?” he asked eventually. “Why were your pants unbuttoned?” Hakyeon flinched, and Leo’s worry intensified. “Hakyeonie, what did they do?”

“They said…” It was so hard to get the words out. Hakyeon took several quick, shaky breaths. He had to look away from Leo when he spoke. “They said they were going to fuck me until I begged them to kill me, so I’d…so I’d never want to be with a man again.” Hakyeon squeezed his eyes shut. He could feel his face burning with humiliation, and it was only made worse by the tears that had escaped down his cheeks. He couldn’t look at Leo.

For a long moment, the only sound in the room was Hakyeon’s unsteady breaths. Leo sat rigid and silent, processing the horrifying information. Finally, he spoke, his throat tight. “Did they…?” Hakyeon shook his head.

“They…they touched me, but…you guys got there before they could do anything else,” he whispered. Hakyeon jumped in surprise as he felt his whole body enveloped in sudden warmth. Leo had wrapped his arms around him and pulled Hakyeon as close as he could.

“I’m sorry,” Leo breathed, holding Hakyeon tight. “I am so sorry they did that to you, Hakyeonie. They had  _no right.”_ Leo’s eyes stung with angry tears. “I’m sorry we didn’t find you sooner. I promise you those monsters will pay for what they did.”

“…I’m not so sure,” Hakyeon whispered eventually. Even if the men went to court, if Hakyeon got stuck with a homophobic judge or jury, the three men could get off with a frighteningly light sentence. But Leo just squeezed him tighter, and spoke with utter conviction.

“They’ll pay, Hakyeonie,” he promised. “And no matter what happens, we will  _never_ let someone hurt you like that again. Never.” Hakyeon closed his eyes, wishing he could believe his friend’s words. But it was becoming harder and harder to believe that anyone, even Hakyeon himself, could protect him and Minhyuk from the repercussions of living in a society that didn’t accept them. Fighting was starting to become synonymous with “exhausting,” and Hakyeon didn’t know how much more he could handle before he collapsed.

“You can’t promise that, Taekwoonie,” Hakyeon murmured, his words nearly lost in Leo’s shirt. “No more than you can promise to stop the world.” To Hakyeon’s surprise, Leo laughed at that, the sound soft, a challenge.

“Watch me. Watch us.” Hakyeon sat up, looking at Leo in startled confusion. Did he really think he could help Hakyeon through something so beyond their control, beyond anyone’s control? Leo gave him a small smile.

“I know you’re used to being the leader. I know you’re used to bearing things on your own. But give us a little credit, okay? You’ve been holding us all up for so long, you haven’t had the chance to see how much weight we can bear on our own.” Leo squeezed his hand, surprising Hakyeon with the strength in his fingers. He placed his other hand on the side of Hakyeon’s face, holding his head up so Hakyeon couldn’t bow it in shame. “We can lift you, Hakyeonie. We can protect you. We’ll support you and raise you up even when you feel like you can’t get off the floor. And the next time someone tries to push you down, we’ll catch you before you fall.”

Hakyeon’s vision was swimming, but he was still able to see the way Leo’s eyes, usually so sharp, had softened with warmth. He leaned forward, and to Hakyeon’s utter surprise, Leo pressed a light kiss to his forehead. Hakyeon never would’ve expected Leo of all people to do that. Leo pulled back, his hands loving as they brushed Hakyeon’s hair. “Everything you've been through, everything you're going through...dealing with this whole mess is the hardest thing any of us has ever done,” he murmured. “The other members and I can only imagine how much harder it must be for you. But that’s why it’s okay lean on us now. You’re suffering more than anyone, and we don’t expect you to simply bear it. But we have strength left over, and we can give it to you—we’ll give it all to you, if only you’ll let us.”

Hakyeon was speechless, completely lost for words. Though they’d been friends for years, Leo had never spoken to him like this. It was a kind of candidness Hakyeon didn’t think he’d ever seen, probably not from anyone. Hakyeon realized Leo really had to love him to bring himself to open up this much. Leo moved in for another hug, and Hakyeon tucked his head to allow it, leaning into his friend. Leo laid his cheek against Hakyeon’s hair and rubbed soothing hands down his back and arms.

“Those men will go to jail, and if they ever get out, we’ll make sure they’re in no state to ever hurt anyone again. Well, unless Minhyuk gets to them first.” Hakyeon gave a tiny, watery laugh, and Leo closed his eyes with relief when he heard it. “It’s gonna be okay, Hakyeonie. No matter how long it takes, we’ll get through this. No one is going to leave you alone. We’re on your side forever.”

Hakyeon pressed his face into Leo’s shirt, breathing in the familiar scent of his friend. He told himself to listen to what Leo had said and nothing else. So for a few minutes at least, Hakyeon was able to shut out the awful taste in his mouth and the ghost touch of that man’s fingers. He breathed through his nose and focused on the warm presence beside him, on how nice it felt to be held like this by a dear friend; and the comfort that Leo offered was real, it was tangible, and it kept Hakyeon from shaking until the police arrived.


	15. Lie

            Hakyeon’s heart beat rapidly in his chest as he dialed the number again. He’d called his mother once already, but it had gone to voicemail after one ring, and Hakyeon knew that meant that she’d seen his call and hung up on him. But he’d left her a message nonetheless. It was a short recording, only saying that he wanted to speak to her. She hadn’t called him back, though, and Hakyeon was starting to feel desperate. So now he was calling her again. He caught his breath as someone picked up on the other end.

            “Hello?” Hakyeon raised a hand to his mouth, almost crying when he heard her voice. She’d picked up. His mother had answered his call.

            “Mom?” he asked tentatively.

            “Yes. What is it?” She sounded short-tempered and none too happy to hear from him. But at least she was speaking to him again.

            “…I wanted to talk to you,” Hakyeon said softly.

            “Yes, I gathered that from your message. You said you needed to tell me something. So what is it?” Hakyeon took a deep breath.

            “Mom…something really bad happened to me today, and…I just wanted to talk to you about it.” Hakyeon was still shaking with the memory of everything that had happened, everything that _could_ have happened, in that bathroom hours earlier. He felt small, and anxious, and sad, and he needed his mother’s advice. He needed her to tell him it was okay. But she was disturbingly silent on the other end. “Please,” Hakyeon added, tentative and quiet.

            “I was hoping you called me to tell me you’re getting treated,” she replied eventually. Hakyeon flinched. He raised a hand to the cut on his throat, which had suddenly begun to burn. “Is that why you called me?”

            “…No,” Hakyeon admitted, his voice barely more than a whisper. “But please, Mom, I just—“

            “If you’re not ready to get treated, then I’m not ready to talk to you,” his mother said firmly. Hakyeon squeezed his eyes shut, his breath leaving him like he’d been punched in the stomach.

            “Mom, please…please let me talk for just a minute,” he insisted. “I…I need you right now.” Hakyeon could swear he could hear his mother shaking her head.

            “This bad thing that happened to you…was it because of your illness?” Hakyeon couldn’t answer her. Not when she was somehow both right and yet horribly wrong. He wasn’t sick, and he couldn’t tell her “Yes” when she’d called his love for Minhyuk an illness.

            “It was, wasn’t it?” his mother pressed when Hakyeon didn’t answer. She sighed. “Well, Hakyeonie, if someone mistreated you because of your illness, as long as you refuse to get treatment, then all I can say is that you probably had it coming.” Hakyeon felt his mouth drop open. No. She hadn’t just said that to him. No matter what had happened, Hakyeon’s mother _could not_ think he deserved what those men had done to him…right?

            “I’m hanging up now, Hakyeon,” his mother said then. “Don’t call me again unless you have a good reason.” The other line went dead. She’d hung up. Hakyeon’s phone slipped from his stiff fingers and fell to the floor with a dull thud. Hakyeon sat still and stared at the wall. He was still staring when, an hour later, someone knocked on his door.

            “Hakyeonie?” Minhyuk pushed open the bedroom door to find his partner sitting on the floor, staring blankly at the wall across from him. “Hakyeonie.” Minhyuk entered the room and knelt in front of him. Hakyeon’s eyes seemed to come into focus as they fell on him.

            “Minhyukie…” he murmured. To Minhyuk’s relief, Hakyeon smiled a little then. “I’m glad you’re okay.” Minhyuk put a hand on Hakyeon’s shoulder.

            “Of course I’m okay. Are _you_ okay?” Hakyeon dropped his eyes, raising a hand to the cut on his neck. Minhyuk gasped at the sight of it. He clenched his teeth, and suddenly his eyes were brimming with rage-induced tears.

            “Those fucking bastards,” Minhyuk breathed, reaching to touch it almost as if in a daze. Hakyeon closed his eyes, allowing Minhyuk’s fingers to rest lightly against the scratch. He heard Minhyuk’s hiss, but Hakyeon still felt a dim flicker of relief. Minhyuk’s fingers were cool and gentle, his touch soothing the burning tingle on Hakyeon’s throat.

Minhyuk dropped his hand, and Hakyeon opened his eyes to see his partner furiously wiping tears from his cheeks. That thin red scratch on Hakyeon’s throat had filled Minhyuk with anger more intense than anything he’d ever known. He could hardly see for it, and Minhyuk thought he might truly kill those men if they stood in front of him. But for all that…for all the fury he felt, Minhyuk knew he could dwell on it later. He had to dwell on it later, because Hakyeon looked too pale and too scared right now, and it was more important that Minhyuk devote his attention to his partner.

Hakyeon ran a finger over the cut almost absentmindedly. “Minhyukie…did I deserve this?” he asked softly. Minhyuk’s lips parted in shock.

            “No,” he breathed. He grabbed Hakyeon with both hands. “Hakyeonie, no. You can’t think like that, okay? What those men did to you today was horrifying and awful and entirely their fault. You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be left alone to live your life how you want. You do _not_ deserve to be hurt, not by anyone, and certainly not by monsters like those. Okay?” His eyes searched Hakyeon’s face desperately, and Minhyuk prayed that Hakyeon would believe him.

            But, though Hakyeon nodded in agreement, his expression was still too blank for Minhyuk to even guess what he was thinking. Minhyuk bit his lip, fighting to hold back another wave of tears. He reached forward, wanting to hug Hakyeon. But Hakyeon shied away, and Minhyuk felt his heart freeze over in fear. Was Hakyeon going to go back to how they’d been months ago, afraid to let Minhyuk touch him in any way? Was that what this was?

            “Hakyeonie…what is it?” Minhyuk asked softly. Hakyeon had gotten so much better at talking to him, surely Minhyuk could get him to share. Hakyeon looked down at himself, something like disgust darkening his eyes.

            “Not now. I’m not...not clean right now,” he murmured. Even though those men hadn’t succeeded in doing what they’d planned, Hakyeon still felt dirty. He’d brushed his teeth three times already, but he felt like he could still taste that man’s tongue in his mouth, and his urge to vomit hadn’t faded in hours. He could still feel that man’s desire pressed up against him, and his invasive fingers stroking a place they had no right to touch. Hakyeon could only imagine how much worse off he’d be if they’d actually gotten to do everything they threatened to.

            Hakyeon didn’t want Minhyuk to hug him while he was like this. Not after those men had threatened to make Minhyuk feel dirty too, to do unspeakable things to him too…Hakyeon didn’t deserve to feel the comfort of Minhyuk’s arms around him. Minhyuk looked worried for a moment, still biting his lip as he examined his partner. But then he forced himself to smile, and took Hakyeon’s hand before he could shy away again.

            “Then let’s take a shower. We’ll get you so clean you won’t even remember what dirty feels like. Okay?” Hakyeon gave a shaky sigh. He wished he could tell Minhyuk to leave, so he wouldn’t insist on being so much more than Hakyeon deserved. But Hakyeon was too weak to send him away, not when his heart ached so desperately for Minhyuk to stay.

            So Hakyeon looked up at Minhyuk reluctantly, and offered quiet agreement. “Okay.” Minhyuk’s red-rimmed eyes shone with relief as he stood, took Hakyeon’s hand, and pulled him to his feet. Minhyuk knew VIXX’s dorm as well as his own, so he was able to lead Hakyeon through the apartment to the bathroom without incident.

            A few VIXX members watched them walk past, but said nothing, sensing that Hakyeon and Minhyuk needed a moment with each other. Minhyuk took Hakyeon into the bathroom and closed the door, turning the lock on the handle. He started the shower immediately, and began stripping off his clothes in a way that was meant to be efficient and nothing more. Hakyeon did the same, though he moved slower. Minhyuk waited patiently until they were both bare, then took Hakyeon’s hand again and stepped with him into the shower.

            Hakyeon closed his eyes, titling his head back and giving a small sigh of relief as the warm water hit him, instantly soothing the knots of tension in his shoulders. Minhyuk was glad to see him relax a little. He squeezed some body wash onto a loofah and handed it to Hakyeon so he could start to wash himself.

After a few moments of watching Hakyeon slowly scrub the soap over his skin, Minhyuk grabbed for a fluffy shower sponge, lathered it with more body wash, and carefully reached for Hakyeon. “May I?” he asked softly, touching the sponge to Hakyeon’s skin. Hakyeon nodded. Minhyuk was relieved to see that what had happened this afternoon hadn’t shaken Hakyeon’s trust in him at least. They both began to wash him, and soon Minhyuk was humming softly as he swirled the sponge over Hakyeon’s body.

            Minhyuk hadn’t said so before, but he knew full well that when Hakyeon said he “wasn’t clean,” he didn’t mean physically, and Hakyeon didn’t think he was the kind of dirty a shower could fix. But Minhyuk wanted to show him he was wrong, that no one in the world could ever make Hakyeon “unclean.” He was so sweet and pure he practically sparkled, and Minhyuk wanted Hakyeon to know that he hadn’t stopped seeing him that way. Hakyeon was fresh snow to Minhyuk, and he always would be.

            Minhyuk knelt, running the sponge down Hakyeon’s calf, intent on scrubbing his whole body so Hakyeon would have no physical reason to say he wasn’t clean. Minhyuk ran his free hand down Hakyeon’s leg as he worked, savoring the smooth skin beneath his palm. There was nothing particularly sensual in his touches—Minhyuk knew sex was probably the last thing Hakyeon wanted right now. Rather, it was simple admiration, the pure adoration Minhyuk felt for Hakyeon and everything that made him who he was, his body, mind, and soul.

            Minhyuk placed a soft, chaste kiss on Hakyeon’s calf. Then he lifted Hakyeon’s ankle, holding him gently while he washed one foot, and then the other. Finally Minhyuk stood, though his small smile faltered when he saw the way Hakyeon was looking at him. Minhyuk reflected, for the first time, that a shower might not have been the best idea. With the water streaming down his face, Minhyuk could no longer tell if Hakyeon was crying.

            What he could tell was that Hakyeon was looking at him with a confusing desperation. Minhyuk had no time to ask before Hakyeon slipped a hand behind his head and pulled him into a kiss. Minhyuk gave a small gasp of surprise, but immediately kissed him back, wanting to assure Hakyeon that he had no qualms about touching him, not in any way.

            Hakyeon’s lips parted in obvious invitation. He wanted Minhyuk to slide his tongue in and chase away the taste of the other man’s. Hakyeon was desperate for Minhyuk to show him that the bitter tang wouldn’t be with him forever.

            Minhyuk did just that, sensing easily what his partner wanted. Hakyeon sighed in relief, melting into Minhyuk when something familiar and much cleaner took the place of the awful aftertaste of his would-be rapist. Minhyuk was sweet—had he been eating fruit?—and as he always did, Hakyeon felt a little like he was kissing the sun with the way Minhyuk made his body swell with warmth. Minhyuk’s fingers carded soothingly through Hakyeon’s wet hair, and for just a moment, Hakyeon was at peace again.

            But then he remembered what those men had threatened. Would Hakyeon have been able to soothe Minhyuk like this if _he’d_ been the one they attacked, instead of Hakyeon? He didn’t know. Hakyeon realized then that all he did know was that Minhyuk never should’ve been put in that position in the first place; and without Hakyeon, he wouldn’t have been. Hakyeon pulled back, suddenly realizing he shouldn’t be kissing Minhyuk like this. He shouldn’t urge Minhyuk to touch him.

Minhyuk looked at Hakyeon in confusion, his gaze still a little heady from the kiss. Hakyeon dropped his eyes to the ground, staring at the water pooling around their feet. Minhyuk put his hands on Hakyeon’s arms, and realized his partner was shivering despite the steaming shower. Carefully, tenderly, Minhyuk pulled Hakyeon close. He rested his forehead against Hakyeon’s, closing his eyes as the warm water streamed down their faces.

            “It’s okay,” Minhyuk whispered, forcing back the tremors he felt rising in his own body. Minhyuk would never tremble. No matter how hard this got, Minhyuk was going to stand steady and sure so he could hold Hakyeon up no matter how hard he shook. “You’re safe. You’re clean. And I’m not going anywhere.” Hakyeon closed his eyes too, leaning into Minhyuk, though he tried to tell himself it was the last time he would ever do so. Minhyuk couldn’t keep supporting him like this. It wasn’t fair, especially not when it put him in danger.

            Hakyeon told himself he could handle it. He could do what was best for Minhyuk. But hours later, as Hakyeon lay in bed staring at Minhyuk’s sleeping face beside him, he knew he’d lied to himself. Because all he could hear in the still darkness was Minhyuk’s soft voice whispering, “It’s okay,” and because his mouth still tasted like fruit.


	16. Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes some potentially triggering content.

 

            Hakyeon stirred and opened his eyes, groaning as he fumbled for his alarm. He shut if off and immediately heaved a sleepy sigh. It was VIXX’s last day of promotions, and Hakyeon couldn’t be happier. Rather than dying down, the anti-fans had only gained steam as the weeks went on. They’d made it almost impossible for VIXX to film anything or go anywhere without interruptions. When VIXX had finally won first place at one of the shows, they’d booed so much when Hakyeon tried to give a speech he’d had to give up and let Ravi speak instead, and by then his ears had turned so red everyone could see it on camera. Hakyeon had had to completely stop checking his SNS too, as the comments had just gotten too toxic. There were plenty of good Starlights on there too, of course, but it only made Hakyeon feel worse when he saw them arguing with the anti-fans, expending so much time and emotional energy because of him. He wasn’t the only one stressed and upset by this situation, and it was terrible to think that he was causing his fans so much pain.

            Hakyeon sat up, rubbing his eyes and yawning. He was also glad promotions were ending because it meant he might finally get a decent night’s sleep. After the way he’d been waking up in cold sweats all the time, he needed it. Bleary-eyed, Hakyeon reached for his phone, wanting to see if he had enough time to sleep an extra ten minutes.

            All thoughts went out of his head, though, when he saw a notification on his screen. He had a voicemail, one that had been left about an hour ago in the very early morning. It was from his mother.

            Hakyeon unlocked his phone and went straight to the voicemail, his hand shaking. She’d told Hakyeon not to call her again, but this time _she_ was the one who’d contacted him. Hakyeon didn’t know why she would, but if she’d left a voicemail it must be important. His breathing picked up as the message started to play. Tomorrow was the first day of Chuseok, so maybe she’d…

Hakyeon’s hopeful thoughts vanished like a snuffed candle flame. The voice speaking to him wasn’t his mother’s, but he did know it. Hakyeon could almost feel the blood draining from his face as he listened, frozen in place. He hardly took a breath until the recording ended.

            Hakyeon dropped his phone, allowing it to land with a thud on the floor. He blinked, and his vision seemed to go foggy for a moment. He forgot where he was and what he was doing. His awareness had narrowed to nothing but the voices in his head, replaying the ones he’d just heard coming from his phone. Not his mother’s voice, not at all, but those of his niece and nephews. They’d called him from his mother’s phone and begged him to come home for Chuseok—well, most had. But only if he “got treated” for his “illness:”

_“If you get treated, Uncle Hakyeon, I’ll give you a biiig hug!”_

_“I want to play with you again. Please get treated, Uncle Hakyeon, or I’ll never see you again.”_

_“I don’t want to see you until I know you’ve been treated! You disgust me right now, Uncle Hakyeon, but you’re family so I’ll forgive you if you get treated. Grandma’s right though—you shouldn’t come home until you do.”_

_“Don’t you miss us?”_ That one had sounded like he was crying. _“Why won’t you get treated? You don’t love us anymore, do you?”_

Hakyeon put his face in his hands, his fingers gripping his hair tightly. He knew he was going to scream, so he bit his tongue and forced back the sound. But as soon as he did, his stomach lurched. Hakyeon stood and stumbled from his room. He hurried to the bathroom and dropped to his knees beside the toilet. Hakyeon threw up into the bowl, his stomach clenching painfully. He coughed and gagged, his eyes watering from strain. A moment later he heard someone behind him.

“Hyung! Are you okay?” Ken asked, sounding startled. Hakyeon squeezed his eyes shut. No, he wasn’t okay. He threw up again. Then he leaned limply against the toilet, gasping for breath, his throat burning as Ken hurried into the bathroom with a hand over his mouth.

“Are you sick?” Ken asked, placing his other hand on Hakyeon’s back. Hakyeon nodded. He didn’t feel like explaining his real reason for throwing up right now. Ken looked him over, his eyes worried. “So…can you still do the schedule today?”

Hakyeon shook his head. He couldn’t go out there today and shut out all the screams and smile like nothing was wrong. He just couldn’t. Ken patted him understandingly. “That’s okay,” he assured Hakyeon. “I’m sure CEO-nim will understand. I mean, we can’t have you throwing up everywhere. Should I go tell the other members?”

“Please, Jaehwan. Thank you,” Hakyeon agreed breathlessly. Ken gave him an encouraging smile and left the bathroom. Hakyeon ripped off a piece of toilet paper and wiped his mouth. He flushed the toilet, and then laid his head on his arm, feeling utterly exhausted even though he’d only woken up minutes ago.

Why had she done that? Why had his niece and nephews done that? Hakyeon had known how his parents felt about him now, and he’d had a suspicion his siblings felt the same, since none of them had bothered to reach out to him. But even his niece and nephews, even the little ones who’d grown up with him beside them…even they couldn’t accept him? Then again, if their parents were raising them to hate Hakyeon and everyone like him, what more could he expect?

Hakyeon closed his eyes. Yes, what more could he expect? His mother had already told him, that day on the cliffs, that he’d lost his family. Hakyeon didn’t suppose he’d ever get them back now. A thread of hope he’d been holding so deep inside him he hadn’t even been aware of it seemed to snap then. Hakyeon gasped, the loss of that thread stinging like he’d swallowed a knife.

He’d never get them back. Not just his mother, not just his father, but none of them. Ever. They really were gone. Hakyeon didn’t know how long he lay in that bathroom with his eyes closed, trying to process his impossible realization, when someone knocked on the door. Hakyeon opened his eyes and looked up dazedly.

“Hyung?” Ravi asked. “We’re leaving now. We called manager-nim and told him you can’t come. He says it’s okay, and that you should just rest. If you’re still feeling sick by tomorrow we’ll take you to the hospital, okay?”

“Okay,” Hakyeon agreed. Ravi did his best to smile.

“Feel better, alright? We left you some warm tea in the kitchen if you want it.” Hakyeon didn't know why that small gesture suddenly made him want to cry. He pushed back tears as he raised his head.

“Wonshik.” Ravi paused in the doorway.

“Yes?”

“Thank you,” Hakyeon said softly. “For…for everything.” Ravi blinked, looking surprised and perhaps a little worried.

“You’re welcome, hyung,” he replied. “It was nothing, I promise.”

“It’s never been nothing. You and all the other members…you know I love you, right?” Ravi really was starting to get concerned now.

“Of course we know that. We love you too,” Ravi assured him. Hakyeon gave him a small, sad smile.

“Good. I just wanted to be sure.” Ravi bit his lip, hesitating in the doorway.

“Hyung…are you sure you’re okay? Maybe we should take you to the hospital now—you know, just to be safe.” But Hakyeon shook his head.

“I’m fine, Wonshik-ah. I’d rather stay here.” Ravi gripped the doorframe, still hesitating even as Hongbin called his name, telling him they needed to leave or they’d be late.

“…Okay,” he said at last, knowing he really couldn’t force Hakyeon into anything, regardless of how much Ravi wanted to. “I’ll call you later, alright?” Hakyeon nodded agreeably. Ravi looked him up and down, wondering why his stomach had begun to churn in fear. “Bye, hyung. I’ll see you later.” This time Hakyeon didn’t nod. He simply laid his head on his arm again and closed his eyes. It was almost enough to stop Ravi from leaving.

But then Hongbin called his name again, and he knew he had to go. But as Ravi turned away, he heard Hakyeon say something to him, Hakyeon’s voice so soft it was almost inaudible.

“Goodbye.” Ravi had dialed Minhyuk’s number before he even set foot outside.

 

 

Hakyeon wasn’t sure how many minutes passed after the members’ departure before he finally stood. He shuffled numbly back to his bedroom and opened the bottom drawer of his nightstand. He reached into the back and pulled out a small, locked box. Hakyeon turned the tumblers to enter the three-digit combination, and the box popped open.

Inside was a bright orange bottle of prescription-level painkillers. Hakyeon had managed to acquire them months ago, but he’d never opened them. He hadn’t wanted to get high. He’d only wanted the security of knowing that if things came to what they’d come to today, he had a way out. Hakyeon didn’t like pain, and he knew himself well enough to know that if death meant something violent and painful, he might be afraid to go through with it. But painkillers would be like falling asleep, right? That was what he’d always heard.

Hakyeon sat back against the bed and stared at the bottle. He wanted to do it. This was probably his best chance, too. The VIXX members wouldn’t be back until very late at night. There was no way they’d find him in time.

_Find me…_ Hakyeon felt his stomach lurch again, this time with guilt, and he almost threw up a third time. Someone would have to find him if he did this, and it would almost definitely be one of the VIXX members. Could he really do that to them?

_Selfish…_ Oh, he was so selfish. Hakyeon’s family had already given him up, so to them maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. But it would crush the VIXX members. And oh, _Minhyuk._ Hakyeon’s chest shook with a sudden, grating sob as he imagined Minhyuk’s reaction when he found out. The image of Minhyuk crying over his death flashed through Hakyeon’s mind, and he moved to put the pills away.

But then his hand paused over the box. Minhyuk crying…Hakyeon had already seen Minhyuk cry over him. He’d cried for Hakyeon already, when Hakyeon told him about his family, or about what those men had tried to do in that bathroom not so many days ago. He’d cried for Hakyeon when he saw what people were saying to him on the Internet, though Minhyuk had tried to hide his injured, angry tears and Hakyeon didn’t think Minhyuk knew that he’d seen them.

And even if he wouldn’t admit it, Hakyeon knew he had made Minhyuk cry in those weeks after Hakyeon had first tried to die, when he was too damn cowardly to even touch his own partner. And even though he hadn’t cried in front of Hakyeon at the time, when Minhyuk got beaten up by those bastards for loving him, Hakyeon could tell just by touching a single bruise on his skin that it hurt more than Minhyuk was letting on.

The world wasn’t kind, and even though it had been months since Hakyeon and Minhyuk were forced into coming out, people didn’t seem to have tired of trying to break them apart and curse them.

Minhyuk had been through enough, Hakyeon thought. _It’s my fault he’s hurting in the first place._ Minhyuk had had girlfriends before he’d dated Hakyeon, and of course no one had cared or looked at him twice for it. He’d been just another regular guy set to fulfill his prescribed roles in life.

If he weren’t tied to Hakyeon, Minhyuk could go back to living that normal life he had before. He could marry a woman and have kids like everyone expected him to. No one would beat him up or threaten to kill him. No one would threaten to rape him if Hakyeon didn’t do what they said. His career would be fine. His whole life would be better.

Hakyeon supposed he didn’t have to die for Minhyuk to live that life. He could just break up with him. But at that thought, Hakyeon felt another sob shake his chest. He couldn’t break up with Minhyuk. He'd been trying to convince himself otherwise since Minhyuk's father first put the idea in his head, and he'd made no progress. Hakyeon loved him too much and he was too fucking weak to let him go like that—not when he knew Minhyuk would fight it, not when he knew Minhyuk loved him too.

No, this was better. Minhyuk would be devastated, but someday he would recover. Hadn't Hakyeon promised himself he'd stop relying on Minhyuk? Hadn't he decided it wasn't fair to ask Minhyuk to support two people when holding himself up was hard enough? Besides, Hakyeon wasn’t everything Minhyuk thought he was. If he were, he wouldn’t be taking the lid off the bottle of prescription pills in his hand. But he was.

Hakyeon sighed heavily, his vision blurring as he dropped the lid to the carpet. He reached for the glass of water on his nightstand. It was still almost entirely full. He set it on the floor beside him and turned the open bottle around in his fingers.

Again, he remembered that someone from VIXX would find him if he did this. One of his brothers. Hakyeon found himself breathing quickly, tears slipping down his cheeks. It was so horrible of him to do this to them, he thought. But, just like Minhyuk, Hakyeon was hurting the VIXX members by remaining tied to them. He’d put all their careers and even their lives in danger. People sent them almost as many death threats as they sent Hakyeon and Minhyuk. It would be better for VIXX too if Hakyeon did this. He could only hope whoever found him understood how sorry he was for what they’d see.

Hakyeon raised the bottle to his mouth, his hands shaking. This was really it. He’d had more time to think about this than he had when he tried to step off those cliffs months ago. Hakyeon had been considering this for weeks without even realizing it. This was his “too late,” the thing that had created that coil of anxiety in his stomach for so long. It wasn’t a fear of breaking up with Minhyuk, it was a fear of a much more final separation—from everyone. And Hakyeon had finally realized that it was the only permanent solution to this spider web of hurt and impossibility. Whether it was Minhyuk or any other man (though Hakyeon didn’t want to imagine anyone else beside him), no partner of his could ever live in peace after this. Hakyeon thought he’d made up his mind days ago, in fact, and his mother’s phone call was only the final tug that had snapped the frayed rope of his composure in two.

Hakyeon couldn’t do this anymore. He was exhausted and overwhelmed and he was tired of feeling like this. He woke up every night from nightmares he only half-remembered. His stomach hurt all the time and he could barely keep food down. After the incident with the three men, he was afraid to walk anywhere public by himself, and he wouldn’t follow anyone he didn’t know well unless someone he trusted went with him.

He couldn’t look at his SNS without seeing death threats and slurs and the vilest insults he’d ever encountered, and the worst part was that most of them were directed not just at Hakyeon, but at Minhyuk. Hakyeon couldn’t listen to the VIXX members talk about their future careers without hearing worry in their voices, even though they tried to smile when they realized Hakyeon was watching them. He couldn’t lie beside Minhyuk without seeing the sadness and strain behind Minhyuk’s eyes, the pain he was enduring because of this whole ridiculous situation. He couldn’t think of his family without imaging his nieces and nephews growing up ashamed of him, and of his mother’s voice on the phone when she told him he deserved to suffer for who he was.

Hakyeon had tried, but apparently he hadn’t tried hard enough, because it seemed like nothing had changed since all this started, and he was still hurting the people he loved as much as he had before.

Hakyeon was tired. And he was done. He was just…done. Hakyeon tipped back the bottle, and several pills skittered onto his tongue. He took a sip of water, and swallowed them all down.

Hakyeon thought of the VIXX members’ faces when their CEO had told them their careers might be over, and swallowed some more. He thought of his mother’s face when she’d told Hakyeon he was no longer her son, and he swallowed some more. He thought of the way those men in that bathroom had threatened to do something so unspeakable to Minhyuk that Hakyeon had almost let them do something unspeakable to him. And he swallowed some more.

Last Hakyeon thought of Minhyuk. He thought of his bruised face and body when those men had beaten him up, and the way he’d promised Hakyeon that it hadn’t phased him at all. He thought of the way Minhyuk had bowed to Hakyeon and cried at his feet, apologizing with all his soul for the pictures that had been stolen from his phone, even though it never could have been his fault. He remembered the way Minhyuk had looked for the last several months, stressed and sad and worried for Hakyeon, and for himself. He thought of all the ways he’d hurt Minhyuk, and all the ways he likely would have hurt him in the future. And he swallowed some more.

Hakyeon tossed the glass to the side, and his arms went limp. The empty bottle rolled from Hakyeon’s fingers and came to a stop inches from his hand. Hakyeon blinked, realizing his head already felt fuzzy. Maybe he should have done something nice before he did this, he thought. At the very least he could’ve changed out of his pajamas into a suit or something.

Then again, what did it matter? He’d be dead in minutes, and then who cared what he looked like? People who dressed up for this were making it into too much, he decided. Hakyeon closed his eyes, surprised to realize he felt sort of comfortable now. He was warm, pleasantly warm. Maybe that was a sign that he really was doing the right thing.

Hakyeon opened his heavy lids again when his phone buzzed. It was a message, but Hakyeon’s vision was blurring so much that he couldn’t read what it said. Hakyeon frowned. That buzzing noise from his phone…he’d never really liked it. Would that be the last thing he heard? He didn’t want it to be the last thing he heard.

Though his hand was stiff and leaden, Hakyeon reached for his phone. He picked it up, and with shaking fingers managed to unlock it. His mother’s voicemail was still open, and Hakyeon found himself pressing play and putting the phone on speaker. He wasn’t sure why he wanted to listen to this again. It had upset him so much he’d thrown up only, what, half an hour ago?

But even if they were saying terrible things, his niece and nephews were still precious to Hakyeon. Despite their words…Hakyeon thought their voices wouldn’t be a bad thing to hear as he died. He closed his eyes again, listening to the sound of the children he’d help raise tell him, quite truthfully now, that they would never see him again.


	17. I'll Wait with You, so Stay with Me

            Minhyuk knocked on the bedroom door. “Hakyeonie?” No answer. Minhyuk flexed his fingers, hesitating. VIXX had a schedule today, but apparently Hakyeon had been too sick to join, so they’d let him stay home. His members were worried about him, though, and Minhyuk was too. When Ravi called and asked Minhyuk to check on Hakyeon for them, he’d agreed immediately. If Ravi thought Hakyeon was acting strange—more so than simple sickness warranted—Minhyuk didn’t want to take any chances. He’d even wondered if Hakyeon’s illness was less an actual sickness and more his body’s response to too much stress.

Hakyeon had seemed particularly depressed lately, and Minhyuk understood why. The anti-fans were making life hell, and Hakyeon was still understandably shaken up about what had happened with those three men. And, to make things even worse, tomorrow was the start of Chuseok. Every member of VIXX as well as Minhyuk had invited Hakyeon to join their respective families, since he wouldn’t be spending it with his own. But still, Minhyuk knew it hurt Hakyeon more than he would say to know this would be the first time he spent the holiday without so much as a word from his family. Minhyuk couldn’t imagine going through all of this without the support of his own family; Hakyeon didn’t even have that much anymore. So, upon hearing the concern in Ravi’s voice when he’d called, Minhyuk had dropped everything he was doing and rushed right to VIXX’s dorm, using the passcode Ravi had given him and letting himself in. And now, here he stood, outside Hakyeon’s closed bedroom door. He knocked again, but got no response.

“I’m coming in, okay?” Minhyuk announced. He turned the handle, and slowly pushed open the door. To his surprise, Hakyeon was sitting on the floor, back against his bed, looking unusually listless.

            “Hakyeonie?” Minhyuk asked, tentatively stepping into the room. “Why didn’t you answer me?” Hakyeon blinked, slowly turning his head with what appeared to take great effort. His eyes were strangely glazed as they looked at Minhyuk. He didn’t respond. Minhyuk felt his stomach drop with fear. Something was very wrong here.

            He knelt, noticing for the first time that Hakyeon was holding his phone. The screen was bright, revealing that Hakyeon had been listening to a voicemail left him earlier that morning, from a contact named…”Mom.” Minhyuk gasped. He turned his head sharply, and saw that near Hakyeon’s other hand, lying inches from his limp fingers, was an empty bottle of pills. Minhyuk made a strangled noise.

            “Hakyeonie! What did you do?” Hakyeon blinked again, not responding. Minhyuk seized him and shook him violently. “ _What did you do?!”_ he screamed, terrified tears blurring his vision. Hakyeon wouldn’t answer him. Huffing with fear and frustration, Minhyuk grabbed Hakyeon’s face, forcing his mouth open roughly and jamming his fingers down his throat. Hakyeon gagged, pitched forward, and vomited on the floor. Minhyuk pulled him close and did it again, making Hakyeon throw up a second time.

            “Why did you do this?” Minhyuk cried as Hakyeon shuddered and coughed, saliva dripping from his mouth. He still wouldn’t speak. Minhyuk swallowed back a scared sob. “I’m calling an ambulance.” He reached for Hakyeon’s phone, paying no heed to the vomit on his fingers. But to his shock, Hakyeon grabbed him suddenly.

            “No,” he choked, his eyes watering from strain. “No ambulance. The press will go crazy…”

            “I don’t care about the press!” Minhyuk yelled. “You’re going to die!”

            “Please!” Hakyeon begged, his voice breaking like shattered glass. “Please don’t…” Minhyuk hesitated, trembling. Fine. If Hakyeon didn’t want an ambulance, fine. Minhyuk had borrowed a company car and driven himself here. So fine.

            “I’m taking you to the hospital, Hakyeon,” he said, no hint of compromise in his voice. He grabbed the empty pill bottle and dragged Hakyeon to his feet. He practically carried him outside to the car. He shoved Hakyeon in the passenger seat and fastened his seatbelt for him quickly with shaking fingers.

            Minhyuk drove like a maniac, knowing that even if a cop caught him he wouldn’t pull over until he’d gotten Hakyeon to the nearest hospital. Hakyeon said nothing, slumped limply in his seat. He still seemed dazed, and his eyelids drooped heavily as they drove.

            “Stay awake, Hakyeonie,” Minhyuk urged him desperately. “You can’t sleep yet, just stay awake. Please, _please_ …” Minhyuk’s hands were shaking on the steering wheel, and he felt like he was teetering on the very edge of a complete breakdown. But he couldn’t fall apart until Hakyeon was safe, so he kept his focus on the road and got to the hospital before Hakyeon had the chance to close his eyes again.

            “Stay here, Hakyeonie,” Minhyuk said as he attempted to wipe the vomit from Hakyeon’s face with his sleeve. “I’m gonna get you some help. Stay awake until I come back, alright?” Minhyuk leapt out of the car, having forgotten to fasten his own seatbelt. He didn’t trust Hakyeon to be able to walk, so he left him in the car and dashed inside.

            Minhyuk found the nearest staff member and grabbed her arm. “Help us, please,” he begged. “My friend has overdosed, and I think he’s going to die.”

            “Where is he?” the nurse asked, instantly serious.

            “Out front,” Minhyuk gasped, pointing behind him. “He’s in the car. He couldn’t walk.” The nurse nodded. She shouted for help, and within moments a team of medical staff was rushing outside pushing a gurney. Minhyuk followed them. At the car, a male nurse was already pulling Hakyeon out of his seat. Minhyuk gave a low cry when he realized Hakyeon’s eyes were closed. The nurses put Hakyeon on a gurney and pushed him quickly inside. Minhyuk followed again, back into the emergency room.

            “Wait!” Minhyuk exclaimed as they moved to leave, suddenly remembering. He held out the empty pill bottle. “This is what he took.” The nurse who’d first helped him nodded her thanks. She took the bottle and hurried off with the others. Minhyuk stared after them, only now realizing how breathless and impossibly weak he felt. His knees gave and he dropped to the floor, gazing at the door through which Hakyeon had disappeared.

Eventually Minhyuk realized that people were staring at him, that he was shaking, and that he still had vomit on his fingers. He had to move sometime. So he stood unsteadily and left to find a bathroom to wash his hands.  

 

 

Minhyuk raised his head, his eyes red-rimmed and tired. He’d been sitting in this waiting room for God knew how long, and a nurse had just tapped him on the shoulder. She smiled down at him gently. “You can see him now.” Minhyuk stood, and eagerly followed her into Hakyeon’s room. Hakyeon was lying in bed, dressed in a hospital gown, with an IV inserted in the vein of his arm. His skin was unusually pale. He looked at Minhyuk as he entered, his expression unreadable. The nurse showed Minhyuk to a chair.

“I’ll give you two some time alone,” she said softly then. She turned and closed the door behind her. Minhyuk and Hakyeon stared at each other in silence, both too afraid to speak. For a long time the only sound was the steady soft beeping of the heart monitor. Finally, Hakyeon spoke.

“Minhyukie…” His voice was quiet, tentative.

“Yes?” Minhyuk waited tensely.

“I…I’m sorry,” Hakyeon murmured. “I didn’t think you would be the one to…”

“To what?” Minhyuk asked raggedly. “To find you half-dead in your own room because you tried to kill yourself? _Again?_ ”

“I’m sorry,” Hakyeon said, his voice breaking. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”

“No it wasn’t, was it?” Minhyuk asked. He was breathing quickly. “No one was supposed to come home for hours. If I hadn’t checked on you no one would’ve found you until it was too late! That’s what you wanted, wasn’t it?” Hakyeon made a helpless gesture. Of course it was what he’d wanted, or he wouldn’t have done it. Minhyuk took a shaky breath, forcing back a scream.

“Hakyeonie… _why?_ ” he asked, and he saw Hakyeon flinch at the raw desperation in his voice. “Why did you do this? I know things have been rough lately, I _know,_ but…but I thought you were doing better. I thought—“ Minhyuk shook his head. He pressed a hand to his mouth to stifle his sob. “…I thought you said we were okay,” he whispered at last.

“I thought we were,” Hakyeon answered, his voice shaking as tears welled in his eyes. “I thought I was, for a while. But…I…” Minhyuk wondered why it was always so hard for Hakyeon to talk to him.

“Was it because of your mother?” he asked. Hakyeon winced. “I saw your phone. She left you a voicemail today. You were listening to it before you took those pills, so what did she say to you?”

“It wasn’t her,” Hakyeon whispered, staring at where his hands gripped the blankets so tightly his knuckles were white. “It was her phone, but it was my niece’s voice. I think Mom must’ve told her what to say. She was begging me to come home for Chuseok, saying that she knows I’m just sick, that’s all, and if I agree to get treated then I can come see them and play with them again because that’s all she wants, and—“ Hakyeon stopped speaking when Minhyuk grabbed his hand. Hakyeon was trembling. He’d gone even paler than before, and looked on the verge of throwing up as he recounted what had happened. Minhyuk squeezed his fingers.

“I’m sorry, Hakyeonie,” he whispered, his anger forgotten.

“It wasn’t just her,” Hakyeon confessed. “She put them all on, her and all my nephews, and they all said the same things. Except my oldest nephew, he said he didn’t want to see me, because I disgusted him, and I’d better get treated if I ever wanted to come home…” Minhyuk clenched his teeth. What a horrible thing…what a terrible, horrible thing Hakyeon’s family had done to him. Even if most of the children who had spoken to him on the phone were too young to realize what they were doing, it was vile.

How dare they hurt Hakyeon like that? But even so…

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry they did that to you,” Minhyuk said meaningfully. “But Hakyeonie, please…why didn’t you call me? Why didn’t you call Dr. Lee? Someone, anyone, why did you hurt yourself instead…” Minhyuk’s body convulsed as he bit back another sob. Hakyeon looked at him with such sorrow Minhyuk thought they both might break from it.

“I couldn’t call you,” he said softly. “It’s not fair for me to rely on you…” Minhyuk’s eyes widened.

“Not fair?” he gasped incredulously. “Hakyeonie, I’m your _partner._ I’d be your husband if I could! I’m the person you should be able to rely on more than anyone else! How the hell is it not fair?”

“Because you shouldn’t be my partner!” Hakyeon cried. “You shouldn’t be my husband! You shouldn’t have to stay by my side when it hurts you.” Minhyuk shook his head.

“Hurts me? Hakyeonie, I love you! I’m only hurt when you’re hurt.”

“Why?” Hakyeon asked, sounding exasperated. “Why do you love me? You’re not gay, Minhyukie, you don’t have to live a life like this!” Minhyuk withdrew his hand from Hakyeon’s. No, not this again…but Hakyeon continued. “You said yourself you like women as much as men. So _why_ are you putting yourself through this? Forget about me, you deserve better than this shitty life!”

_“No I don’t!”_ Minhyuk yelled, causing Hakyeon to jump. Minhyuk’s breathing was ragged as he continued. “I don’t deserve better, because no one could possibly deserve better than what I have now, Hakyeon, because it’s the greatest thing I could ever imagine. And do you know why?” Hakyeon shook his head, looking lost. Minhyuk took a steadying breath.

“Because I love you. I love you more than anything else in the goddamn world and I don’t want to find someone else. You think if you died I’d get over you and marry some girl? You think I could be happy? No. Fuck no. I don’t want anyone else, and if you kill yourself I will never forgive you if you think you were doing me a favor.” Hakyeon stared at him, speechless. Minhyuk was breathing hard, his face flushed from emotion. He forced himself to calm enough to take Hakyeon’s hand again. Heavy tears slid down Minhyuk’s cheeks.

“It’s _my_ life,” Minhyuk said softly, imploring Hakyeon to understand his feelings. “And I want to spend it with you. When you’re smiling beside me, pain can’t touch me. You think I’m upset by those anti-fans? You think I’m upset by the ignorant words of random people on the internet? Anytime any of that gets to me, all I have to do is take one look at you; just one look, and I can smile, because I know none of those people will ever have something as special as what we have. They’ll never know how beautiful it is. They’ll never know what it feels like to be absolutely willing to give your entire soul to someone else. But I know, and you know, and that’s enough to keep me happy for the rest of my life.” Minhyuk could feel a tremor in Hakyeon’s hand, so he squeezed it tight.

“If I’ve seemed sad lately, it’s only because I was worried about you,” Minhyuk continued. “You’re like a part of me—I feel what you feel. I wasn’t bothered by the anti-fans because of what they said to me. I was bothered because of what they said to you.”

“But I’m the same,” Hakyeon cut in. “They can say what they want to me, but when I saw what they said to you—“

“I know,” Minhyuk said firmly. “I know. And that’s why you feel like you’re being selfish for staying with me. But you’re not. Please, Hakyeonie, you’re not. All I want is you, and I can’t—“ Minhyuk had to stop speaking for a moment, as his voice was shaking too much. “…I don’t think I can keep it together if I lose you like this. If you ever decide it’s right to break up with me…if that’s really what you want, then I’ll do it. But if you _die,_ Cha Hakyeon, if you end your own life…” _It’ll be the end of mine too._

Minhyuk didn’t say that last part aloud. He couldn’t put that kind of pressure and guilt on Hakyeon. But he felt it in his heart; if Hakyeon committed suicide, Minhyuk would never, _ever_ recover. Hakyeon squeezed his hand back for the first time. Minhyuk looked up, blinking away his tears so he could see his partner’s face.

“I don’t want to break up with you,” Hakyeon whispered. That was never what he’d wanted, and he needed Minhyuk to know that.

“I don’t want to break up either.” Minhyuk looked at him with utter conviction. “I want to be with you, Hakyeonie. And I want you to know that you can never hurt me by staying by my side. I love you too much to worry about the words of anyone else. I love you, and I want to spend my life with you, and that’s all there is. So please, _please…_ never hurt yourself again with me in mind. I’m begging you. Please.” Hakyeon took a deep breath, his chest shaking, tears still slipping down his damp cheeks.

“Okay.” Minhyuk touched his forehead to Hakyeon’s hand, that one word making him shiver with relief. A moment later he raised his head, wiping at his eyes.

“I know you didn’t just try to kill yourself because of me and those stupid anti-fans,” he added then. “I know your family’s call probably pushed you over the edge, right?” Hakyeon dropped his eyes, and nodded. “I’m so sorry, Hakyeonie. I wish I could do something about them. I would give anything to change their minds.”

“I know you would,” Hakyeon said softly. Minhyuk kissed his hand.

“I know this might not help much right now, but you know…you still have a family.” He felt Hakyeon convulse as he bit back a sob, and continued. “I know it’s not the same, but me, the VIXX members, all the friends who have stayed beside you…we’re a family. We’re _your_ family, and we love you unconditionally.” He heard Hakyeon’s breath catch.

“And I know it’s painful, it’s impossibly painful, to be separated from your parents’ family,” Minhyuk continued. “But don’t give up hope. Your niece and nephews are young right now. They’re dumb, impressionable kids. But someday they’ll grow up and they’ll realize that what they did to you today was horrible, because you’re still Uncle Hakyeon, and they still love you, and I truly believe that one day, at least some of them will realize that.” Hakyeon was silent for a long while, trembling as he struggled to keep from breaking down.

“You really think that?” he asked.

“I really do,” Minhyuk promised. Hakyeon closed his eyes.

“It’s such a long time to wait,” he whispered. Minhyuk stood and gently wrapped his arms around Hakyeon’s slight frame, and held him tight.

“I know,” Minhyuk murmured. “But I’ll wait with you the whole time. I’ll stay by your side and I’ll wait with you as long as it takes. And so will VIXX, and so will our friends, and everyone who loves you…we’ll wait with you. And even if we have to wait forever, at least you can know that you waited with people who love you so much they _chose_ to be your family.” Hakyeon returned Minhyuk’s hug, his tears dampening Minhyuk’s shirt.

“Thank you.”


	18. Family

 

Hakyeon took a deep breath, his fingers white where they gripped the sheets. VIXX was about to come in, and he didn’t know what in the all the world he was going to say to them. What could he say? They hadn’t asked for an explanation the first time Hakyeon did this, that day on the cliffs, because they’d understood. Hakyeon had practically been in another state of consciousness then. His first attempt wasn’t premeditated, it was an impulse. But this…this was more, it was much more, and he couldn’t even imagine how he was going to explain it.

The door opened, and it took all Hakyeon had to swallow his shame enough to raise his head. The members filed in one by one, and Hakyeon was expecting them to be hurt and angry, like Minhyuk had been when he first saw him. To his surprise, Hyuk came in first. He practically ran to Hakyeon’s bed, and before Hakyeon could so much as blink his maknae’s arms were around him, Hyuk tackling him and nearly knocking Hakyeon out of the bed with the force of his hug.

_“Hyung,”_ Hyuk breathed, squeezing hard enough to make Hakyeon’s ribs groan. He was trembling almost imperceptibly. Hakyeon returned the hug haltingly, his limbs stiff with surprise. “Oh my god, I’m so glad you’re okay,” Hyuk continued, burying his face in Hakyeon’s shirt. Hakyeon looked up at the other members, hoping for an explanation. Hyuk never acted like this.

But his members didn’t seem to share his surprise. Every one of them was looking at Hakyeon with tears in their eyes, relief and grief warring for control of their expressions. The other members came around the bed and sat down on the mattress, forming a ring around Hakyeon. Only Leo remained standing, gazing at Hakyeon with glistening eyes, his face conflicted.

“…Are you okay?” he asked, his voice even softer than usual. Hakyeon stared up at him, but didn’t answer. He didn’t know how to answer that question. Leo dropped his eyes. “Sorry. I don’t know why I asked that,” he murmured.

“We should’ve known you weren’t okay,” Ravi said then, his voice ragged. “I don’t know why we didn’t see it, why—why _I_ didn’t see it.” Ravi looked furious with himself, and Hakyeon placed a gentle hand on his arm, hoping to comfort.

“You did though, didn’t you?” he asked softly. “Minhyukie told me you were the one who called him.”

“And what if I hadn’t?” Ravi asked, looking at Hakyeon with anguish, his features contorted in guilt. “I almost didn’t, if you hadn’t said “Goodbye” I might not have…” Ravi shuddered, his deep voice cracking like a child’s with sorrow. “God I’m so sorry, hyung. I’m…just…” Ravi shook his head, beyond words. He was gripping Hakyeon’s hand so tightly it hurt, but Hakyeon couldn’t bring himself to draw away.

“It wasn’t your fault,” he whispered.

“Then whose was it?” Hongbin asked. Like Hyuk, he was rarely one for strong displays of emotion; but now he was crying, his lips quivering as fought to keep his expression under control. “There are five of us,” Hongbin continued, gesturing around the room. “How could not one of us have noticed what you were feeling? How could not one of us have seen this coming?” Hakyeon looked around in disbelief. They looked guilty, all his members looked guilty. How could even one of them think they were at fault? It was Hakyeon’s decision, his choice to put them through this!

“What…what are you all doing?” he asked, his voice unsteady. “Why are you all blaming yourselves?” The members exchanged looks, seeming vaguely surprised at Hakyeon’s question.

“It’s none of your fault! How can you be like this? Aren’t you upset with me?” Hakyeon asked incredulously. “I scared you, I hurt you…one of you was going to have to find me if it worked! I would’ve scarred you for life.” Hakyeon put his face in his hands, overwhelmed. “I’m supposed to be your leader, what the hell am I doing…” He was mumbling to himself now. He couldn’t believe that, on top of everything else, he’d made his members feel guilty for what he’d done. It was unbearable.

Hakyeon felt a hand on his back then. “What do you mean, hyungie?” Hyuk murmured in his ear. “You’re still our leader. You always will be.” Hakyeon almost laughed at that, even as his eyes began to sting. Like hell…he was no leader, not anymore. Hakyeon raised his head, only to see his members still staring at him with worry and fear, sorrow and conflict. He’d done this to them. Hakyeon had done this to them, and that was after he’d _survived_ his suicide attempt. How much worse would it have been if he’d actually died…?

Hakyeon shuddered, his breath catching in his throat. The members all made concerned noises, moving towards him automatically. “I had no right to do this to you,” Hakyeon gasped, his members’ faces blurring in front of him. “No leader would hurt you like this; no leader would _leave_ you like this. I…I’m sorry.” Hakyeon bent over himself, his hand clutching the cloth of his hospital gown over his heart, as the muscle seemed to be ripping itself to bloody shreds in his chest. A familiar sense of panic—the result of months of anxiety—had begun to sink its claws into his diaphragm, and he couldn’t breathe.

Hyuk had pulled back a few moments ago, but now it was Ken who reached forward and snaked his arms around Hakyeon’s body, pulling Hakyeon against him. “I’m sorry,” Hakyeon sobbed. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” Several members made gentle shushing sounds. Ken held him firmly, rocking back and forth, and pressed his lips to Hakyeon’s hair.

“You don’t need to say sorry to us,” Ken murmured after a moment, his voice muffled. “I won’t pretend to understand what you were feeling when you did this; and I won’t pretend that it didn’t hurt me. But what I do understand, Hakyeon-hyung, is that you would never hurt us if you thought you had another choice.” Ken tightened his hug, burying his face in Hakyeon’s neck. “You’re in too much pain to be beating yourself up right now, so please…please don’t cry because of us.”

“We won’t cry because of you either,” Hyuk piped up then, his voice tinged with desperation. “We know you don’t want to see it, so…if you stay with us, hyungie, we won’t cry. Okay? Just stay with us now, and no one has to cry…okay?” Hakyeon looked up, still gasping. Hyuk was crying himself, but Hakyeon could tell he was fighting it, trying his hardest to sit up straight and hold Hakyeon’s gaze with surety. He was begging Hakyeon to stay with them, not to do this again…Hakyeon looked around and saw a similar plea shining in every one of his members’ eyes.

How had he ever justified this to himself? The pain that radiated from his members’ in waves right now would be a thousand times sharper if he’d died. It would be a pain they’d never fully recover from…how could Hakyeon ever have thought he could leave them like this? He couldn’t do this to them again.

Hakyeon sat up straighter and wiped his eyes. His heaving chest still ached and his body still shook with a pain far too deep to be physical. But still he forced himself to breathe, and to look at his members unflinchingly. “Okay,” he agreed at last. “I don’t want to see you cry, so…so I won’t cry over you either. Deal?” To his surprise, a few members offered watery smiles then, their shoulders slumping with relief.

“Deal.” Leo stepped forward, gently nudging Hongbin aside so he could take a seat on the bed. He reached forward and took Hakyeon’s free hand. “Do you remember what I said to you, that day when we found you with those awful men?” Hakyeon nodded shakily, but Leo continued anyway. “I said we’d never leave you alone.” Leo tilted his chin, a familiar challenge in his eyes. It was a challenge for himself, and for the members—a challenge to protect Hakyeon better this time so that he would never try to hurt himself again. “I said we’re on your side forever, Hakyeonie. And I meant it. We all meant it.” The members nodded. Leo squeezed his hand.

“I know there are a lot of reasons why you did this, and there were a lot of people who pushed you to it. But I will fight with _everything_ I have not to let them push you again.”

“We all will,” Ken agreed then. “We’ve been too passive. We should’ve stood up to the anti-fans more, we should’ve voiced our support for you and Minhyuk-hyung more, we should’ve—“ Hakyeon put his hand over Ken’s to calm him, to quiet him.

“I don’t want you to get yourselves in trouble,” Hakyeon murmured. Ken smiled gently, his eyes shimmering.

“All the trouble in the world is worth it for you,” he said softly. Hakyeon felt his heart stir with a sudden, surprising warmth. The love in Ken’s voice just now took his breath away. All the trouble in the world…they were never going to give up on him, were they? Not for all the trouble in the world…

Hakyeon sighed and leaned against the pillows, overwhelmed with exhaustion from everything that had happened in the last few days. His members moved closer, piling on top of him in a group hug until Hakyeon was practically smothered. It felt nice, though, to be smothered like this. Hakyeon closed his eyes, relaxing into the warmth of his members. And even though he’d been gasping only minutes ago, and even with the weight of five grown men pressing on his chest, Hakyeon thought in that moment that he hadn’t breathed so easy in a long time.

 

 

 

Minhyuk got out of the car and slammed the door. Today was the first day of Chuseok, and he’d already called his family and told them that he was sorry, but he wouldn’t be able to make it today. Hakyeon was in the hospital on suicide watch, so Minhyuk wouldn’t be bringing him home either. His family had understood completely, and told him to stay with Hakyeon. Minhyuk planned to do exactly that when he got back to the hospital. But the VIXX members were keeping Hakyeon company at the moment, and there was something Minhyuk needed to do.

He’d never been here before, but he’d gotten the address from Hakyeon’s phone. Before him was a simple looking home, middle-sized and quaintly decorated. As Minhyuk trudged up the stone walkway, he reflected that there was nothing particularly assuming about the building, or the yard, or any of it, really; and that seemed strange, given what lay on the other side. The front door was made of dark wood, and made a solid _thunking_ noise when Minhyuk knocked on it. A few moments later a little girl answered, and Minhyuk gave her a friendly smile. “Hello.” The girl’s eyes widened.

“I know you!” she exclaimed. “You’re Uncle Hakyeon’s boyfriend!” Minhyuk nodded.

“May I come in, please? I need to speak to your grandparents.” The girl looked hesitant.

“Grandma doesn’t like you. I don’t think she’ll want to see you.”

“I know,” Minhyuk said. “But I’m here for Hakyeonie, and it’s really important. Can’t you please just let me see them?” The girl pursed her lips, seeming ready to refuse. “Please. Your Uncle Hakyeon is in trouble.” The girl looked suddenly worried, and Minhyuk wanted to smile.

_See, Hakyeonie?_ he thought. _They do still care about you_.

“Well, if he’s in trouble…” The little girl pulled back the door and allowed him inside. Minhyuk thanked her, removed his shoes, and followed her into the main house. Hakyeon’s whole family was gathered in one room. Minhyuk felt intimated by all the eyes that fell on him as he entered, and the silence that ensued. But he’d come here with determination, and he wasn’t going to lose that now.

“What the hell are you doing here?” a woman hissed. Minhyuk recognized her instantly. Hakyeon’s mother. “Out! Get out,” she said immediately, moving towards him. But Minhyuk stood his ground, even as he lowered himself into a respectful bow.

“Not until I’ve spoken with you. Please. I have something very important I need to say.”

“I’m not interested in _anything_ you have to say,” the woman said with venom. “You’re the whole reason Hakyeonie won’t come home. You’re why he thinks it’s okay to be sick! You’re the reason he chose his perversion over his family!”

“It’s not a perversion!” Minhyuk exclaimed, still in his bow. “And he didn’t choose me over you. And he’s not sick; but he is in the hospital right now.”

“What do you mean?”

“Hakyeonie’s on suicide watch, because he tried to kill himself yesterday.” Minhyuk heard a sharp intake of breath sweep the room.

“What?” a younger woman asked, one of Hakyeon’s sisters. Minhyuk got to his feet.

“He got your voicemail,” Minhyuk said, giving Hakyeon’s mother a dark look. Seeing her in person, looking so offended and so oblivious to what she’d done, Minhyuk felt his composure slip. Suddenly he was speaking quickly, saying more than he’d intended to.

“Even though you almost killed him once, when you came to that photo-shoot and told him he wasn’t your son anymore…even though you did that, he was getting better. He was finally smiling again. And then you used his nieces and nephews to remind him that his own family will never accept him for who he is. You made him feel like he was wrong, like he didn’t deserve happiness or love; you made him feel like it was selfish for him to keep living in a world where he didn’t belong, and where he couldn’t change the thing that you hated him for no matter how hard he tried. So he waited until he knew VIXX had left the dorm and took a bottle of pills and if Wonshik hadn’t asked me to check up on him that day he would be dead right now.”

Hakyeon’s family stood still and silent, shocked by Minhyuk’s words. Minhyuk was breathing hard, angry tears swimming in his eyes. He was so furious as he remembered how these people had hurt Hakyeon, he could barely speak his next words.

“You had no idea, did you?” he asked, glaring at Hakyeon’s now pale-faced mother. “You had no idea what you did to your son. Did you know this was his second suicide attempt?” The people in the room gasped again.

“That’s right,” Minhyuk continued. “The first time was the day you came to the photo-shoot site. After you left Hakyeonie went for a walk. He walked right up to the edge of those cliffs and was in the middle of stepping off when Taekwoon just barely managed to grab him and drag him back.” Several people in the room raised hands to their mouths, looking horrified.

“And that wasn’t the end of it,” Minhyuk continued. “The things you said to him…He couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t eat. You made him feel so guilty for liking me that he was afraid to even touch me. Do you know how much it hurts to be afraid to touch the person you love? We had to convince him to go to a therapist, and it took a long time to get him back. You broke him, and when he asked for your help you turned him away. But despite that, despite all the people who tried to keep him in pieces, he was starting to put himself back together. But then you called him yesterday, and you broke him again, and this time I really don’t know if anyone can fix it.” Hakyeon’s family was utterly silent. No one knew what to say, not even the little children. Several people turned their heads to look at Hakyeon’s mother.

“…I don’t believe you,” she said eventually, almost in a whisper. Minhyuk had been prepared for that. He reached into his pocket and withdrew a business card he had taken from the hospital. He held it out.

“Then call them. Call the hospital yourself and ask them if they have your son,” he said. Hakyeon’s mother stared at the card, but made no move to take it. Eventually one of Hakyeon’s sisters stepped forward and snatched it. She looked it over, her brows creasing in worry when she realized it was authentic.

“Mom,” she murmured, showing her the card. Her mother waved it away.

“Why would they not have called me?” she argued. “I’m his mother, if something like this happens they’re supposed to call me first!”

“You’re not his emergency contact anymore,” Minhyuk explained. “You’re the one, more than any other one person, who drove him to end up in that hospital in the first place. Why would he want them to call _you?”_

“Excuse me, young man, but that’s enough. You can’t speak to my wife like that,” Hakyeon’s father said, finally stepping forward angrily. Minhyuk held up his hands in a placating gesture.

“Look, I’m not here to fight, okay? Believe it or not, I didn’t come here to yell at any of you.” Hakyeon’s mother made a disbelieving noise.

“After the things you said? After how you marched in here and immediately started accusing me of driving my own son to suicide? Who the hell do you think you are?”

“I’m someone who loves your son, and I only want what’s best for him,” Minhyuk countered.

“If you loved him, you wouldn’t allow him to keep thinking that he’s in love with _you!_ ” Hakyeon’s father snapped. Minhyuk shook his head.

“That’s not true. We love each other and there’s nothing wrong with that. Now please, please, just listen to me for one minute. I know I came in here sounding angry and accusatory. But I just wanted to try to make you understand how Hakyeon’s feeling so you’ll listen to my request.” Hakyeon’s parents regarded him warily.

“What request?” Minhyuk lowered his head, once again dropping into a respectful bow.

“Please, for the sake of your son…either accept Hakyeon as he is, or leave him alone.” He heard more sharp breaths, and an offended gasp.

“How dare you call that a “request!”” Hakyeon’s father growled. “He’s our son, who are you to tell us what to do with him?”

“I’m not telling, I’m asking,” Minhyuk said, his voice strained with desperation. “Hakyeonie’s almost died twice, and I’m scared. His friends are scared. We don’t want to lose him, and as much as he thinks you hate him, I know you don’t want that either.” Minhyuk looked up at Hakyeon’s parents imploringly.

“Please…between his own family rejecting him, the tabloids and the anti-fans, and all the people who tell him every day that he’s going to hell, that he should die, that he’s disgusting and a pervert and an abomination and they hate him, all because of who he loves…Hakyeonie can’t take much more. He can’t. So either love your son for who he is, or let him go. Hakyeon’s a person, not a doll for you to change at your own whim. No matter how hard you try to bend him to your will, it’s not going to work. He’s never going to bend; but he will break, and then we’ll all lose someone we love.” Minhyuk bowed his head again.

“I am begging you, please. If it hurts you to know your son is in pain…if the thought of him taking his own life means anything to you, please…don’t do this to him again. Love him, or let him go. But don’t do this to him again.” Minhyuk could see where his tears were leaving wet spots on the floor beneath him. He was desperate, so desperate for these people to listen to him. Had any of what he’d said gotten through? It was quiet for a long moment. Then Hakyeon’s father spoke, his voice barely audible.

“Get out.” Minhyuk slowly stood. He’d said all he could say. Now he could only hope that at least one person in this room had listened. He turned to leave, but paused in the doorway.

“Visiting hours are 8 a.m. to 10 p.m.,” he said softly. “Just so you know.” Then Minhyuk recovered his shoes and walked out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At this point I would like to issue apology #2 to Hakyeon's mother (and his father). They're lovely people! This is only a fictional representation and in no way intended to be accurate! (Just felt like I needed to say that again...>.>) Sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Cha. Your son is a treasure. Thank you for raising him. *Bows of apology and respect*
> 
> As always, thanks for reading!


	19. I'm Sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a longer chapter than usual, but I couldn't find a way to split it up that I liked, so...here you go!

 

The press swarmed outside like a cloud of flies as the VIXX members stepped out of the hospital, having just said goodbye to Hakyeon for the day. They were instantly surrounded, though the members’ manager and bodyguards held them back. The reporters shouted questions and waved microphones, but the members all did their best to ignore them.

However, when one young man shoved his microphone in Ken’s face and asked, “Ken-ssi, what do you think about the people who say N-ssi deserved to commit suicide because of his sexuality?” Ken froze. No, that man had _not_ just asked him that. Ken balled his hands into fists.

He couldn’t take this anymore. He couldn’t ignore these sick people anymore. Not after he’d seen Hakyeon looking so pale and ashamed in that hospital bed, not after he’d cried in front of them, not after the way he’d felt so small and frail in Ken’s arms…Ken couldn’t take it. He’d promised Hakyeon he wouldn’t be passive anymore, and he intended to keep that promise. He clenched his teeth, abandoning his celebrity resolve.

“You want to know what I think?” he hissed. The reporter’s face lit up at getting a reaction. VIXX’s manager put a firm hand on his shoulder in warning, but Ken shrugged it off. What this reporter had just done was unforgivable, and Ken was going to let him know.

“I think vultures like you and your insensitivity and your tabloid-generating _bullshit_ are half the reason Hakyeon-hyung ended up in there in the first place,” Ken snapped, his tone venomous as he pointed back toward the hospital. The reporter paled, and his surprise only made Ken angrier. Yes, the reporter was right—there were people who said Hakyeon deserved to die. There were a lot of people, and the members all knew that. But it was snakes like the man in front of him who took those monsters and sensationalized their vile words.

Ken leaned threateningly close to the reporter. “So find your humanity, and back the hell off. Leave Hakyeon-hyung alone. And for gods’ sake, show some shame at your selfish eagerness to sensationalize someone’s suicide attempt. Hakyeon-hyung’s life is not a goddamn game, and if he hadn’t survived this, every one of you would have blood on your hands!” Ken raised his voice at that last part, looking around at every reporter, all of who were now staring at him in silence.

Ken dropped his death glare to the white-faced young man in front of him again, and hissed, “Now get the hell out of our way.” The reporters parted for the VIXX members like water over a stone, allowing them a clear path to their car. The members climbed inside and slammed their doors, and their manager pulled out of the parking lot.

“You shouldn’t have done that, Jaehwan,” he said quietly as he drove.

“I don’t care,” Ken snapped, staring out the window. “They deserved to hear that.”

“I know they did,” the manager agreed. “But it may not have been the best thing for Hakyeon.” Ken sighed heavily.

“I know. I’ll apologize to him as soon as I see him again.” Ravi patted Ken encouragingly.

“For the record,” he murmured, too quietly for their manager to hear, “I think you did the right thing.” The other members nodded.

“Thank you,” Hyuk agreed, patting Ken as well. Ken gave them a small, tired smile.

“You’re welcome. I just hope Hakyeon-hyung feels the same.” Leo turned in his seat to face Ken, his face honest and serious.

“I think he will,” he assured them.

 

……………………………………………………………………….

  

Minhyuk laid his head on the edge of Hakyeon’s bed, blinking sleepily as he brushed his thumb over the back of his partner’s hand. He’d gone straight to the hospital the moment he got back to Seoul, though he still hadn’t told Hakyeon he’d gone all the way to Changwon to see his family. Minhyuk had simply said he had something very important to take care of, too important to wait, and Hakyeon had trusted him. Still though, Minhyuk felt incredibly guilty for leaving Hakyeon while he was in the hospital like this, even though he’d made sure Hakyeon’s closest friends would keep him company the whole time. He was immensely relieved now to be back at Hakyeon’s side—even if he was struggling to keep his eyes open.

“You look tired. Why don’t you rest?” Hakyeon asked.

“But I was gone all day,” Minhyuk protested, though his voice was heavy with fatigue.

“You’ve been sitting with me for hours,” Hakyeon replied. “I’ll feel better if you rest.” His tone was gentle, his eyes earnest. “Please? Just a little?” He squeezed Minhyuk’s fingers.

“Well…alright,” Minhyuk agreed. He felt a bit reluctant, but if it was what Hakyeon wanted, he’d do it. Hakyeon smiled at him.

“Thank you.” Minhyuk closed his eyes, and the world faded rapidly as sleep overtook him in moments.

*****************

            _“Minhyukie.” Minhyuk opened his eyes to darkness. He was lying in bed, and had been somewhere between sleeping and waking, and teetering more towards sleep—until Hakyeon had woken him up._

_“Yes?” he asked drowsily._

_“I can’t sleep,” Hakyeon complained._

_“Really?” Minhyuk had been falling asleep with ease. He’d thought Hakyeon would be as tired as he was from the night’s activities. Then again, Hakyeon was a strange combination of a night owl and a morning person, and sometimes Minhyuk still had no idea when exactly he slept._

_“Really,” Hakyeon insisted. Minhyuk yawned._

_“Well, try counting to ten thousand.” Hakyeon gave a frustrated huff._

_“That never works.” His tone took on a playful pout. “Come on, you have to help me.” Minhyuk sat up a little, rubbing his eyes._

_“What do you want me to do about it?” Hakyeon was quiet for a moment. Then he made a sound of revelation._

_“I have an idea,” he said suddenly. He threw back the sheets and slipped out of bed. Minhyuk waited, bewildered, while Hakyeon dug for something in his closet. Finding it, he climbed back into bed and pulled the sheets over both of them. He tucked the edges beneath the pillows, effectively forming a tent over the two of them. Then he switched on the item he’d retrieved. The sheet-tent filled with orange light, and Minhyuk realized it was a tiny camping lantern that Hakyeon had placed on the mattress between them. Minhyuk looked at his partner questioningly. Hakyeon rested his head on his arm and smiled._

_“Let’s tell stories.” Minhyuk blinked, surprised. Then he started to laugh. Hakyeon wanted to tell stories? If they weren’t naked from the night’s earlier activities, Minhyuk would have felt like a kid at a sleepover._

_“What?” Hakyeon asked. Minhyuk quieted, and stared at his partner contemplatively through sleep-heavy lids. Minhyuk had always thought Hakyeon had the most gorgeous skin, and the soft illumination cast over its smooth surface by the lantern made him glow like gold. Hakyeon was blinking tiredly, his black hair looking soft as feathery silk where it fell into his warm eyes. His smile was affectionate and hopeful as he waited for Minhyuk’s response. Minhyuk sighed and rested his head on his arm as Hakyeon had done, looking at Hakyeon with an impossible fondness._

_“Alright,” he replied. “What kind of stories?” Hakyeon brushed Minhyuk’s leg with his toe._

_“I want a scary story.” Minhyuk chuckled again. They really were at a slumber party right now, weren’t they?_

_“Are you sure? You need to sleep sometime tonight.”_

_“I can handle it,” Hakyeon scoffed. Minhyuk raised an eyebrow mischievously._

_“Oh really?” He reached for the lantern. “Then I’d better turn this off. It’ll be scarier in the dark.” Hakyeon swatted his hand away._

_“No! I said I wanted to hear a scary story, not die.” Minhyuk grinned and withdrew his hand. Hakyeon was a total scaredy-cat, and everyone knew it. He probably_ would _die without the lantern. But nevertheless, he wanted a story, and Minhyuk had plenty to offer._

 _“Okay. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.” He chose a story that had frightened him witless as a kid, and enjoyed the combination of excitement and terror that grew in Hakyeon’s eyes as he spoke. As the end neared, Minhyuk could tell Hakyeon was tense with anticipation, sensing something truly foreboding was coming. Minhyuk did his best to keep his face neutral, giving nothing away, as he built to the climax of the story. He reached the final sentence, speaking softly: “and she said…“it was you!””_ _He grabbed Hakyeon suddenly with one hand, using his other to cover Hakyeon’s mouth, stifling the frightened cry he knew his partner would give. Hakyeon jerked, shrieking into Minhyuk’s hand as he flailed away. Minhyuk burst into laughter, shoving his face in his pillow to muffle the sound._

_“I knew something like that was coming,” Hakyeon hissed, sounding simultaneously amused and shaken. He sliced at Minhyuk’s neck with his hand like he did with his members when they annoyed him. Minhyuk flinched under the strike, grinning._

_“You asked for it,” he reminded him. Hakyeon covered his face with his hands and kicked at the sheets in a fuss._

_“Ahh, now I’m never gonna fall asleep!” he complained. Still chuckling, Minhyuk moved the lantern out of the way. Then he grabbed Hakyeon and pulled him close, causing Hakyeon to give a startled little squeak._

_“Are you too scared now?” he asked, brushing Hakyeon’s bangs from his eyes. Minhyuk hooked their legs together and wrapped his free arm around Hakyeon’s torso so they were as close as they possibly could be. Hakyeon blinked, his surprise fading to something softer as Minhyuk wound their limbs together._

_“I…might be,” Hakyeon murmured, sounding distracted. His gaze fell to Minhyuk’s lips, and then rose back up to his eyes. Minhyuk kissed him tenderly, understanding his desire._

_“Well, don’t be. It was just a story; and besides, if anything scary comes I’ll protect you with my life. Okay?” Hakyeon gave a soft laugh. He pressed his forehead to Minhyuk’s, and Minhyuk was again overwhelmed by an almost unbearable fondness for the person in his arms._

_“Then you're right. I have nothing to worry about,” Hakyeon said, and his voice was so warm, so loving, that Minhyuk couldn’t help but hug him so tight Hakyeon gasped. Minhyuk kissed him again._

_“Thank you for telling me a story,” Hakyeon murmured when he pulled away. Despite his complaints only moments ago, he was starting to sound rather sleepy. Minhyuk brushed his thumb soothingly over Hakyeon’s skin._

_“Of course. You know you can always ask me for things, right? Even if it’s the tiniest or the biggest problem in the world, I’ll help you with it, okay?” Hakyeon blinked slowly, again looking a little surprised by Minhyuk’s words. Minhyuk wasn’t sure himself what had led to him to go from playful to sincere so quickly. Maybe it was the setting. Their bodies were closely intertwined, Minhyuk’s face practically touching Hakyeon’s. His partner’s soft features were lit gently by the glow of the lantern, and with the way the sheet over their heads somehow made Minhyuk feel like they were the only two people in the world…with all of that, Minhyuk thought he’d never felt closer to Hakyeon. It was a warm, impossibly comfortable feeling, like nothing could be more right. Minhyuk wanted Hakyeon to know that he was willing to do anything to keep that feeling._

_“Anything?” Hakyeon asked._

_“Anything,” Minhyuk vowed. He knew both he and Hakyeon were worried about the future, though they didn’t often speak about it. Someday they’d have to come clean about their relationship, and they didn’t know what would happen to their careers and their personal lives when they did. But no matter how rough things got, Minhyuk was determined to see them through with Hakyeon’s hand in his. “You’ll never have to go through painful things alone. No matter what happens in the future, I’ll stay by you like this and I’ll help you through anything. Okay?”_

_Hakyeon’s eyes searched his face, and Minhyuk saw the question in them. He wondered if Hakyeon was going to ask what had brought on Minhyuk’s sudden candidness. But he didn’t ask. He just smiled, the expression small and full of appreciation, adoration, love—an affection that took Minhyuk’s breath away. Hakyeon raised a hand and brushed Minhyuk’s cheek with the backs of his fingers._

_“Then I’ll do the same for you,” Hakyeon whispered, his gaze serious and tender. “And then we can get through anything.” Minhyuk smiled back, his lids heavy even as Hakyeon’s words filled him with warmth._

_“Anything,” he agreed. He kissed Hakyeon, slow, gentle, and deep. Hakyeon gave a sleepy sigh as their lips parted, and Minhyuk was pleased to see he had helped Hakyeon fall asleep after all, as he’d wanted._

_“I love you.”_

_“I love you too.” They were both wavering on the edge of consciousness now._

_“Goodnight,” Minhyuk murmured. Hakyeon nuzzled him, and then tucked his head to Minhyuk’s shoulder._

_“Goodnight.” Minhyuk laid his cheek against Hakyeon’s head and closed his eyes, a smile on his face._

_************************_

            Hakyeon looked over at Minhyuk as he made a small noise. He was smiling in his sleep. Hakyeon smiled too, relieved to see it. Minhyuk had finally fallen asleep with his head on the edge of Hakyeon’s hospital bed, having refused to leave his side since he got home from his trip earlier that day. Hakyeon brushed Minhyuk’s hair out of his eyes, taking care not to wake him. He’d been looking exhausted lately, and Hakyeon knew he needed rest.

He wondered where Minhyuk had been all day. Minhyuk probably would’ve told Hakyeon if he’d asked, but Hakyeon had sensed that whatever he was up to, he wasn’t ready to share it yet; so Hakyeon had chosen not to pry. If Minhyuk felt the need to leave him for several hours _now_ , before he’d even been released from the hospital, Hakyeon trusted that it was extremely important to him.

Hakyeon had originally thought that Minhyuk might’ve gone to see his family, maybe for a brief Chuseok visit and to apologize for having to miss the celebration. That theory had evaporated, though, when Minhyuk’s father showed up at the hospital unannounced. VIXX had kindly stepped out when they saw the look on Hakyeon’s face, allowing him to speak to the man in private.

Hakyeon hadn’t known what he’d been expecting from Minhyuk’s father when he saw him, but an apology certainly wasn’t it. So, when Minhyuk’s father dropped to his knees and bowed his head, begging Hakyeon to forgive him for what he’d said, Hakyeon had just stared blankly, not knowing how to respond.

“I’m very sorry, Hakyeon-ah,” Minhyuk’s father had said meaningfully. “To both of you. I thought I was doing a good thing by asking you to leave my son. I thought it was best for both of you if you stopped seeing each other. But I was wrong.” He’d raised his head then, his eyes swimming with guilt.

“If I’d known you’d do this…if I’d known you were feeling like this, Hakyeon, I wouldn’t have placed more pressure on you. Minhyuk has told us so much about you that even though we’ve hardly talked, I feel like I know you. Minhyuk says he thinks of you as his husband…you knew that, right?” Hakyeon just nodded, still speechless. Minhyuk’s father had taken a shaky breath. “Then that makes you my son-in-law. And that means that, by acting so recklessly, I may have had a hand in nearly killing my own son.” Hakyeon finally found his voice at that, the confession shocking him into speaking.

“No, please, it wasn’t your fault at all—“ he began, sputtering with surprise. But Minhyuk’s father had merely held up a hand, effectively silencing him, and it was only then that Minhyuk’s father’s words hit him: he’d called Hakyeon his son. His _son_ …Hakyeon had thought he wasn’t anyone’s son, not anymore. But this man had just said…well, he’d said otherwise.

Hakyeon’s shock had turned to wonder as he stared at the man before him. “It wasn’t my place to tell you to break up,” Minhyuk’s father continued. “When Minhyuk called us in tears, telling us what you’d done, crying that he’d almost lost you…I realized I almost lost him too. Minhyuk loves you, and you make him happier than anyone I’ve ever seen. He’s stronger than I’ve ever given him credit for, and I shouldn’t have assumed the pain of this scandal was greater than the joy he received by being by your side.” Minhyuk’s father had stood then, his eyes damp as he approached Hakyeon and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“I can’t justify myself anymore, Hakyeon. I can’t tell myself I’m helping my son if I try to tear him from the one person who’s made him smile in a way I’ve never seen before. Despite everything that’s happened, I think…I think you’re good for Minhyuk.” His father had said that last part softly, his voice heavy. All Hakyeon could do was stare. Hakyeon had thought that he was hurting Minhyuk the most, more than the anti-fans or the bigots or anyone else. And yet, Minhyuk’s own father had said Hakyeon was good—he was _good_ for Minhyuk. Someone besides Minhyuk himself had finally said it.

Suddenly Hakyeon had felt weak, limp with the relief those words brought him. Maybe he wasn’t fooling himself after all. Maybe it really was okay to give Minhyuk what he wanted, to let them stay together. Hakyeon hadn’t even noticed his eyes stinging until Minhyuk’s father had wrapped him in an unexpected hug.

“Don’t cry,” he’d said softly, speaking in Hakyeon’s ear. “I’m sorry for making this impossible situation even harder for you. I was wrong, Hakyeon, and I’m not afraid to admit that. I want you to know you have my blessing now, okay? Stay with my son. Anyone who can’t recognize that you two belong together is blind.” He’d pulled back then, and given Hakyeon the kind of smile only a father could give.

“Minhyuk told us your family still hasn’t changed their hearts—he says the loss of them is part of what drove you to end up here. So…while I can’t do anything about your birth family, I’d like you to know that you’re welcome to join ours.” Hakyeon’s eyes had gone wide, and his mouth had dropped open in disbelief. As kind as Minhyuk’s father was being then, Hakyeon never would’ve expected such complete acceptance, especially not after their last meeting. Minhyuk’s father had drawn back a little, looking surprisingly nervous.

“If you’re not comfortable accepting that, I won’t be offended,” he’d said quickly, playing with his hands. “But…while the law may say otherwise, Minhyuk says you’re his husband. And that makes you my son, simple as that. His mother feels the same too. So just know that, the next time one of these holidays rolls around, you don’t have to feel alone. You always have somewhere to go, Hakyeon-ah. You’re part of our family now, and we’re happy to have you.”

Hakyeon had been absolutely overwhelmed by the unexpected acceptance of Minhyuk’s father. He’d been convinced he’d lost his family forever, that he’d never really have one again the way other people did. But just like that, he had one; Hakyeon had a family again, and it was one that accepted him for who he was. He couldn’t believe it.

Minhyuk’s father had seemed to realize that Hakyeon was grateful despite his silence. He’d hugged Hakyeon again, apologized again, and called him “son” again before he’d left. Hakyeon had been left dazed, hardly able to speak to the VIXX members when they came back in. Minhyuk’s parents, the only people who might know Minhyuk better than even Hakyeon did, believed that Hakyeon was good for their son. They wanted Hakyeon and Minhyuk to stay together; they didn’t think it was selfish for Hakyeon to be with him, they thought it was right. And they _wanted_ him…they actually wanted Hakyeon in their family.

Hakyeon was still reeling from the encounter when Minhyuk returned from his trip. He hadn’t told his partner about the visit, and Minhyuk hadn’t asked, leading Hakyeon to believe that he didn’t know his father had come to the hospital. Hakyeon had decided to tell him later, when Minhyuk looked less fatigued.

Minhyuk was still smiling in his sleep now, so Hakyeon hoped he’d be in better spirits when he woke up. He’d tell him then, Hakyeon decided. He’d never told Minhyuk about his first conversation with his father either, but he knew Minhyuk had been aware of then tension between the two men. He’d be overjoyed to learn that his father now approved of Hakyeon and their relationship.

 _“I was wrong.”_ That’s what his father had said. Watching Minhyuk as he slept, Hakyeon allowed himself to wonder if he’d been wrong too. At the time, when he’d taken those pills, he’d been so certain he was doing the right thing. He was a burden to everyone and there was only one way to fix it. But seeing the aftermath of what he’d nearly done, the impact it had had on Minhyuk, and the VIXX members, and even his new father-in-law…if Hakyeon’s death would cause that much pain, then it couldn’t be right. The only question now was…was Hakyeon strong enough not to do the wrong thing?

Hakyeon reached forward to stroke Minhyuk’s hair again. Minhyuk’s smile had vanished, and now his sleeping face looked a little strained. Given the circumstances, his bad dream was probably related to Hakyeon. Hakyeon hoped it would turn sweet again soon, so he could see Minhyuk smile again. Hakyeon had missed his smile lately. He supposed that if he’d died, it probably would’ve been a long time before _anyone_ saw Minhyuk’s smile again.

Hakyeon sighed heavily, remembering Minhyuk’s father’s words. He’d said it wasn’t his place to force Hakyeon to give up Minhyuk. Then, was it really Hakyeon’s place to force Minhyuk to give up him? Hakyeon leaned back against the pillows, weary with sudden fatigue. Watching Minhyuk sleep was making him tired. He closed his eyes, listening to the sound of Minhyuk’s soft, even breathing. Maybe when Hakyeon woke up Minhyuk would smile for him again, and maybe seeing it would finally help Hakyeon answer that question once and for all.

Hakyeon relaxed against the sheets, slipping off to sleep with Minhyuk still dreaming beside him.

********************** 

            _Minhyuk didn’t know what had happened. One minute he was holding Hakyeon in his arms after telling him a scary story, and they were happy together. The next minute Hakyeon was gone, and Minhyuk felt his loss like a knife through his chest as his arms closed on thin air. Minhyuk sat up. The gentle orange light from the lantern had disappeared, and the room was suddenly dark and impossibly cold. Minhyuk shivered, looking around nervously._

_“Hakyeonie?” he called. Minhyuk threw back the covers. He was dressed now where he hadn't been before, but that didn’t really register as he noticed a light leaking in from a doorway across the room. Minhyuk instinctively knew it was a bathroom, even though there hadn’t been a bathroom connected to the bedroom before._

_Minhyuk stood, wrapping his arms around himself as his breath clouded the air. His bare feet felt like they were walking across ice as he slowly approached the bathroom door, which was open just a crack. Minhyuk felt his breath quicken, his whole body trembling with foreboding. There was something very bad on the other side of that door, and he knew it. He knew it, and he was afraid; but he had to look. If he didn’t look, something impossibly horrible was going to happen, he was sure. So Minhyuk reached out one shaking hand and slowly pushed open the door. It creaked as it swung inward, revealing the stark white interior of the bathroom. Minhyuk screamed._

_Hakyeon was sitting on the floor, his upper body draped over the edge of the in-floor bathtub. His head was limp, and his arms floated in water that was so red it looked like the whole tub was filled with blood. Minhyuk dropped to his knees beside him and yanked him out of the water. Hakyeon’s clothes were covered in blood too, and on each of his forearms Minhyuk could see a deep, violent gash. Red spilled from the cuts as Hakyeon blinked open his eyes, looking dazed._

_“Hakyeonie!” Minhyuk shrieked. “No, no, why did you do this, why?!” Minhyuk cast about desperately for a phone. Ambulance, he needed an ambulance. Hakyeon whispered his name. Minhyuk turned back to look at him. Hakyeon’s face was deathly pale, and his eyes swam with tears._

_“You said you’d help me.” Hakyeon’s voice was soft, but the accusation in it cut through Minhyuk’s soul like Hakyeon had cut through his own wrists._

_“I tried!” Minhyuk cried. Hakyeon shook his head weakly._

_“You promised.” Minhyuk gripped him, trembling with desperation._

_“I tried, Hakyeonie, I swear! I didn’t know what to do! I didn’t know how to help you through this! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please, just let me take you to a hospital. I’ll help you, I swear I will!” Hakyeon blinked, looking like he was seconds from passing out._

_“You can’t help me,” he murmured. “It’s better this way…”_

_“I can help you!” Minhyuk insisted, his voice cracking. “I promise I’ll help you. I’ll protect you and I won’t let anyone hurt you again. I swear, I_ swear! _I’ll do anything,_ anything _, so please…stay with me Hakyeonie, please…” Minhyuk shook uncontrollably as he bowed his head. His hands were warm and wet, coated in Hakyeon’s blood. He could hear Hakyeon’s soft, ragged breaths growing weaker every second. Hakyeon slipped his frail fingers under Minhyuk’s chin and raised his head. He said nothing, just stared at Minhyuk with a piercing combination of resignation and disappointment._

_“Please…” Minhyuk whispered. He could see the light fading in Hakyeon’s eyes. “I love you.” Hakyeon gave him a strange look then. His lids lowered and his lips parted. It was almost the same face Hakyeon made when they were making love, the face Minhyuk dreamt of with a smile. But Hakyeon was too pale, and his eyes too dark, for that to be the face Minhyuk loved. Hakyeon spoke, his breath soft against Minhyuk’s skin._

_“Then you should have kept your promise.” Minhyuk went rigid, even as Hakyeon’s body fell limp in his arms, his eyes slipping closed forever._

_“No. NO!” Minhyuk grabbed Hakyeon and shook him, desperate to bring him back. “Wake up, Hakyeon, please, wake up!” But Hakyeon was like a ragdoll in his hands, and Minhyuk knew he wasn’t going to wake up. Minhyuk pulled his lifeless body to him and held him tight, rocking back and forth as he screamed his sorrow and loss._

_“I’m sorry,” Minhyuk sobbed, even though he knew Hakyeon would never hear his words. “I’m sorry, Hakyeonie, I’m sorry. It’s my fault, I should’ve kept my promise…” Why couldn’t Minhyuk help him? He would have traded his soul for Hakyeon’s happiness; he loved him more than he’d ever known he could love anyone, so how? How was it that he couldn’t help him? How was it that Minhyuk had failed?_

_'_ That’s right,' _Minhyuk thought. '_ I failed him.' _He’d failed, and it was too late, and now all Minhyuk could do was apologize to the corpse of his soul mate. Hakyeon was already growing cold in his arms, but Minhyuk wasn’t going to let him go. He would never let him go. He’d stay here forever because he couldn’t leave Hakyeon alone and he deserved to spend his life on his knees. Minhyuk cradled Hakyeon to him, whispering the same phrase again and again: “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”_

_**********************_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case anyone is left confused, the parts in italics are what Minhyuk is dreaming while he's sleeping next to Hakyeon in the hospital.


	20. Don't Say You're Sorry

_............_

_...failed him...I failed him..._

_"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry"_

_**************************_

 

Minhyuk jerked awake, sitting up with a sharp intake of breath. He looked around, blinking, startled by his unfamiliar surroundings. But then Minhyuk’s memory returned, and he realized he was sitting in a chair beside a hospital bed. Hakyeon was asleep, and Minhyuk had been sleeping too, his head resting beside Hakyeon’s hand.

            _Sleeping…_ so that was a dream. Just a dream. Hakyeon was right beside Minhyuk, and he was alive, Minhyuk knew he was because he could see his chest rising and falling as he breathed. Minhyuk’s hands shook as he brought them to his face.

            That was beyond a nightmare, it had been worse than anything Minhyuk could imagine—even more so because it had felt so real. Hakyeon had never slit his wrists, but he was on suicide watch, so who was to say Minhyuk’s dream wouldn’t come true one day? Minhyuk drew in a shuddery breath. He felt hot tears sting his eyes, and he wanted to hold them back. But Hakyeon was asleep right now, so maybe he could let just a few go.

            Minhyuk curled in on himself, trembling as he repressed a sob. The second half of his dream had been a nightmare, but the first wasn’t even a dream, it was a memory. He really had told Hakyeon a scary story one night, and then he’d pulled him close and promised Hakyeon he would help him through anything, no matter how painful. But Minhyuk had failed; he’d failed so completely Hakyeon had nearly died at his own hand, sad and alone and somehow thinking that it would be selfish of him to lean on Minhyuk. Minhyuk would give anything for Hakyeon: his career, his life, his soul if he could. But no matter what he was willing to sacrifice, somehow he couldn’t help the person he loved.

            Hakyeon was in pain, and Minhyuk couldn’t ease it. Hakyeon was sad, and Minhyuk didn’t know how to make him happy again. People kept saying terrible things and doing terrible things and Minhyuk couldn’t protect Hakyeon from any of it. He really had broken his promise, and if Hakyeon died, Minhyuk would know some part of it would be his fault. There had to be something he could do to keep Hakyeon above water, but he didn’t know what, and Minhyuk almost couldn’t breathe for his fear that he wouldn’t figure out what it was before he lost him forever. Minhyuk bit back a scream, completely overwhelmed. His face was wet now as his tears pooled in his palms and smeared across his skin.

Something broke deep inside, in the pit of his stomach. Fractures seemed to spread and fissure up his middle, through his chest, to his throat and higher still. Minhyuk could hardly breathe, and it seemed that any second he would collapse from the pain of it all and shatter irreparably. But just then Minhyuk felt a light touch on his arm. He flinched, and raised his head. Hakyeon was staring at him, worry in his eyes.

“Minhyukie?” Minhyuk quickly wiped at his cheeks, though he knew it was too late.

“S-sorry, Hakyeonie,” he said breathlessly. “I thought you were sleeping.” Hakyeon’s expression softened into a quiet kind of sadness.

“You shouldn’t have to wait for me to sleep to feel like you can cry,” he said softly. Minhyuk wiped at his eyes again, not trusting himself to respond. Of course he had to wait for Hakyeon to sleep. Hakyeon was the one who was really breaking right now, and Minhyuk needed to stay strong for him, at least when he was in front of him. Hakyeon spoke again. “I think I know, but…would you mind telling me why?” Minhyuk didn’t want to tell Hakyeon why he was crying. But Hakyeon looked so hopeful, so worried and hopeful, that he had to.

“I just had a bad dream,” Minhyuk muttered, a stab of frustration hitting him as he was forced to wipe at his eyes yet again. His breathing still hadn’t stabilized, coming in the short gasps of a person who had been sobbing only moments ago.

“I’m sorry.” Minhyuk’s head snapped up. Hakyeon’s eyes held such regret, such a sincere, sorrowful apology, that Minhyuk felt those fractures inside his body deepen unbearably.

“For what?”

“I’m sorry I put you through this, Minhyukie. It was selfish of me to hurt you like this,” Hakyeon explained.

 _Sorry?_ Minhyuk thought. Hakyeon had been hurting enough to try to end his own life, and yet he felt the need to say _sorry_ now? Sure, Minhyuk had allowed him to say it before, when Hakyeon first woke up and Minhyuk’s emotions were too raw for him to process; but now that he’d had some time to think, hearing Hakyeon’s apology was intolerable.

“You shouldn’t be apologizing, Hakyeonie,” Minhyuk said, his voice rough. “It’s not your fault. If anyone needs to apologize, it’s me.” Hakyeon’s eyes widened.

“What?”

“I promised you,” Minhyuk said, his voice breaking as his eyes welled again with tears. “I promised I’d help you through anything, and yet I’ve done nothing. I’ve done _nothing_ to ease your suffering. I can’t stop your family from hurting you, and I can’t stop the people who say awful things to us from hurting you. I haven’t been the person you need me to be, because you can’t talk to me and I know there must be a good reason for that but I still don’t know how to fix it. So I broke my promise to you, and…” He had to pause for breath. “And I’m sorry. I want you to know you don’t need to apologize, because I’m the one who needs to say it.” Hakyeon’s mouth fell open. He’d gone rigid, and Minhyuk waited tensely for a long moment while Hakyeon struggled to find the words to respond.

“You’ve done… _nothing?”_ he whispered. His words were tight, like he was choking on them, and so saturated with disbelief that Minhyuk almost flinched. “Minhyukie, you’ve done _everything!_ You’ve tried so hard, I know you have. You’ve been patient, and caring, a-and you listen even when I won’t talk to you—which is my fault, by the way, not yours, and—“

“Hakyeon.” Minhyuk cut in, because Hakyeon was speaking so fast he was stumbling over his words, and Minhyuk thought he needed to take a breath. Hakyeon did just that, scrubbing his hands over his face as he composed himself.

“Sorry,” Hakyeon said, sounding calmer, quieter. “I just…I wasn’t expecting you to apologize.” He looked at Minhyuk earnestly. “Minhyukie, please, you have _nothing_ to say sorry for. I don’t think anyone in the world could try harder than you have. It’s not your fault I haven’t been talking to you—please believe me, I trust you more than anyone. I was just afraid to confide in you because it felt like…” Hakyeon waved his hands in momentary frustration, struggling to get the words out. “As much I wanted to stay close to you, at the same time, I felt like I was holding you in a relationship that hurt you.”

“I told you you’re not,” Minhyuk pleaded softly.

“I know,” Hakyeon agreed. “And I promise I’ll remember that, okay? When I…when I took those pills, I didn’t just do it because of my family. I thought about you, and about how much it would hurt you, and I almost couldn’t do it. But then I remembered everything people were saying, the way I’ve screwed up your whole life and career, how much all of this has hurt you, and I thought…I thought it would be better for you. I thought it would be better for everyone.”

“You haven’t screwed up anything,” Minhyuk whispered. He was trembling, afraid of what Hakyeon would say next; but Hakyeon looked at him with surprising gentleness then.

“I did,” he replied. “But not what I thought I did.” Seeing Minhyuk now, Hakyeon finally had his answer. It wasn’t Minhyuk’s smile or his love or his endless understanding, though those things should have been enough. It was his guilt; Minhyuk was blaming himself for what Hakyeon had done, and Hakyeon couldn’t allow that. It wasn’t his place to let Minhyuk feel responsible.

“My mistake,” Hakyeon continued, “was thinking that forcing you to give me up was my call to make. It’s not my call, Minhyukie, it’s yours. Whether you wanted to stay with me or not…it wasn’t my place to make that decision for you.” Minhyuk took his hand, though his own was still wet with tears.

“I want to stay with you,” Minhyuk vowed, his voice heavy with conviction. Hakyeon brushed his thumb over the back of Minhyuk’s hand. He looked at Minhyuk, his eyes glistening.

“Then I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you, Minhyukie. I’m sorry for being selfish. I’m sorry for putting you through so much these past months.” He swallowed hard, dropping his eyes. “I must’ve pushed you so hard…” Minhyuk squeezed Hakyeon’s hand.

“Please don’t apologize. I can’t even imagine what you were feeling when you hurt yourself, Hakyeonie; and I’m sorry for not understanding you. There must’ve been something I could’ve done to help you…and I’m sorry I’ve been too blind to figure out what it is.” Hakyeon seemed to flinch at his words.

“Please don’t apologize,” he whispered, echoing Minhyuk’s own words. “You have no reason to. I promised to help you too, remember? Yet I’ve only done the opposite of that…” Despite his heavy heart, despite the fear still fluttering in his stomach, despite this unbearable, impossible situation, Minhyuk almost wanted to laugh then. Even when they couldn’t seem to communicate properly with each other, Hakyeon and Minhyuk were still saying the same thing.

“Maybe we should both stop apologizing,” he suggested eventually. “I don’t think either of us wants to hear it.” Hakyeon nodded in agreement. He wiped swiftly at his eyes, and took a deep breath. Then he shifted over to the edge of the bed, and when he looked at Minhyuk, Minhyuk felt his heart skip a beat. Hakyeon’s eyes were still sad, tired, conflicted…but also, somehow, hopeful.

“Come here?” He said it like a question, his voice tentative, uncertain of how Minhyuk would respond. Minhyuk stood. He didn’t even know if he was allowed to get in bed with Hakyeon, but in that moment, he didn’t care. The hospital staff could fuss all they wanted. Minhyuk climbed into bed and lay down beside Hakyeon. They carefully wrapped their arms around each other. Minhyuk laid his head on Hakyeon’s shoulder and closed his eyes so he could focus entirely on feeling the person in his arms. They were quiet for a long moment.

“I missed you,” Minhyuk murmured at last. It had only been a few days since he held Hakyeon like this, but now that his familiar warmth was beside Minhyuk again, Minhyuk realized every moment he had to spend without it had been cold and tinted with loss.

“I missed you too,” Hakyeon replied. From his tone, Minhyuk could tell Hakyeon wasn’t just echoing Minhyuk’s words; he understood his feelings, and Hakyeon felt them too. Minhyuk held him tighter, and could almost swear he felt Hakyeon smile, just a bit.

Minhyuk wondered if what he was doing was okay. It felt a little like Hakyeon was comforting him, when it really should have been the other way around. But no, it didn’t have to be one-sided, Minhyuk reminded himself. The Hakyeon in his dream had blamed Minhyuk for not helping him enough, but the real Hakyeon would never do that. They were comforting each other right now, and that was okay. It was what they needed, and it was the only way they were going to get through this together.

So Minhyuk allowed Hakyeon to cradle him in his arms, and when Hakyeon unconsciously began to hum a soft, gentle tune, Minhyuk smiled and laid his head against Hakyeon’s chest. His steady heartbeat was like a sweet accompaniment to the lullaby, and for the first time since he’d found Hakyeon in his room, Minhyuk felt the tight knot of anxiety in his core loosen. He snuggled against Hakyeon and yawned. He’d barely slept two hours in the last couple days, and his exhaustion was catching up with him. Wrapped in Hakyeon’s warm grip and lulled by his soothing presence, Minhyuk slipped off to sleep.

 


	21. Little Brother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is posted about a week later than the others. School started recently and I've been pretty busy. But, I'm planning to try to keep updating on a more regular basis. Thanks!

            Hakyeon’s sister paused in the doorway of her brother’s room. She was past visiting hours, but she was family, so they’d let her in anyway. The moment she arrived at the hospital she’d gone straight to Hakyeon’s room, not even knowing what to do with the impossible torrent of emotions that tore at her insides. Hakyeon really was in the hospital. He really was on suicide watch. He really had tried to kill himself. Teetering between disbelief and a quiet sort of panic, she had opened the door without knocking and frozen in place.

            Hakyeon was asleep, and he wasn’t alone. Minhyuk was in bed with him, lying on top of the blankets. They had their arms around each other, and their chests rose and fell evenly in time with one another as they slept. His sister realized then that Minhyuk was still wearing the same clothes he’d worn when he visited Hakyeon’s family. He must not have gone back to his home, then. He must’ve come straight to the hospital when he got back to Seoul.

            She sighed, rubbing her eyes. Minhyuk was more dedicated to Hakyeon than his own family. Despite everything that had happened, that didn’t seem right. It didn’t seem right that she was the first family member to visit him even though he’d been in the hospital since yesterday—and for a suicide attempt, of all things.

            She approached the bed, stopping at its side and staring silently at her brother. She hadn’t been as shocked as the rest of the family when the pictures got out. There was such an age gap between her and their two older siblings, but she and Hakyeonie were only four years apart…she’d practically raised him alongside their parents, and somehow she’d sensed it. Hakyeon hadn’t been like other teenage boys, swooning over female celebrities and chattering about girls in school. He’d hardly talked about girls at all, in fact, and when their mother tried to coax him into telling her his high school crush, he never would give a name. When the pictures of her brother with Minhyuk got out, all she could think was that it made sense.

            This young man before her, the one sleeping soundly with another man’s arms around him…that was Hakyeonie. That was her little brother, and like Minhyuk had said, who he was wasn’t going to change. He wasn’t going to change unless he broke. And, looking at that sweet, familiar face, the one she’d grown up with…she didn’t want him to break. She reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder.

 

            Hakyeon stirred, opening his eyes when a hand on his shoulder dragged him from sleep. He blinked blearily, a little annoyed at whoever had woken him up. He rolled over to look, and then Hakyeon was sitting up abruptly, rubbing his eyes to make sure he wasn’t still dreaming. But no, there was a young woman standing by his bed, and Hakyeon knew her face like his own.

            “Noona?” he breathed in disbelief. She gave him a weak smile. “What…why are you here?” Hakyeon asked, suddenly wary. Had their mother sent her for some reason? How had she even known where to find Hakyeon—the news, maybe? But then Minhyuk sat up beside him, and his sleepy eyes showed a similar surprise when they fell on Hakyeon’s sister.

            “I came to see you,” his sister replied simply, her voice soft. “I, uh…heard what happened, and…I had to.”

            “How did you hear?” Hakyeon asked flatly. His sister flinched at the harsh deadpan of his voice. For some reason, she’d thought he would be happy to see her. She supposed the hostility made sense, but she wasn’t quite prepared for it. She frowned in confusion at Hakyeon’s question and glanced at Minhyuk.

            “He…didn’t tell you? He came to see us.” Hakyeon’s head snapped toward Minhyuk, who shrank under his gaze.

            “That’s where you were all day,” Hakyeon realized. Minhyuk looked up as though ashamed.

            “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” he said softly. “I was worried it would upset you too much, and given the…circumstances…I was afraid. I didn’t want you to tell me not to go.” Hakyeon looked between his sister and Minhyuk in disbelief, not knowing who to address first.

            “He came for you,” Hakyeon’s sister piped up then, tentative and looking up from her slightly bowed head, much like Minhyuk. “He told us why you were in the hospital, and then…well, maybe you want to hear this from him.” Hakyeon looked at Minhyuk expectantly, and Minhyuk couldn’t tell if he was angry or not.

            “…I asked them to stop this,” Minhyuk admitted. He spoke almost with defeat, like he was sure Hakyeon was going to be upset with him but knew he had to come clean anyway. “I know you haven’t been able to speak to them, Hakyeonie, and I just wanted to help. I asked them to either accept you, or to just…leave you alone. To not hurt you like this again.” Hakyeon looked at him steadily, but he didn’t speak and Minhyuk couldn’t tell what he was thinking. He nervousness spiked, and suddenly his palms felt sweaty.

            “I should’ve told you,” Minhyuk continued. Hakyeon must be upset, or he would’ve said something by now. Of all times, Minhyuk didn’t want to fight with Hakyeon _now._ He had to fix this, somehow. “I’m sorry, I don’t know if you didn’t want them to know you were here, or you didn’t want someone else to step in, I know I probably shouldn’t have but I was scared and I thought _someone_ needed to speak to them and they weren’t going to let you, I know they weren’t because you’ve tried so many times. I just wanted them to know how you were feeling so they wouldn’t hurt you like this again. I shouldn’t have gone without your permission, I know, but I didn’t think you’d give it to me and I just…I had to do _something,_ because I feel like I haven’t been able to do anything to help you and I thought, if there was even a chance that I could make one of them think twice, I had to _try…”_

            Minhyuk was nearly in tears now as he babbled on. He knew he was speaking too much, and probably getting too emotional. But Hakyeon still had an IV in his arm to combat what those pills had done to his body, and he was still so pale, and Minhyuk had just wanted to help but he couldn’t take the stress of it all anymore. Before he could continue making a fool of himself, though, he suddenly found his face pressed into Hakyeon’s chest as his partner pulled him into a hug.

            “I understand,” Hakyeon murmured in his ear. “It’s okay, Minhyukie. I would’ve done the same for you…I know you only wanted to help.” Minhyuk exhaled heavily, melting into Hakyeon’s embrace. Hakyeon tilted Minhyuk’s chin up and pressed their lips together. Minhyuk heard a quiet gasp from Hakyeon’s sister, but he ignored it as he dragged out the kiss for a long, sweet moment. When Hakyeon pulled back, his gaze was gentle, filled with a heartbreaking combination of love and sadness. “Really…you never stop looking out for me, do you?” Minhyuk gave him a small smile in return.

            “Well…why would I? I love you.”

            “I know. Thank you for doing so much for me.” Hakyeon hugged him tightly for a moment, leaving Minhyuk feeling warm with relief. He turned back to his sister then, and his expression was once again frigid and hard, like cold steel. “Now what do you want?” Her eyes widened a little, and that only made Hakyeon angrier. What right did she have to look hurt right now?

            “Hakyeonie…I wanted to see you,” she said again, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world, as though she hadn’t been saying the exact opposite for months. “When Minhyuk told us what you’d done, I...I was so scared. I had to come.” Hakyeon raised an eyebrow.

            “Well, great. As you can see, I’m not dead. Sorry you had to come so far to confirm that. I assume you’ll want to go home now, right?” His sister blinked in disbelief.

            “Hakyeon…”

            “Just make sure you get a hotel if you’re tired,” Hakyeon said blandly, leaning against the pillows. “It’s late, and drowsy driving is dangerous.” He spoke with dismissal, like he expected his sister to walk right out the door. She looked helplessly between Hakyeon and Minhyuk.

            “Hakyeon.” This time it was Minhyuk who spoke his name quietly. His tone held a warning, like even he thought Hakyeon was brushing her off too quickly.

            “Did Mom send you?” Hakyeon continued. She shook her head.

            “No, I came on my own. No one sent me, Hakyeon. I just wanted to see you.”

            “Well, you’ve seen me,” Hakyeon replied. “So your conscience ought to be clear, right? Now I’m pretty fucking tired at the moment, so if you’re done pretending to care, why don’t you do us both a favor and get the hell out?” His sister’s mouth dropped open, and he could feel Minhyuk stiffen beside him. She was speechless for a moment.

            “Hakyeon…why are you doing this?” she asked at last. “I thought you’d be happy to see me. I don’t understand why you’re so upset…” Hakyeon scoffed.

            “You don’t understand? You don’t understand why I’d be upset that my own sister wouldn’t speak to me until I tried to kill myself?” he asked incredulously. Minhyuk put a hand on his arm to try to calm him, but Hakyeon wasn’t having it. “Do you know how desperate I was to hear from you?” he continued. He wanted to sound angry and nothing more, but the way his voice cracked then betrayed his hurt. “Do you know how much it fucking hurt to think that everyone, even _you,_ hated me? That you were disgusted by me? I tried to call you, noona, you know I did! If you’d picked up the phone even _once…_ ” Hakyeon shook his head. He didn’t know what he was trying to say anymore. He just wanted his sister to know; he wanted her to understand what the months of silence had felt like.

            “At least Mom bothered to tell me how she felt,” Hakyeon continued bitterly. His sister was watching him in silence, her lips pressed together and her face pale. “You, noona, hyung…none of you said a damn thing to me! You just ignored me, like cowards—I almost could’ve thought you were dead!” His sister shook her head minutely, her eyes swimming with tears.

            “Hakyeonie…”

            “Why?” Hakyeon asked then, hating how desperate he sounded. “Why wouldn’t you talk to me? Why wouldn’t one of you just fucking _talk_ to me?” God, was he crying again? Hakyeon was so sick of crying, so sick of how weak it made him feel…but it was so hard to stop once the floodgates were open, and seeing his sister after so many months had broken another dam inside him. Minhyuk slid an arm around him, offering silent comfort as he rubbed small circles into Hakyeon’s back with his thumb.

            “…I should’ve talked to you,” Hakyeon’s sister admitted then. Her head was bowed in shame. “Mom and Dad told us not to, but I shouldn’t have listened. I saw in the news how hard this must’ve been for you, Hakyeonie, and I swear I almost called you—more than once. But…that’s still not an excuse.”

            “No, it’s not,” Hakyeon replied sharply. His sister was blurring in front of him, but the angry tears just kept coming. “You think the _news_ was enough to tell you how hard it’s been? _Nothing_ that you had access to could tell you how hard this has been! If you wanted to know what it was like you should’ve fucking called me!” Hakyeon was shouting now, breathing fast. Minhyuk slid both arms around him then and began to rub his shoulders soothingly. He pressed a kiss to Hakyeon’s cheek too, and Hakyeon felt himself calm just a little. His sister swallowed the lump in her throat, and finally raised her head. She met Hakyeon’s angry, accusing gaze.

            “You’re right," she admitted at last. "It was arrogant of me to think I could possibly know how hard this has been. If you were hurting so much you wanted to die…there’s no way I can know what you felt. I’m sure you’ve been through so much more than I can imagine, Hakyeonie; and I should’ve been there to help you through it.” Hakyeon’s breath caught, causing him to make a noise that sounded embarrassingly close to a sob. His anger was starting to fade, even if only a little. His sister gave a small gasp at the noise he’d made, her hand going to her heart like it had just torn down the middle. Suddenly the tears that had been pooling in her eyes were spilling down her cheeks.

            “Hakyeonie…” She took a step forward, and Hakyeon shrank back involuntarily. She stopped in place, even as Minhyuk lightly pushed on Hakyeon’s back to keep him from shying away any further. “Hakyeonie, I’m sorry,” she said then. “I made a mistake. I should never, _ever_ have let things get this far. I shouldn’t have ignored you, I shouldn’t have blamed you for loving someone, I shouldn’t have cursed you for wanting to live your life in peace…I should’ve known the life we wanted to force on you was one you couldn’t bear to live.” She carefully took another step, and this time Hakyeon didn’t pull back. She raised her head with conviction.

“You’re my baby brother, Hakyeon. I held you in my arms the day you were born, and I will _not_ see you die before me.” She looked meaningfully between him and Minhyuk. “If this is who you need to be to live, Hakyeon…then this is who you should be. And I’ll support you and Minhyuk from now on. I can’t take back all those months of silence; I turned you away when you needed me the most, and I will always be sorry for that. But if I can make it up to you, Hakyeonie, somehow…I hope you’ll give me the chance.”

The room was silent for a long moment. Hakyeon’s sister stood tensely, waiting for her brother’s response. Finally, he spoke, almost in a whisper. “How are you going to make it up?” She drew into herself a little then, trying to think of an answer. She was afraid she really had done irreparable damage, and that Hakyeon was never going to forgive her.

“I don’t know,” she finally admitted. “I don’t know if I can. But I swear I’ll try. I’ll talk to Mom and Dad for you. Unnie and oppa too. I’ll do everything I can to convince them to accept you. I want to help them see that you’re still our Hakyeonie.” Something soft and bright entered Hakyeon’s exhausted, tortured gaze then—something that looked like hope.

“You’ll talk to them?” he asked, voice soft with disbelief.

“I will,” she promised. “The way you feel about Minhyuk…I know you’ve always been that way, Hakyeon, even if I pretended not to see it. And if I was proud of you before, and if I loved you before…I can’t really say that’s changed. You’re the same brother I always had, and I’ve always loved you. I still do.” Hakyeon practically went limp then, loosing a shaky sigh to prevent himself from collapsing into sobs. His sister came forward, and Hakyeon allowed her to slide her arms around him carefully.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“I haven’t forgiven you yet,” Hakyeon replied in a shaking voice. She only tightened her grip.

“I know.” When she’d cut off contact with him, she’d broken her relationship with Hakyeon completely. It would take a long time to rebuild that, and she didn’t know if they’d ever have what they had before. The kind of easy trust built over a lifetime spent together had been shattered, and she had only herself to blame. But Hakyeon was allowing her to hug him right now, and that meant that something, at least, could be salvaged. Minhyuk smiled as he looked at the two of them, and when she pulled back from her hug with Hakyeon, she went to hug Minhyuk next.

“Thank you for coming to us,” she murmured to her brother’s partner. “It must’ve taken a lot for you to do that, but I wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t. Thank you for everything you’ve done for Hakyeonie.” Minhyuk returned the hug.

“I’m glad you listened,” he replied simply. She pulled back and wiped at her eyes. She gave Hakyeon a small, tentative smile; and though Hakyeon didn’t smile back, the hostility was gone from his eyes. Minhyuk found himself smiling as he took Hakyeon’s hand and squeezed it. For the first time in a long while, he felt a little bit safe to hope.


	22. Thank You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This a long chapter compared to the others, but I figured since I was late again I might as well post a little more than usual ^_^ Thanks!

 

 

 

            Hakyeon frowned, fumbling with his keys as he pushed harder on the doorknob. Why wasn’t it opening? Minhyuk watched with an amused expression, and Hakyeon was starting to get embarrassed. The door gave way before Hakyeon had time to adjust, and he went stumbling into the apartment.

            “Wah!” Hakyeon yelped in surprise as a burst of confetti exploded in his face with a loud _pop!_ The next thing he saw was Ken’s grinning face, holding a confetti gun.

            “Surprise!” The apartment was filled with people—VIXX, BTOB, and all of Hakyeon’s closest friends were smiling at him and clapping. 

            “Is…what is this?” Hakyeon sputtered. The hospital had kept him for another day after his sister’s visit before finally releasing him. Hakyeon had been expecting to come home to a quiet apartment, but this…he turned to Minhyuk. “Did you know about this?” Minhyuk raised his eyebrows, all wan smile and fake innocence.

            “Of course not.” Hakyeon tried to glare at him, but his lips were twitching at the edges and Minhyuk knew he wanted to smile back. Minhyuk grabbed his shoulders and turned him around to face his guests again.

            “We wanted to make sure you knew how much you were missed,” Ravi explained, approaching Hakyeon and giving him a warm hug.

            “Look, we even prepared all your favorite stuff!” Ken added, grabbing Hakyeon’s wrist and yanking him over to a folding table laden with food. “We forced Leo-hyung to cook about fifty servings of meat, and we got a bunch of Dojima roll cakes, and look!” Ken flung his arms out with pride, and Hakyeon’s jaw dropped.

            “No. Is that a banana milk fountain?”

            “It _is_ a banana milk fountain!” Ken crowed.

            “And you don’t know how hard it was to make that happen,” Leo grumbled, coming up to join them. But, though he was trying to sound grumpy about all the work he’d had to do, his eyes were bright. He hugged Hakyeon too. And then it was Hyuk, and then Hongbin, and then every member of BTOB, and then every other guest at the party until Hakyeon, who had thought he could never tire of skinship, was starting to burn out. No more hugs for days, he told himself.

            But then Minhyuk came up behind Hakyeon and slid his arms around his waist, and Hakyeon remembered why he loved skinship so much in the first place. Minhyuk kissed his cheek, and not one person at the party made a face. They just kept smiling at him.

            “We’re glad you made it back to us, Hakyeon,” Eunji murmured when it was her turn to hug. Hakyeon was nearly in tears again, but this time it was gratitude that made him well up. So many people had gathered here just for him, just to show him that they were happy he existed. And the lengths his members (and probably Minhyuk) had gone to to prepare a party so perfectly tailored to everything Hakyeon loved…it was amazing.

            “Aw, don’t cry, hyungie,” Hyuk cooed, patting him on the back. “This is supposed to be fun!”

            “It is fun,” Hakyeon agreed, swiftly wiping his eyes. “I love it.” All his members could hear the emotion in his voice. Hakyeon’s throat felt thick, like it was coated in honey and squeezed by an invisible force. They all gave teasing “aww’s!” and patted him like Hyuk had.

Suddenly the crowd of people gathered around Hakyeon parted. Minhyuk had slipped away at some point, and now he was walking back, a white frosted cake in his hands. It was lit with candles despite the fact that it wasn’t anyone’s birthday.

“Make a wish!” Ken trilled.

“But it’s not my birthday,” Hakyeon protested.

“Since when do birthdays get a monopoly on wishes?” Minhyuk argued. “I think after everything you’ve been through, you’ve earned one. Go for it.” Hakyeon glanced around. Everyone seemed to be encouraging him to do it. So, Hakyeon looked at the candles and then closed his eyes. He’d given up on wishes a while ago, because no matter how hard he begged and prayed to anything that would listen, asking someone to help him fix everything that had broken when those pictures were released, it had never worked. No matter how hard Hakyeon tried, it seemed like things could only keep getting worse.

But after seeing his sister in the hospital, and seeing everyone at this party, how much all these people loved him and wanted him around…Hakyeon thought it might be worth it to give wishes one more try. So he clasped his hands and silently asked whatever powers that be to give him and Minhyuk one more chance: let them be happy together, and learn to live and be strong in a world that may never be what it should be. Let them keep their careers and their friends and everything they worked so hard for, without having to lose each other. That was all Hakyeon wanted now. It was his wish.

Hakyeon opened his eyes and blew out the candles, and everyone clapped again. “Okay,” Hakyeon said, smiling. “Let’s party.”

It was a wonderful night. Everyone was smiling and laughing the whole time, and Hakyeon was so taken in by the bright atmosphere, he could almost forget why they were having a party in the first place. He did have one moment, though, near the end of the night. He was sitting on the floor, playing some demented card game with most of the remaining party-goers. He was filled to bursting with meat and roll cakes and about half of that banana milk fountain, some of which Ken had had the bright idea to mix with an unlabeled alcoholic substance, resulting in a nightmare concoction the guests had dubbed “Kenana milk.” Someone had to drink it every time they lost a game.

Hakyeon was feeling warm and full and happy, and Ravi had just played some card combination that made the whole group erupt in loud, raucous laughter. Hakyeon looked around, taking in the enjoyment on the faces of his friends, the relaxed posture of his members and the happiness in their eyes. He looked at Minhyuk, and saw the way his partner was so beautiful, so breathtakingly beautiful, when he laughed like that. Minhyuk turned to Hakyeon, still flushed from laughter, and gave him such a brilliant smile that Hakyeon couldn’t do anything but smile back. Minhyuk’s bright eyes came close and then closed so he could kiss Hakyeon, deep enough for Hakyeon to taste the lingering Kenana milk on his lips. That’s right, Minhyuk had lost the last game, hadn’t he?

The guests hooted and cheered approvingly, and Minhyuk was laughing again as he pulled away. Hakyeon looked around the circle once more, and felt like his chest might overflow with pooling warmth. And in that moment, Hakyeon realized…he had a lot to live for, didn’t he?

 

 

 

“Just one more time?” Hakyeon pleaded, hands clasped together and lips pushed out in a pout. Minhyuk sighed. Why had he agreed to this? At the very least, he shouldn’t have agreed to let Hakyeon run the dance practice. Sure, Hakyeon was the one who’d studied dance in Japan and choreographed multiple performances and made up most of the choreography this time as well, and that had been a great argument as to why he should lead. But did Hakyeon really have to practice _every_ little detail two hundred times in one day? Minhyuk had heard from the members that he was a drill sergeant, but this was even worse. Because Hakyeon wasn’t drill sergeant right now; he looked like a damn puppy, and it was even more convincing. As exhausted as Minhyuk was, he couldn’t say no.

“Fine,” he agreed. “But “one more time” better actually _mean_ one more time. Okay?” Hakyeon perked up.

“Okay!” Minhyuk couldn’t help smiling as Hakyeon turned away to start the music. It had been almost a month since he was released from the hospital, and things seemed to have gotten a little better. The anti-fans had actually backed off a bit—Ken’s speech to that reporter outside the hospital had had a bigger impact than anyone expected. They were still a problem, of course, and some of the comments had gotten nastier. But Minhyuk thought Hakyeon was less bothered by them now, for whatever reason. Maybe he’d just stopped reading them, which was probably for the best.

In the hopes of distracting him and spending more time together, Minhyuk had suggested he and Hakyeon collaborate on a project. Their CEOs had given them permission, and they’d started putting it together three weeks ago. They’d written the lyrics together, Hakyeon had choreographed a dance (with Minhyuk’s input), and Ravi and Hyunsik had even helped them put a backtrack together. Minhyuk knew they probably wouldn’t be allowed to perform it on any of the major music shows—the stations that ran them weren’t too enthusiastic about promoting a same-sex couple. But maybe at a solo concert one day…Minhyuk could hope. And besides, the simple act of creating the song and performance with Hakyeon had been fun.

“One more time,” Hakyeon said. He winked at Minhyuk as the music started, and Minhyuk groaned. That wink meant “one more time” was really at least three more times. Minhyuk was starting to understand why Hakyeon was the leader of VIXX.

Minhyuk was relieved when a Jellyfish staff member opened the door, forcing them to pause their practice. “Yes?” Hakyeon asked.

“Sorry to interrupt, but your sister is downstairs.” Hakyeon exchanged a surprised look with Minhyuk. What was she doing here?

“Um, alright. I’ll come meet her.”

 

Hakyeon’s sister was waiting for them in the lobby, looking about as pale and anxious as she had the day she visited the hospital. “Noona. What are you doing here?” Hakyeon asked. He didn’t hug her in greeting, but his words were kind enough. She gave him a strained smile.

“I brought someone with me.” Hakyeon raised an eyebrow. He didn’t see anyone.

“Who?” His sister brushed some stray hairs from her face, looking uneasy.

“Mom.”

“ _Mom?”_

“Yeah. I told her I was thinking of coming to Seoul this weekend to see you, and she asked to come along.” Hakyeon glanced around.

“So where is she?” His sister fidgeted with her hands.

“In the empty lot behind the building. She said she wanted to talk to you alone, without anyone else around.” Hakyeon stared.

“Um, she does realize there are plenty of private rooms in here, right? She doesn’t have to stand outside for us to talk.” His sister just shrugged, glancing between him and floor.

“She insisted. She’d been in a weird mood all day.” She raised her head again. “Are you…okay seeing her? You don’t have to if you’re not. You’ve earned the right to say no at this point.” Hakyeon glanced at Minhyuk.

“It’s your call, Hakyeonie,” he said quietly. Hakyeon looked at his sister again. From how nervous she seemed, Hakyeon had a suspicion his mother wasn’t here to reconcile with him, at least not entirely. The thought that she’d come at all still gave Hakyeon a small flutter of hope, but he figured he’d learned now not to expect too much. It had been a month since he’d almost died, and the sister in front of him was still the only family member to really have made an effort to reconnect with him. She’d convinced Hakyeon’s older siblings to start talking to him a little, but their parents were still frustratingly distant.

But still…if she was here, Hakyeon had to talk to her. He needed to know what she had to say to him. He needed to know if, now that his siblings were starting to come around, there was even a sliver of hope that she might someday call him son again. But he wasn’t going to do it alone.

“Okay,” Hakyeon agreed. “I’ll talk to her. But Minhyukie comes too.” His sister bit her lip.

“I’m not sure that’s the best idea, Hakyeon.”

“I don’t care. He’s coming.” Hakyeon took Minhyuk’s hand and waited. His sister glanced between the two of them and sighed.

“Okay.”

 

The last time someone had told Hakyeon his mother was waiting for him, he’d been shoved into a bathroom and almost raped. So, despite her stiff posture and unreadable expression, the moment Hakyeon saw his mother standing in the middle of that empty lot, he felt immensely relieved. His sister led the way, striding with as much confidence as she could muster. When they got close she stopped, standing beside Hakyeon and Minhyuk to show where her support lay. Hakyeon was grateful for it.

“Hi, Mom.” Hakyeon spoke first, because he wanted to show her that, even after everything, he was still willing to try to work this out. She made no reply at first, her eyes darkening with disapproval when they fell on Hakyeon and Minhyuk’s clasped hands.

“I don’t think you want him here for this,” she said at last, her voice low. She looked pointedly at Minhyuk. Hakyeon felt his stomach drop.

Fuck. _Fuck._

Why was he always more hopeful than he realized? Why did he always allow himself to expect more than he should? If he “shouldn’t want Minhyuk here,” there was no way she’d come tell Hakyeon anything good. Hakyeon’s knees suddenly felt weak. The gray sky above them seemed to darken, and the icy wind that whipped their hair into their eyes got colder. This was going to hurt. Hakyeon already knew it was going to hurt. So he gripped Minhyuk’s hand tighter.

“He’s staying.” His mother looked between the two of them for a long moment, her lips pressed into a thin pink line.

“Fine. Do what you want. You’re an adult, Hakyeon, and it’s time I start acknowledging that.” That was all she said, for a long, tense moment, until Hakyeon was forced to break the silence.

“Will you tell me why you’re here?” She nodded.

“I’m here—“ Her voice wavered, and she had to stop to collect herself. Hakyeon realized then that her eyes were glistening, and it made his heart give a sharp tug against his ribs. His mother was afraid too. She was nervous too. She didn’t want to be here either, but felt that there was no other choice.

Why did they have to do this?

“I’m here to say goodbye, Hakyeon,” she said at last, her voice soft. Hakyeon’s sister gasped.

“Mom…”

“You can’t change my mind,” their mother said then, shaking her head. “I know you’ve been trying, sweetie, but your little brother is responsible for his own actions, and you can’t keep making excuses for him.”

“They’re not excuses—“ Hakyeon began, but his mother cut him off.

“I don’t want to hear it, Hakyeon,” she said, with the tone she’d used on him as a teenager. Her eyes slipped closed for a moment; she looked exhausted. “I _can’t_ hear it anymore. This is hard for me too, Hakyeon, don’t you see that? When I found out you’d really tried to kill yourself, I was horrified. I thought you were strong enough not to try something so foolish. But then, I guess I’ve never known you as well as I thought I did.”

Minhyuk glanced at Hakyeon, his heart racing. He felt like the world was slipping out from under him the more Hakyeon’s mother spoke. This couldn’t be happening again, not _again…_ but the light in Hakyeon’s eyes, the one he’d been slowly building up this past month, seemed to be dimming with each word she spoke. This couldn’t be happening again.

“I wasn’t glad to hear what you’d done, Hakyeon,” his mother continued. “You should know that wouldn’t have made anyone happy.”

“…I know.” Hakyeon’s voice was little more than a rough whisper.

“Good.” She looked at Minhyuk then, and her eyes narrowed. “I will never forgive you for taking my son away. You’ve supported his sickness at every turn, and you’ve made us lose him because of it. Hakyeon’s not ours anymore, and I blame you for it most of all. But…I’m not too petty to admit that I’m glad you spoke to us. It made me realize what I have to do.” She turned back to Hakyeon then.

            “Let’s stop with these games, Hakyeon. Let’s stop it all.” Stop what? Minhyuk wondered. Hakyeon had never tried to do anything but speak to her.

“I’m done trying to convince you to come home. I won’t make your nieces and nephews call you and plead with you. I won’t use my family against you again.” She glanced at Minhyuk. “I won’t try to bend you to my will. I don’t want you to die, Hakyeon. I never wanted that. But even so…” Her eyes fell to Hakyeon and Minhyuk’s clasped hands. “I just cannot see you as my son—you’re not the boy I raised.” Hakyeon’s shoulders slumped, and Minhyuk could feel whatever hope may have remained in him draining from his fingers.

            “We’re strangers now, Hakyeon,” his mother continued. Her lips quivered, and tears glistened in her eyes. “That’s all we’ll ever be, from this day forward. I don’t plan to contact you again, and I would appreciate it if you did the same.” Unlike the last time, Hakyeon didn’t try to reply to her. He didn’t try to speak at all. He seemed to have decided by now that there was no point to it.

            “I don’t wish death on any stranger,” Hakyeon’s mother added then, her voice soft. “Nor pain, and so I hope you don’t try to hurt yourself again. That’s my only request. That’s all I needed to say.” She and her son stared at each other for a long moment, the silence as brittle and bitter as an abandoned window cracking beneath the weight of its crumbling home. They were both on the verge of crying, but neither had shed their tears. Their cheeks were still dry when Hakyeon’s mother finally bowed her head and turned away.

            “Goodbye, Cha Hakyeon.” She began to walk, each small step taking her further from her son. Minhyuk stared after her in disbelief, his mouth hanging open. Hakyeon still said nothing, though after a moment he gave a small sigh; and, though it was barely a huff of air, the sound was so utterly hopeless that Minhyuk tore his incredulous gaze from Hakyeon’s mother to look at him instead. Minhyuk’s stomach lurched.

Hakyeon’s eyes were dull like a taxidermy animal’s, glazed in the horrible sort of way they had been when Minhyuk found him in his room after he’d tried to kill himself. They were glazed the way they had been for weeks after Hakyeon’s mother came to the photo-shoot and started all of this. They were glazed like every part of Hakyeon that made him glow with that bright inner light that was only his had been stolen away, shoved somewhere dark and locked up. Minhyuk gripped Hakyeon so tightly his nails dug into his skin, panic making his voice rise in pitch.

            “Hakyeon, no. Look at me, just look at me. _Come on_ , don’t do this, Hakyeon!” Minhyuk almost slapped him he was so afraid, and Hakyeon hated the way he felt like a marionette doll again, useless and held up by fraying strings. But still that numbness, that hopeless, aching numbness, had begun to creep in again, and he didn’t know how to stop it from turning his limbs to hollow porcelain.

            “Please,” Minhyuk begged. He gazed at Hakyeon’s face, his eyes searching desperately, trying to get past that glaze that, like a cruel shell, kept the person he loved hidden from away him. “Not again…Please, Hakyeon, _please_ come back.” Minhyuk’s voice was soft and breaking as he pleaded with Hakyeon not to slip away again, not to let go. Minhyuk felt a hand on his shoulder, and turned.

            Hakyeon’s sister was looking between the two of them worriedly. “What’s wrong with him? What happened?” Hakyeon was staring after his mother again, and Minhyuk wasn’t even sure if he’d heard his sister’s question.

            “Please,” Minhyuk whimpered, gripping Hakyeon’s hand. “Make her fix this. He’s going to hurt himself, _please…_ tell her to fix this.” The sister looked toward the mother too, conflict in her eyes.

            “I…I don’t know how,” she said eventually.

            “Please,” Minhyuk begged again. His vision was blurry from desperate, terrified tears. “Just…do something. Anything, please…” He bowed his head, pressing his face into Hakyeon’s shoulder, and felt his tears dampen the cloth of Hakyeon’s sleeve. He was trembling, too afraid to look at Hakyeon and see that horrible emptiness in his gaze. Minhyuk didn’t think he could handle this anymore. Somehow this kept happening to them, over and over, and Minhyuk didn’t know what to do. The moment Hakyeon broke, he was going to break too. Minhyuk simply didn’t have the strength left to keep himself together. It had been drained out of him little by little, over the course of months, and he didn’t know how he could possibly get it back now. The moment Hakyeon broke…it was over. For both of them.

It was quiet for a long moment while the sister continued to debate with herself, seemingly trying to think of what to say to their mother. Suddenly, Minhyuk felt Hakyeon’s fingers tighten on his. He looked up.

            Hakyeon’s eyes were still frighteningly dull. But Minhyuk watched as Hakyeon, still staring at his mother, shook his head once. Then he turned, pulling Minhyuk with him as he began to walk away.

            “Hakyeonie!” his sister called. Hakyeon ignored her, his steps picking up speed as he walked. Minhyuk allowed himself to be dragged along, Hakyeon’s hand in his. He said nothing, deciding it would be better to give Hakyeon time to work through whatever it was he was thinking.

            Hakyeon led him for several minutes, across the deserted lot and back into the Jellyfish building. He pulled Minhyuk through a dozen hallways, seeming to be searching for something. Eventually, he came across an empty practice room. Hakyeon took them inside, closed the door, and turned the lock on the handle. Then he dropped the screen over the small window so no one could possibly see inside.

            Hakyeon took a few more steps, crossing the length of the small room in seconds. He slid Minhyuk’s bag from his shoulders and dropped it to the floor. Then he pressed Minhyuk up against the wall, and Minhyuk gasped. That dead glaze was still in Hakyeon’s eyes, like he wasn’t quite sure what he was doing. But there was a spark of something lifelike behind it, and Minhyuk couldn’t speak as Hakyeon stared at him intently with that strange look.

            Hakyeon didn’t speak either. Instead, he ran his fingers through Minhyuk’s hair, the movement slow and tender, as though Hakyeon was focused on feeling every strand. His hand trailed a little lower, pinching a lock of Minhyuk’s hair between two fingers and allowing it to slide through his grip. Hakyeon’s fingers brushed over Minhyuk’s ear, tracing the curve of it. His other hand reached up, and swept slowly across his forehead, sweeping stray hair away from his skin.

            Next Hakyeon brought both hands to Minhyuk’s face. He ran his thumbs over Minhyuk’s eyelids, and Minhyuk closed his eyes to allow him to do so. He opened them again as Hakyeon’s thumbs moved lower. Hakyeon’s fingers slowly traced his face, his cheekbones, his nose, lips, and chin. Minhyuk’s breathing had picked up, and he felt a flush creep up his neck. The glaze in Hakyeon’s eyes had begun to fade, burned away by a strange intensity Minhyuk had never seen before, and didn’t understand. Yet he couldn’t look away, he couldn’t speak, he couldn’t even move as Hakyeon stared at him with that intoxicating gaze.

            Hakyeon’s hands continued on their path. They traced the line of Minhyuk’s throat; they ran over his collarbones, his shoulders. They skimmed down his arms, his hands, and lingered on Minhyuk’s fingers. Then Hakyeon gathered up Minhyuk’s shirt and slid it over his head, Minhyuk limp and willing beneath his touch. Hakyeon’s burning gaze moved lower as his hands ran slowly down Minhyuk’s bare chest. He traced the muscles of Minhyuk’s stomach, each line and curve. Then Hakyeon began to unfasten his belt. Minhyuk’s breath caught in his throat, and he knew he should stop Hakyeon. This wasn’t the time for this. Yet he was utterly paralyzed as Hakyeon slipped his belt off his hips, popped open the button of his jeans, and tugged his zipper down.

            Hakyeon’s fingers hooked into the waistband of Minhyuk’s jeans. Hakyeon crouched, sliding the pants and boxers down slowly, exposing his legs a little bit at a time. Minhyuk finally moved just a little, just enough to allow Hakyeon to slip his shoes off, and then his pants and underwear too. And then Minhyuk was standing naked in the practice room, Hakyeon’s eyes still smoldering as his hands reached to pick up where they’d left off. Hakyeon’s touch was light on Minhyuk’s lower abdomen as his fingers began to drift, and this time Minhyuk shivered.

            Hakyeon’s hands moved across his hips and around them, and slid over his ass. Then they came inward, brushing over Minhyuk’s inner thighs. Minhyuk gave a soft moan as Hakyeon wrapped both hands around his cock and dragged his fingers down the length of it. But then they let go, and moved lower still, tracing lines down Minhyuk’s legs, seeming to savor each centimeter of skin that they touched. Finally Hakyeon reached Minhyuk’s feet, and even those he caressed tenderly, his fingers gliding along pale skin, drawing a path over each toe. Finally, when he seemed to have touched every single part of Minhyuk, Hakyeon stood.

            Minhyuk’s eyes were wide, his cheeks flushed, and he still couldn’t speak as Hakyeon pressed against him. He held Minhyuk’s gaze, his own still bright, still burning like a star with such heat Minhyuk was almost afraid he would melt from it. His knees went weak, and if Hakyeon hadn’t had him pressed so tightly into the wall Minhyuk would have slid to the floor.

            Hakyeon leaned in, and Minhyuk was finally given a moment of respite as he closed his eyes. The touch of his lips against Minhyuk’s was surprisingly gentle at first. Hakyeon’s tongue flicked out, tenderly tracing the inside of Minhyuk’s lips. Minhyuk’s mouth parted in a sigh, allowing Hakyeon’s tongue in deeper.

            Minhyuk kissed him with a growing urgency, Hakyeon’s mouth seeming to cause a swell of heat inside Minhyuk’s core every bit as hot as the one fanned by his sun-like gaze. He tangled his fingers in Hakyeon’s hair, and Hakyeon gave a sweet, needy growl, his teeth tugging at Minhyuk’s bottom lip as he pulled away.

            They stood still for a moment, breathless, staring at each other. The look in Hakyeon’s eyes was still intense, unreadable, confusing; and it still rendered Minhyuk speechless. Minhyuk took an unsteady breath as Hakyeon broke eye contact to crouch down again. He unzipped a pocket on Minhyuk’s bag and withdrew something. Minhyuk’s stomach fluttered.

            In Hakyeon’s hands was a tiny bottle of lube. After buying a full-size bottle days ago, Minhyuk had been given the little free sample as well. He had stuck it in the pocket of his bag and forgotten about it; but apparently Hakyeon had remembered.

            Minhyuk’s stomach butterflies fluttered faster as Hakyeon took his hand again and pulled him away from the wall and into the center of the tiny room. Minhyuk allowed Hakyeon to tug him to the ground, to press on his shoulders and lay him flat on the floor. Hakyeon straddled Minhyuk and tugged his shirt over his head. Minhyuk ran his fingers over Hakyeon’s bare torso, tracing him the way Hakyeon had traced Minhyuk. Hakyeon’s lids fluttered as he rocked his hips, and Minhyuk could see Hakyeon’s arousal straining against his tight pants. Minhyuk reached for it, breathing hard as he unbuttoned and unzipped Hakyeon’s jeans. He tugged them down, and Hakyeon kicked off his shoes and slid the rest of his clothes from his body. Still he didn’t speak, merely looked at Minhyuk with that impossibly heat-filled gaze and pressed the bottle of lube into his palm.

            Minhyuk stared at Hakyeon unflinchingly as he popped the bottle open and coated his fingers in fluid. His hand snaked around. Hakyeon squeezed his eyes shut, giving a soft whine while Minhyuk slid his first finger in, his muscles clenching involuntarily before he relaxed, making room for a second and then a third. Minhyuk circled his fingers, massaging and spreading the slick fluid over every centimeter of hot skin. Hakyeon’s teeth sank into his bottom lip as he pushed his hips down, wanting more, wanting Minhyuk to fill him up completely. Minhyuk withdrew his hand, desperate for the same, to fill every inch of space between them. He lubed himself up quickly and efficiently and then dropped the little bottle to the floor.

            Hakyeon positioned himself over Minhyuk, and Minhyuk was already panting, lying on his back on the cold floor, as Hakyeon slid onto him. He moved slowly, his gaze unbroken as he drew Minhyuk inside him, enveloping him in that incredible heat. Minhyuk moaned, arching into Hakyeon, his body trembling with desire.

            Hakyeon began to move, bracing his hands on Minhyuk’s torso as he rose and fell, rocking his hips. Minhyuk grabbed one of Hakyeon’s hands and laced their fingers together. Hakyeon gripped him tightly, pressing marks into Minhyuk’s hand—but Minhyuk didn’t mind. He gave a soft whimper, a plea for more. Hakyeon began to speed up, and Minhyuk cried out, not at all worried about being heard in the soundproof practice room.

            He gripped Hakyeon’s hip with his free hand, thrusting into him. Hakyeon ground down hard, the sweetest little aroused sounds slipping from his throat. Minhyuk almost closed his eyes, the better to savor those sounds. But the way Hakyeon was looking at him didn’t allow for Minhyuk to look away. He couldn’t break that gaze, even as Hakyeon rode him so hard Minhyuk could hardly remember his own name. He couldn’t take it, and yet he wanted more, he _needed_ more. Minhyuk thought he cried out again, although it was hard to tell. The world seemed to have narrowed to Hakyeon alone, to his eyes that filled Minhyuk with unbearable heat; to his gently parted lips, his flushed cheeks, his fingers that left trails of fire along Minhyuk’s skin—to the feeling of Hakyeon so tight and hot and soft and wet around him as his hips rocked down again and again, and Minhyuk felt like he was going to lose his mind or burst into flames or both if Hakyeon kept looking at him like that.

            But he did, and Minhyuk didn’t look away. He couldn’t, not even as he came apart. He thought he should try to hold back, to wait until Hakyeon reached his peak first. But Hakyeon had never fucked him quite like this before, and Minhyuk couldn’t take it. It was too much. His nails dug into Hakyeon’s skin as he gripped him tight, thrusting hard, burying himself as deep into Hakyeon as he possibly could. Minhyuk’s body shuddered, his hips bucked, and he moaned Hakyeon’s name so loud he thought the whole world must have heard. His orgasm coursed through his body like a flood of sweet fire, so intense it seemed to shatter him in the best possible way. He released inside his partner, Hakyeon’s name still quivering on his lips.

            Hakyeon continued to move even after Minhyuk had finished. Minhyuk gave a soft whine, the overstimulation unbearable. He wrapped his hand around Hakyeon and stroked, using just enough force to make Hakyeon groan. His partner shivered, his back arched, and Minhyuk felt Hakyeon tighten around him as he released over Minhyuk’s fingers, his gaze heady and burning and unbroken.

            They stared at each other for a long moment, breathless, dizzy, and wonderfully warm. Neither of them had spoken a word in the last several minutes, and it seemed now that they were afraid to break that silence. But finally, Minhyuk knew he had to.

            “Hakyeonie…” Minhyuk’s voice wavered, and he felt a tremor in his chest. Hakyeon’s lids lowered almost sleepily. He leaned down, his bare chest pressing against Minhyuk’s, and silenced him with a kiss.

            “I’m sorry for scaring you,” he whispered against Minhyuk’s lips. He pulled back just enough to look Minhyuk in the eyes. His pupils were dilated, and the fiery intensity of his gaze had softened now to a gentle, slow flame. “I’m sorry I almost left you alone back there.”

            “Hakyeonie…”

            “Shh,” Hakyeon soothed, brushing a hand over Minhyuk’s hair, the way Minhyuk had once done for him. “Do you know why I took so long to look at you? Why I wanted to touch every part of you?” Minhyuk shook his head, once again rendered speechless by the mere look in Hakyeon’s eyes.

            “It’s because I love you,” Hakyeon murmured. He searched Minhyuk’s face, practically glowing with admiration as he looked him over. “I love every part of you. You’re beautiful in every way, Lee Minhyuk, and I can’t believe I ever allowed myself to forget how lucky I was to have you.” Minhyuk’s breath caught in his throat. Hakyeon gave him a small, apologetic smile.

            “I’m sorry I used you just now, but I needed to remind myself why I fought so hard to be with you.” Minhyuk shifted his hips a little, enjoying the way Hakyeon gasped with pleasure in response.

            “If this is what you mean by “using me,” then you can use me as much as you want,” Minhyuk murmured, his voice hoarse. Hakyeon laughed softly.

            “Good. Really, though, I’m sorry. I know I scared you, and…and when Mom turned away from me, there _was_ a moment where I wanted to slip away again. I wanted to give up.” Minhyuk’s stomach twisted in worry as Hakyeon dropped his gaze in shame. But then he looked at Minhyuk again, and there was a tender sort of determination in his eyes.

            “But I’m not going to. Okay?” Minhyuk searched Hakyeon’s face, and found sincerity. “I’m never going to do that to you again, Minhyukie. I want to be with you too, and no matter how much all of this hurts, it can’t possibly hurt worse than being separated from you. I know that now. I know it, so please…I don’t want you to ever feel that fear again.” Minhyuk felt his eyes sting, but this time it wasn’t with terror or despair; it was gratitude and love. And probably, also, relief.

            For months Minhyuk hadn’t been able to sleep easy, or to eat right, or to laugh with his friends without a nagging voice in the back of his mind telling him he had no business acting happy and carefree when Hakyeon was dying in front of him. He’d been anxious and afraid and sad and worried for his partner all the time. The thought that he could lose Hakyeon at any moment had nearly driven him mad.

            To hear Hakyeon promise him now that Minhyuk didn’t need to be afraid anymore, that he could love him without feeling like he was holding Hakyeon over the edge of a cliff while the rope in his hands slowly frayed…it was Minhyuk’s most desperate wish, all he’d ever wanted. Hakyeon seemed to understand what Minhyuk was feeling. He blinked at him, all the affection and love in the world dancing like warm pools of light in his eyes. He leaned down and kissed Minhyuk softly, a promise on his lips that he would keep his word.

            Minhyuk held Hakyeon tightly, loosing a heavy breath as the vines that had wrapped like thorn-tipped snakes around his heart for months, squeezing him dry, finally loosened their deathly grip. It was the greatest relief in the world.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to give Hakyeon a party when he got home from the hospital after reading "Goodbye, my lover" by MarieMaknae23 (very different story, but the circumstances in that scene were similar--she gave Hakyeon a party first). I liked the idea of everyone acknowledging what Hakyeon had done and still being able to say "It's okay," and celebrating his coming home rather than treating him like he was breakable.


	23. Spring

 

            Hakyeon gave a small sigh, and Minhyuk squeezed him. “Oh. Sorry,” Hakyeon murmured when he felt Minhyuk’s arms tighten their grip. He hadn’t meant to sigh like that, but he’d lost himself in his thoughts again and forgotten. Minhyuk rubbed his arm.

            “Don’t apologize, Hakyeonie,” he said softly. “You can sigh, cry, break things…do whatever you want. You have every right to.” Hakyeon shifted a little, pressing his cheek to Minhyuk’s chest.

            “I just want to lay here with you.” His voice was quiet, tired and frayed like a worn piece of cloth. Minhyuk kissed the top of his head.

            “Then you can do that too. I’ll stay here all night with you, I promise.” After they’d left the practice room, Hakyeon had taken Minhyuk home with him. Minhyuk had quietly informed the VIXX members of what had happened with his mother, and explained that he would be staying over that night to comfort Hakyeon. They had all agreed that was a good idea.

            So now here Minhyuk lay, dressed in a pair of Hakyeon’s sweatpants for pajamas and curled up with him in bed. The room was dark, the dorm quiet. Minhyuk suspected at least some of the members were sleeping, though knowing the night-owl habits of VIXX it was likely a few were still awake. They’d agreed to keep things quiet for Hakyeon though, and Minhyuk hadn’t heard a sound in a while.

            Hakyeon still couldn’t seem to sleep, however, so Minhyuk stayed awake with him, holding him in his arms. Even though Hakyeon had promised Minhyuk he wasn’t going to give up, he was still crushed by his encounter with his mother earlier that day. That nightmare glazed look hadn’t returned to his eyes; but his gaze had become dull, tired, and sad as the day drew to a close, and Minhyuk knew his own heart would shatter if he left Hakyeon alone like that.

            “Eunkwang and our manager gave me permission to stay here as many nights as I want,” Minhyuk revealed then. “So even if you can’t rest now, I’ll wait this out with you until you can.” Hakyeon sighed again, pressing even closer to Minhyuk.

            “I don’t deserve you,” he murmured. Minhyuk snorted softly.

            “Of course you do. You deserve everything good in your life and more. Your fans don’t call you an angel for nothing, Hakyeon…you’re beautiful.” He sat up just enough to kiss Hakyeon on the cheek, and felt him smile a little. Hakyeon readjusted himself, laying his head right over Minhyuk’s heart. Listening to his partner’s heartbeat soothed Hakyeon—they were similar that way. So, Minhyuk placed a warm hand over Hakyeon’s exposed ear, both to comfort and to block out any outside noise. Minhyuk stayed still and quiet, allowing Hakyeon to simply lie there and listen. His lids began to droop, and after perhaps another hour in the dark, warm in Minhyuk’s embrace, Hakyeon finally fell asleep. And only when Minhyuk had been listening to his quiet, steady breathing for several long minutes did he allow himself to close his eyes, and at last join Hakyeon in dreaming.

 

 

 

            Hakyeon and Minhyuk smiled at each other as they scrolled through the YouTube comments. They’d released a dance practice video for the song they’d made together, and so far the feedback had been largely positive. The song was sweet and moving, dedicated as a thank you to everyone who had supported the two of them since the pictures were released, and as a message that love was stronger than hate. Hakyeon and Minhyuk had agreed that they wanted to inspire people like them, and tell them it was okay to feel the way they did.

            “No more apologizing,” Minhyuk had said. “We’re gonna own this from now on.” They may have been outed against their will, but they were going to be proud of the side of themselves those pictures had revealed.

            “Suicide is a major problem for LGBT youth in South Korea,” Hakyeon had told one reporter in an interview about the song. “I know what it feels like to think you deserve to die for being who you are, or to think you don’t have another choice…I don’t want anyone else to feel like that. If we can help, we want to try.” Hakyeon supposed that was why he was sitting here now, reading comments on Minhyuk’s phone with him in the middle of a fashion photo-shoot.

Today was the first time in history a major fashion company in Korea had employed a same-sex couple, much less celebrities, to be the models for a romantic-themed advertisement. Hakyeon and Minhyuk would be modeling couple clothing.

They’d been surprised when the company contacted them with the offer, and more surprised still when their CEOs had encouraged them to do it. The clothing company wanted to promote a progressive image, they said, and a message that their clothing was for anyone, regardless of who they loved. Their CEOs had decided it might not be a bad thing to try. Minhyuk and Hakyeon had been all over the news for a while, and given the nature of their exposure—hacked private pictures leaked all over the internet—there really wasn’t anything they could do to cover it up. Hakyeon and Minhyuk had agreed when the pictures were released that they wouldn’t make up ridiculous excuses, and would simply admit the truth, together. Since there was no other option, their CEOs had allowed them to make a public statement. And now, after everything that had happened, months of struggle and Hakyeon’s double suicide attempts, their CEOs had decided they might as well not just admit who they were, but embrace it.

            “Why not show everyone you’re confident in who you are?” Hakyeon’s CEO had said. “Let all those anti-fans and haters see that they can’t break you. If you and Minhyuk-ah want to do it, Hakyeon, I say go for it.” Hakyeon and Minhyuk had discussed it, and they’d been uncertain at first; but the idea grew on them as they talked. They knew they’d get some negative publicity for it, and people would say they were only acting for attention. There were good reasons to do it, though, and the more they talked the more those reasons seemed to outweigh the potential bad.

            “We could be role models, you know?” Hakyeon had suggested. “For kids like us.” Minhyuk’s eyes had lit up at the thought.

            “Yeah. I told you my first ever crush was a boy, right?” Hakyeon nodded. “I would’ve loved to have someone in the media who’d tell me that was okay.” Minhyuk had turned his phone around in his hands uncertainly, and then looked at his partner. “I don’t know, Hakyeon, maybe we should do it.” Hakyeon had taken a deep breath.

“I think we should.” So now, here they were. Hakyeon and Minhyuk were wearing matching sweaters with blue and white stripes, and light jeans. Minhyuk lowered his phone when the director told them they had two minutes before the shoot. Hakyeon gave a nervous little sigh, and Minhyuk smiled at him. He gestured for him to stand and then took his hands and laced their fingers together. He swung their arms out and in playfully. “This is going to be fun,” he said firmly.

“This is going to be fun,” Hakyeon repeated.

“We’re doing a good thing.”

“We’re doing a good thing.”

“We look sexy as hell.” Hakyeon laughed.

“We look sexy as hell.” Hakyeon knew Minhyuk was encouraging them both right now, trying to help ease their nerves. So he repeated Minhyuk’s words with conviction to show him he was committed to doing this, and to doing it with Minhyuk. The photographer called for them, and they walked together over to the set.

It was designed to look like a bright, sunlit living room. The walls and floor were white, the couch a pale cream, and the set accented with pillows and accessories in light spring colors. There were also flower petals scattered about, as though the owners of the home had left the windows open and the wind had blown blossoms inside. There was a table beside the couch piled with old-looking books. The photographer took the top book off the pile and handed it to Hakyeon.

“Alright, Hakyeon-ssi. I want you to sit down on the right side of the couch-yes, like that. Now Minhyuk-ssi, I want you to lie down and put your head in his lap. You two are comfortable with that, right?” Hakyeon and Minhyuk nodded. “Good. We’re going to do our best to make all these scenes feel very sweet and natural, okay? We want people to see this and think it feels like a good thing, just two people with an ordinary connection engaging in ordinary, everyday things. We think that’s a good approach to take, right?”

“Yes sir, we agree,” Minhyuk assured him. Like the photographer, Hakyeon and Minhyuk wanted people to see their relationship as normal, not remarkable. Rather than a photo-shoot that glorified what they had as something exotic and unique, Hakyeon and Minhyuk would rather pose for pictures that sent the world a message of everyday romance and normalcy.

Minhyuk lay down on the couch as he’d been instructed, lying on his back and resting his head on Hakyeon’s lap like it was a pillow. Hakyeon couldn’t help but smile down at him. The photographer handed Hakyeon the book.

“Open it to any random page in the middle,” he explained, “and start reading. I want it to look like you’re reading to Minhyuk-ssi, so make sure your arms look natural…” Hakyeon opened the book and allowed the man to reposition him just a little. “There, that’s good. Stay like that.” The photographer hurried off the set and grabbed his camera. “Close your eyes, Minhyuk-ssi. I want you to try to look relaxed—not sleeping, just relaxed, like you’re content to just lie there and listen to Hakyeon.” Minhyuk did as instructed, smiling a little. He was always content to lie there and listen to Hakyeon.

Hakyeon started to read. The story turned out to be a book of fairy tales, and he’d opened to the middle of Snow White. The photographer snapped his camera, making a pleased sound now and then. Eventually he lowered it.

“Good. Now hold the book in one hand instead of two—yes, like that. Now take your free hand and run it through Minhyuk’s hair a little, like you’re playing with his hair. Yes, that’s good. Now keep reading while you do it.” Again, Hakyeon and Minhyuk did as instructed. To their relief, they were both starting to feel rather comfortable; especially Minhyuk, who, with his eyes closed, could almost forget he was at a photo-shoot at all. Lying in Hakyeon’s lap, his fingers playing with Minhyuk’s hair while his soft voice carried steadily through the room…it was a feeling familiar as air, and Minhyuk could have fallen asleep on that couch given enough time.

At one point the photographer had Minhyuk turn so he was lying on his side, his face facing the camera and his head still resting in Hakyeon’s lap. He took several more photos.

Eventually the shutter of the camera stopped, and the photographer approached them again. “Good, I think those will turn out well. Let’s change your position.” Minhyuk reluctantly sat up. “Alright, Hakyeon-ssi, it’s your turn. I want you to both stay sitting up, but Hakyeon-ssi, you’re going to lean against Minhyuk-ssi now. Rest your head on his shoulder, yes, and put an arm around his torso-ah, perfect! You two are great at this.” Hakyeon and Minhyuk smiled. Of course they were great. The photographer was posing them in such natural positions, it was easy. He handed Minhyuk the book.

“Now you’re going to read to him. Yes, close your eyes, Hakyeon-ssi, same as before.” They settled into position, Minhyuk with one arm around Hakyeon while he held the book and read to him. The camera shuttered for a while, and then stopped. “Alright, Hakyeon-ssi. Now I’d like you to look up at Minhyuk-ssi. He’s going to keep reading, but I want you to look at him and smile just a little, like—well, yes, like that.” Hakyeon looked at Minhyuk as instructed, and immediately his face had lit in a sweet, affectionate smile, genuine as sunlight. The photographer couldn’t ask for anything better, so he went quiet and snapped photos. Hakyeon kept his eyes on Minhyuk, and Minhyuk read on, a smile tugging at his own lips. Eventually, they were done.

“Great!” the photographer said. “I think those all went really well. You two can take a quick look at the photos with me if you want.” Hakyeon and Minhyuk stood and walked over to the computer, where all the photos were displayed. They smiled when they saw them.

“Aw. We look cute, don’t we?” Minhyuk said. The photographer nodded, scrolling through the photos.

“Yep, I’m pretty sure there are several we can use here. Alright, let’s move to the next set. Oh, and change your outfits.”

“You know, I think this _is_ fun,” Hakyeon whispered. Minhyuk grinned and squeezed his hand.

 

Now Hakyeon and Minhyuk were sitting at a round table, wearing matching blue button downs on a set that made them look like they were sitting outside a café in spring. There were white cups of coffee in front of them and bright spring flowers in the middle of the table. The photographer asked Hakyeon to take a sip of his drink while Minhyuk pretended to talk. He snapped a few shots while Hakyeon did, though the drink was heavily topped with whipped cream and when he lowered the cup he had a thick white mustache.

Minhyuk laughed, stole some whipped cream from Hakyeon’s lips with his finger, and put it in his mouth. The action was entirely chaste, Minhyuk only wanting the whipped cream because it was tasty. Hakyeon wiped off the rest of the cream with a napkin while the photographer paused, looking at them contemplatively. “Would you two be willing to kiss?” he asked suddenly. Hakyeon and Minhyuk looked at him in surprise.

“You want a photo of that?” Minhyuk asked.

“I think it would fit the theme,” the photographer replied. “If you two aren’t comfortable, you don’t have to. But I’m perfectly open to showing that, and I think it would be good for people to see.” Hakyeon and Minhyuk looked at each other. Should they do it? They hadn’t originally planned to kiss on camera, but…would it really be bad if they did? No one had told them not to. Besides, Hakyeon had kissed women on camera in dramas before, so why should this be so different?

“I’ll do it if you’re comfortable with it,” Minhyuk told him. Hakyeon hesitated. He wished then that he could be as open and unashamed as Minhyuk—not that he did feel shame, not anymore. But oh, the things people would say about that photo…but Hakyeon shook himself.

No.

Why should he worry about that? He was so _tired_ of worrying about things like that. He’d almost died from worrying about what other people thought of him. The people who really cared about Hakyeon had already seen him kiss Minhyuk, and so had all the fans who had seen the leaked pictures and supported him anyway. This picture wouldn’t change their hearts, and they were the only ones who really mattered. A photo wouldn’t hurt them, Hakyeon decided. All it would do was show the people who _tried_ to hurt them that Hakyeon and Minhyuk loved each other, and they weren’t going to be pressured into denying that.

The only photo of them kissing right now was one that had been stolen by a hacker from Minhyuk’s phone. It was private, and made public against their will. This one would be open, a willing choice, and that would say so much to the kids Minhyuk and Hakyeon were hoping to help. Wasn’t that why they’d done this photo-shoot in the first place? Hakyeon would love to have seen a picture of a same-sex couple in love and unafraid to show it in a major magazine when he was a kid. There had to be kids right now who were hoping for the same thing, and Hakyeon now had the chance to give it to them. So he would.

“Alright,” he agreed. Minhyuk looked a little surprised.

“Are you sure?” Hakyeon smiled at him.

“I’m sure. The photographer’s right. This will be good for people to see.” Minhyuk smiled back.

“Okay.” The photographer backed up, trying to find the perfect angle.

“Great! Then we’ll try this a few ways. First, I want you two to hold hands and just lean across the table to each other. Yes, like that.” Minhyuk and Hakyeon had their faces close to one another but weren’t quite kissing yet, allowing the photographer to get into place. “Alright, I’m good. Do it whenever you’re ready.”

Hakyeon and Minhyuk held each other’s gaze. Minhyuk squeezed Hakyeon’s hand a little in encouragement. Hakyeon blinked in response, his eyes warm with trust. He was happy to do this—they both were. So they closed their eyes, leaned a little closer, and pressed their lips together. They were dimly aware of the sound of the camera shuttering, and a few excited whispers from some staff members. But all of that was background noise as Hakyeon and Minhyuk’s awareness narrowed to nothing but each other. It was exhilarating, kissing in public like this for the first time. It felt so liberating, so blissful and free, to be able to do this beyond closed doors without worrying about people shouting, people getting upset or giving them dark looks or cursing at them. They really were a normal couple right now. And it was wonderful.

Somehow Hakyeon and Minhyuk maintained just enough presence of mind to hear when the camera stopped shuttering. They held the kiss a moment more, and then broke apart. They looked at each other, eyes warm and pupils dilated. They smiled.

“That was…very good,” the photographer said, sounding a little surprised. “Very good indeed. I wasn’t even sure if you two would agree to it, but I got some beautiful shots. I’m telling you, the readers are gonna feel the love through the photos, that’s how good it was.” Minhyuk laughed softly.

“Good. That’s what we’re going for.” And at those words, Hakyeon felt such a rush of gratitude for the man in front of him he thought he might melt from it. It staggered him to think about what he’d almost given up when he nearly let Minhyuk go. Minhyuk had fought for them throughout the hardest time in their lives, he’d supported Hakyeon at every turn, he’d loved him even when he wanted to scream at him, he’d stayed strong for them when all he wanted to do was break down… _he_ was the miracle in Hakyeon’s eyes, not Hakyeon himself. He was proof that their love could never be wrong, never a mistake; it was as sweet and pure as anything in the world, and Hakyeon vowed then that he would never deny or be ashamed of it. Never again.

Hakyeon grabbed Minhyuk’s face and pulled him into another kiss. Minhyuk squeaked in surprise and the photographer leapt back to snap a couple action shots. Hakyeon was laughing when he pulled away, his eyes damp. Minhyuk looked at him and laughed too, and it felt like the whole room laughed with them, joyful and free, until they were too breathless to do anything but smile.


	24. Gold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A thousand apologies for taking *way* too long to post this chapter. I'll make sure to get the next one up sooner. Thanks!

 

 

 

            Idols stood on the sidelines of the track, many jumping up and down and cheering. Hakyeon screamed louder than anyone, an unusual thing for him, but Minhyuk was in this race and was so close to winning. Minhyuk had trained extra hard for the Idol Olympics this year—Hakyeon had hardly seen him in weeks. He’d told Hakyeon he wanted to win as many events as possible, to prove to everyone who’d ever doubted them that he could be attracted to men and still be tough at the same time.

            Hakyeon had encouraged him, telling Minhyuk to do whatever he needed to do to train, even if it had meant cancelling date nights and only calling each other a few times a week. Hakyeon wanted Minhyuk to win too, both for the smile it would put on his partner’s face, and for the principle Minhyuk wanted to represent.

            Another man was leading, and Hakyeon would rather _anyone_ besides him take the medal. He’d said enough homophobic remarks to Hakyeon and Minhyuk to warrant being thrown out of the games, if the two had bothered to tell on him. But they hadn’t, wanting to stand their ground and prove that they could hold their own.

            Minhyuk flew past, and Hakyeon screamed his name. Minhyuk’s eyes widened a bit; he’d heard Hakyeon’s voice. And suddenly his already pumping legs picked up speed. He pushed a little harder, stepped a little faster, and suddenly he was pulling ahead. The man shook his head, practically growling as he tried to regain his lead. But Minhyuk was determined; he’d heard Hakyeon urging him on, and with his partner’s voice ringing in his ears, he knew he couldn’t lose.

            Minhyuk pulled further, and by the time he crossed the finish line, he was a good three feet in front of the other man. The white ribbon broke across his torso, and Minhyuk slowed just enough not to slam completely into the padded wall at the end of the racetrack.

            Minhyuk’s teammates, group members, and friends all jumped up and down, yelling in triumph. The Melodies and Starlights in the stands roared with approval. Minhyuk’s team members ran forward to surround him, patting him and hugging him and grinning huge grins.

            Hakyeon ran forward, and when Minhyuk saw him he ran to greet him. Minhyuk grabbed Hakyeon in a hug, picking him right up off his feet and spinning him around. Minhyuk set him on the ground and took Hakyeon’s face in his hands, pulling him into a jubilant kiss. The crowd screamed in appreciation. Hakyeon was startled, but pleasantly so, and he kissed Minhyuk back for the brief moment that their lips touched. After their article with the fashion magazine was published, Hakyeon had lost most of his reservations about showing affection for Minhyuk in public.

            Minhyuk broke away, slinging an arm around a laughing Hakyeon while he greeted the team members and friends who hadn’t congratulated him yet. Several idols were watching him with wide eyes after his very open kiss with Hakyeon, but most still applauded him as he made his way over to the post-race interview.

            Minhyuk kept his arm around Hakyeon’s waist throughout the interview. When the reporter asked Minhyuk about the kiss, Minhyuk’s already bright smile widened. “Well, I was falling behind in the race. But when I passed Hakyeon, I heard him screaming my name, urging me to win, and that was what really gave me the extra push to pull ahead.”

            “So he’s the reason you won?” the interviewer asked. Minhyuk nodded, beaming at Hakyeon.

            “I figured I owed him a thank you.” He kissed Hakyeon on the cheek, Hakyeon smiling like the sun while he did. The interviewer congratulated him again, and then drew the interview to a close. When Minhyuk got his medal, Hakyeon clapped and cheered louder than anyone.

 

 

By the end of the day, Hakyeon’s voice was hoarse from all the screaming. Minhyuk found him immediately after the last medal ceremony, and Hakyeon smirked as he took Minhyuk’s wrist and led him out of the stands and into one of the locker rooms beneath the stadium.

Hakyeon pushed Minhyuk up against the wall, holding his wrists so he couldn’t escape as Hakyeon pressed their lips together. He could feel Minhyuk’s smile as he kissed him back.

            “My amazing gold medalist,” Hakyeon murmured in his ear. Minhyuk had won every event he competed in today, and there were now three heavy gold medals hanging around his neck. “You’re getting the winner’s treatment tonight.” Minhyuk grinned, shivering in anticipation.

            “Well I couldn’t have won without you,” he murmured, gasping when Hakyeon began sucking at the soft skin on his neck. Minhyuk tasted like sweat, but Hakyeon didn’t mind, lapping it all up. That tinge of salt just meant that Minhyuk had worked hard today, and fought even harder to achieve his goal.

            “I’m glad I could encourage you,” Hakyeon said softly. “I’m so proud of you, Minhyukie.” Minhyuk had pushed himself close to his breaking point these past few weeks, and Hakyeon knew he had done it not just for himself, but for both of them. Proving Minhyuk could be every bit as strong as people used to think he was would benefit both him and Hakyeon, and Minhyuk knew that. He’d wanted to win for both of them.

            “Would you have been proud if I hadn’t won anything?” Minhyuk asked. Hakyeon pulled back to look at him, his gaze steady and sure.

            “Absolutely. I’m not proud that you won—I’m proud because I know how hard you worked to get here. I’m proud of you for fighting for us both, and you’d still be a winner to me if you’d come last place in everything.” Hakyeon was surprised by how touched Minhyuk looked then. He should’ve known Hakyeon didn’t care about him winning, but still Hakyeon could swear Minhyuk’s eyes had just gotten a little damper than before.

            Hakyeon stroked a hand through Minhyuk’s hair, smiling at him gently. “You’ll always be first place to me.” Minhyuk smiled back, his eyes sparkling, and hugged Hakyeon tight.

            “Thank you, Hakyeonie.” Hakyeon ran a hand down his back, feeling fuzzy and warm.

            “But, you know,” he added then, “I am glad you won.” Minhyuk laughed. He pulled back from the hug and kissed Hakyeon, brimming with fondness.

            It was a good few moments before a voice said, “Whoa! Reign it in, you two.” Hakyeon and Minhyuk broke off the kiss, looking up to see the same man who’d nearly beaten Minhyuk in the race looking at them with disapproval. His arms were crossed, hiding the silver of the only medal he’d won that day. He glanced between the two of them, and then looked pointedly at Minhyuk, jerking his head at Hakyeon as he spoke.

            “What, did you picture his bare ass in front of you during that race? I can’t imagine what else could make you run that fast.” Hakyeon bristled, but Minhyuk tightened his grip on him in warning. Ordinarily Minhyuk would have been pissed, but he was walking on clouds today, and not even this asshole could bring him down—particularly when he was clearly sulking about losing to Minhyuk.

            “Not quite,” Minhyuk said casually. “I actually imagined _your_ ass, and I gotta say, it was just so horrifying that I had to run away from it as fast as I could. Thanks for the motivation—I don’t think wild dogs could’ve made me run that fast.” The man gaped at Minhyuk, speechless. Hakyeon grinned, barely managing to keep himself from bursting into laughter. Minhyuk gave him a little tug, urging him towards the exit. Hakyeon walked away with him, their arms around each other’s waists.

            Just as they were about to leave, Minhyuk turned to look back at the man. He gave Hakyeon’s ass a deliberate pat and raised an eyebrow at the man. “Jealous?” he mouthed. The man bristled. He was clearly about to start sputtering that no, he wasn’t jealous, _why_ would he be jealous? Of course he wasn't…

            But Minhyuk didn’t give him the chance, turning around and chuckling as he walked away with his partner. They’d both won today, in more ways than one, and Minhyuk was quite satisfied to leave man floundering, and maybe wondering in the back of his mind if he _was_ a little jealous that Minhyuk got to touch Hakyeon’s perfect ass and he didn't.

            “You know, I think he _was_ jealous,” Hakyeon commented as they walked.

            “Well who wouldn’t be?” Minhyuk countered, stroking his hand over the curve of Hakyeon’s butt. “That “Chabooty” is legendary for a reason.” Hakyeon groaned.

            “Oh god, there are so many memes now about how “Minhyuk got the Chabooty!” and “Someone finally caught the Chabooty!”” Minhyuk laughed, giving Hakyeon’s ass a playful squeeze before moving his hand back up to his waist, as they were about to enter public space again.

            “Can’t say that doesn’t make me feel proud,” Minhyuk admitted. “It’s quite the accomplishment, you know.”

            “Oh, I _do_ know,” Hakyeon assured him. He winked, and Minhyuk was still chuckling as they walked back out into the arena.

 

 

            That night VIXX, BTOB, and some other friends from the Idol Olympics had a celebratory dinner together. Hakyeon and Minhyuk were the last to arrive at the restaurant, having been cornered on their way out of the games by multiple agents from various industries. Ever since the article in the fashion magazine went out, Hakyeon and Minhyuk had been getting offers for photo shoots, interviews, and more. They’d also garnered a fair amount of international attention. And, despite a small surge in hate, they’d also gained a large amount of support for their efforts. Even though Hakyeon had gotten a bit of a talking to from his CEO for kissing Minhyuk in one of the magazine photos, in the end the article had had the positive impact they’d hoped for.

            Minhyuk said his favorite response to the fashion shoot was a message he’d gotten from a former Melody, who said that seeing the shoot and reading the article had encouraged her to come back to the fandom. She said it made her see he and Hakyeon really were in love, and the whole thing was so sweet she really couldn’t see anything wrong with it anymore.

            Hakyeon’s favorite response was when a boy on the street thanked him for doing the shoot, saying that seeing it had given him the courage to come out to his parents. Hakyeon thanked him in turn for his support, and the two both left that day feeling like the other had given them something valuable.

            “Hey, you actually came!” Ilhoon declared when he saw the couple walk through the glass doors of the restaurant’s patio. “Thought you two bailed on us to sneak off somewhere and fu—“

            “Hey, Hakyeon and Minhyuk are here!” Eunkwang cried, loud enough to cover the end of Ilhoon’s sentence. He went up to them both and hugged them in turn. “Glad you finally got away from all those agents.”

            “Anyone offer you a movie deal yet?” Hyunsik wanted to know.

            “Not yet,” Minhyuk sighed, “but I’m still holding out.” Their friends led them to a couple free spaces at the table. Leo and Hongbin were already grilling the meat, and Ken and Changsub had just made the whole group laugh with some gag involving three chopsticks, something about Wolverine, and a lot of kimchi. Hakyeon grinned as he sat down, placing a hand on Ken’s wrist and telling him to put down the chopsticks before he poked someone in the eye.

            “Yes, Mom,” Ken sighed; but he obeyed, setting the impromptu weapons aside. Dinner passed in a blur of laughter and comfort. Everyone was exhausted but happy after the long day, and by the time the wait staff brought out dessert Hakyeon was starting to feel a little sleepy. The party had reserved the whole outside space of the restaurant, and the night air was pleasant on the patio. There were pretty white lights strung through the trees, and soft instrumental music made for a lovely background to the conversation. It was quite beautiful, really, and Hakyeon was so lost in the pleasant atmosphere that it took him a moment to notice that everyone seemed to be leaving the table all at once. Hakyeon looked around in confusion, only to feel a hand on his wrist. Minhyuk smiled down at him, his eyes gleaming with anticipation and…was that nervousness?

            “Come here,” Minhyuk requested, pulling Hakyeon to his feet. Hakyeon obliged, following Minhyuk from the table to a space on the edge of the courtyard, beneath the trees. There was a patch of grass there, and small pond with a waterfall, the moving water sparkling where it reflected the lights in the trees. Hakyeon glanced around, and realized their friends were all standing around them, several holding their phones out like they were taking a picture. Or a video.

            Hakyeon looked back at Minhyuk then, raising his eyebrows in question. Minhyuk took a deep breath—oh, he was definitely nervous—and took both of Hakyeon’s hands in his.

            “Hakyeon.” Minhyuk’s voice was unusually serious, and he was looking directly at him, unflinching. “I’ve told you I love you more times than I can remember, but I think it was only after all the hell of this last year that I really understood what those words meant.” Minhyuk paused, looking at the ground a moment while he gathered his thoughts. He seemed to steel himself, raising his eyes back to Hakyeon’s before continuing.

“When I almost lost you…” Minhyuk’s voice wavered, and Hakyeon squeezed his hands to give him strength. “When I was sitting in that hospital, waiting for the doctors to tell me if you were okay, if I’d ever see you again…it was like all the light, all the color in my world, had just drained away. I felt like I was stuck in a monochrome dream, and I was afraid that if they told me you were gone, I’d never really wake up.” Hakyeon blinked, fighting hard to hold back the tears welling in his eyes. Minhyuk went on.

            “And when I got you back…when I knew you were going to be okay, not just physically but emotionally, when you told me that day in the practice room that you wouldn’t give up…I finally understood what it meant to say I love you: It means you’re the best reason my world is beautiful. You give my life color—you light it up, without even trying. No matter where we are, when I’m with you, it becomes a place I never want to leave.” Hakyeon’s cheeks were wet, but he was too wrapped up in Minhyuk’s words to notice. Minhyuk looked down at their joined hands for a moment, and then back up at Hakyeon again.

            “You’re my home, Hakyeonie,” he said. “You’re my light. And I want to be with you for the rest of my life.” Minhyuk let go of their hands then, only to take a step back and lower himself to one knee.

            “I’ve been telling people you’re my husband for a while,” Minhyuk explained as he reached into his pocket, “but I’ve never actually done anything to make it official.” Hakyeon brought a hand to his mouth as Minhyuk withdrew a tiny black velvet box. “It could be a long time before people here accept us, but I think we both agreed that doesn’t matter now. So…” Minhyuk popped open the box. Inside, nestled in cream-colored silk, was a gold ring. It was simple and elegant, a perfect blend of Hakyeon and Minhyuk’s personal tastes. Minhyuk smiled up at him, an honest, sweet, hopeful little smile.

            “Cha Hakyeon…will you marry me?” Hakyeon was speechless. He didn’t…he couldn’t…what did he say now? He’d forgotten every word he ever knew.

            “How?” Hakyeon breathed after a moment. They weren’t allowed to get married…but Minhyuk just shrugged.

“It won’t be _legally_ binding,” he admitted. “But why should we need the approval of a bunch of stuffy old men anyway? They can’t stop us from at least having a ceremony.” Hakyeon lowered his hand, staring down at Minhyuk in wonder. His damp eyes shone, and Minhyuk thought his lips were twitching at the edges. But Minhyuk couldn’t quite tell what that meant, and he was starting to feel a little self-conscious. He half-lowered the box, his voice dropping. “If you think it’s stupid, we don’t have to…”

Before he could go on, Hakyeon grabbed him by the wrist and yanked him to his feet. Minhyuk barely had time to blink before Hakyeon pulled him into a passionate kiss, wrapping his arms around Minhyuk and holding him tight. Their friends gasped in surprise. Hakyeon French kissed him right there and Minhyuk, unprepared for the sudden intensity, could hardly keep himself from moaning. When Hakyeon pulled back, he practically had to hold Minhyuk up. Minhyuk gazed at him through heady, startled eyes, his knees wobbly. Hakyeon was smiling through his tears like sunlight through rain, and his laugh was even brighter.

“Of course I’ll marry you, Lee Minhyuk. I was starting to think you’d never ask.” Minhyuk blinked, stupefied. Then he laughed too, and Hakyeon’s playful little smirk only made him laugh harder. Their audience clapped and a few whooped, pumping their fists in the air triumphantly. Hakyeon kissed Minhyuk again, not giving a damn who saw, knowing that the people watching now didn’t care anyway.

When they finally broke apart their friends moved in close to congratulate them.

“About time, hyung,” Hyuk said, patting Hakyeon on the back. “You’re getting too old to be dating.” Hakyeon gave him a good-natured neck slice. Several people hugged him, and Ken called for a celebratory round of soju. By the time everyone sat back down at the table, VIXX was engaged in a heated argument over who would get to be Hakyeon’s best man. Hakyeon leaned close to Minhyuk.

“Can you have five best men in a wedding ceremony?” he muttered, watching his members warily. Minhyuk chuckled.

“Why not? It’s for us, right? We can do whatever we want.” Hakyeon smiled, and clinked his drink glass against Minhyuk’s.

“For us,” he agreed. Minhyuk leaned his head on Hakyeon’s shoulder. They admired the faces of their friends, flushed from alcohol and laughter and warmth. Hakyeon sighed comfortably, leaning into Minhyuk and closing his eyes to bask in the familiar sound of their voices. It had been a long time since he felt so content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed the overdue update. The next chapter will be the last, but I plan to make it a long one! I'll post a more heartfelt thank you when that chapter goes up, but for now I just want to say thank you all for reading--writing and sharing this story has been a wonderful experience :)


	25. Peace

 

 

 

            Hakyeon grinned as he watched all five VIXX members trot down the aisle in a line. They looked like dapper ducklings, and in that moment Hakyeon was particularly glad he’d insisted they all wear matching suits. It was adorable, and really did make him feel like a proud mom.

            Knowing a wedding hall wasn’t the ideal venue for them, Minhyuk’s parents had rented a house outside the city for a day and put together the celebration in the backyard. They’d all wanted something small and private anyway, so this was better. There were trees with delicate pink cherry blossoms shading the guests, and soft green grass to walk on. Hakyeon’s siblings had all come, and brought their spouses and children too. Hakyeon’s sister was wearing a beautiful pink hanbok, having volunteered to take the place of his absent mother. Minhyuk’s mother sat across the aisle from her in blue, her eyes shiny with happy tears. She’d admitted to Hakyeon she’d been awfully sad at the thought of never attending a wedding for her youngest son. She’d been delighted to hear about Minhyuk’s proposal and thrown herself into helping. Really the loveliness of this ceremony was thanks to her.

            Hakyeon followed his members down the grassy aisle. He couldn’t say why he was nervous. His sister was beaming at him, all encouragement, the guests were smiling, and Minhyuk looked like his favorite dream had come to life and was walking towards him now, like he couldn’t wait to have him close.

            Hakyeon had convinced Minhyuk to wear the cream colored suit (“Because you can’t tell me I don’t look sexy as hell in black,” Hakyeon had argued), and the color fit the spring setting, giving him a warm, inviting look. Hakyeon couldn’t help grinning back at him as he reached the front. They hadn’t seen any reason to get any sort of “official” person to lead the ceremony—there was nothing strictly traditional about this wedding anyway—so Minhyuk’s older brother had offered to do it instead. He led the couple through the brief ceremony. Minhyuk’s vows were sweet and sincere, different from his proposal but with the same feel. When it was Hakyeon’s turn, he squeezed Minhyuk’s hands and looked right into his waiting eyes.

            “Minhyuk…the first day we met, I knew we’d be best friends. We were still trainees then. We were exhausted, starting to lose hope in our futures, thinking we might never debut…honestly I didn’t really want to hang out with you. I kind of just wanted to go home.” The crowd chuckled appreciatively. Hakyeon smiled and went on. “But then you made me laugh. Even though I was so tired, you made me laugh until we couldn’t remember why we were upset, and from that moment on I was grateful for you. When we filmed “Romantic and Idol” together I realized pretty quickly that you were more than a friend to me. People kept telling me to “pick a girl, which girl do you like?” By the end I was about five minutes from putting a wig on your head and saying “this one!” cameras and all.” Minhyuk laughed softly. Hakyeon dropped his eyes shyly for a moment, and then raised them again with determination.

            “Minhyuk, what we’ve been through together would’ve been enough to make anyone give up. I tried to, more than once—but you never let me. And I’m grateful for that too, because I’ve realized now that losing you is the only thing in this world I can’t bear.” Hakyeon squeezed his hands again. Minhyuk’s eyes were swimming. “You helped me find my strength by giving me your own. I want you to know that through all of this, I have loved you every bit as much as I did the day I realized you were my soulmate. You are my best friend, partner, husband, and heart. I promise to try harder than I ever have, and to give everything I am into making our life together as beautiful as I know it will be. I promise to stay by your side and love you forever, come what may.”

            Minhyuk’s hand shook in Hakyeon’s. He was fighting hard to keep himself together. He looked pointedly at the sky, blinking until his eyes dried up a bit. Hakyeon watched him with a loving smile as the older Lee brother declared them married. They exchanged rings, and then they kissed. Hakyeon heard one of his nephews in the front row gasp, but that was okay. His nieces and nephews were here, their parents wanted them to see this, and that was enough. The crowd clapped appreciatively, many standing from their seats. Hakyeon and Minhyuk faced them with their hands still clasped, their matching rings gleaming in the light of the setting sun.

 

            They served dinner after the ceremony, and Hakyeon and Minhyuk held hands as they greeted and thanked each one of their guests. When Hakyeon’s sister approached, he told her how beautiful she looked in her hanbok, and how grateful he was that she’d worn it.

            “I may not have to take her place forever, you know,” she said. “You know she kept the flowers?” Hakyeon exchanged a surprised look with Minhyuk.          

“She kept the flowers I sent?”

            “She did,” his sister confirmed. “In fact, when I was trying to get her to come to the wedding, she kept smelling the flowers and playing with the vase. She’s been sad since she spoke to you at Jellyfish. I think seeing all her children come around to you and Minhyuk has really made her think, Hakyeonie.” Hakyeon smiled sadly.

            “I’m glad to hear that, but I wouldn’t get my hopes up too much, noona. Every time we think she’s changed her mind—“

            “I know,” she promised him, putting a comforting hand on Hakyeon’s shoulder. “But you know what she said, just before I left for the wedding? She said, “Do you think Chuseok will be a little lonely this year?”” Hakyeon exchanged another look with Minhyuk, and his sister went on. “I told her yes, I did, because we’d be missing someone very important. And then she looked at the flowers again, and she said really quietly, “I don’t like it when it’s lonely. Maybe…””

            Hakyeon raised his eyebrows when his sister trailed off. “Maybe what?” he asked urgently. She shrugged.

            “I don’t know, Mom stopped there. But I’m pretty sure I know what she was thinking, Yeonnie. Also…she told me not to tell you this, but she asked me to make sure someone recorded the ceremony. She wants me to show it to her when I get home. She said, “I guess he’s only getting married once…I can’t miss it completely.”” Hakyeon stared at his sister in wonder. Minhyuk looked at him, hopeful and excited.

            “Noona…do you think…?” Hakyeon trailed off, his throat feeling tight. She smiled gently and patted his arm.

            “All I can say is, keep sending her flowers, Hakyeonie. Something’s getting through.” His sister left him with that. Minhyuk hugged Hakyeon and kissed his cheek.

            “Someday,” Minhyuk promised. Hakyeon nodded, blinking away tears.

            “Someday,” he agreed in a whisper, hugging Minhyuk back.

 

            After dinner, Hakyeon and Minhyuk put on their hanbok and went into the house for _pyebaek_. Minhyuk’s parents and Hakyeon’s sister sat behind a low wooden table laden with chestnuts, jujubes, and dried persimmons, and welcomed the couple warmly. Hakyeon and Minhyuk bowed, and the three offered heartfelt blessings for their life ahead. When they were done Mrs. Lee kissed Hakyeon’s cheek and called him “son,” and Mr. Lee hugged him and welcomed him into their family.

If happiness could melt a person, Hakyeon would’ve been a puddle on the floor by the end.

 

            Minhyuk’s parents left him and Hakyeon the house for the night. As much as the two enjoyed the company of their guests, near the end of the evening they were eager to have the space to themselves. Drunk on each other and the knowledge that they would be partners for life, the two ran upstairs the moment the last guest had bid farewell. Laughing at their own eagerness, they stripped each other of their hanboks and everything underneath in minutes.

            Hakyeon smirked, almost predatory, and pushed Minhyuk back on the bed. Minhyuk fell onto the sheets and looked up at him with hooded eyes, lips parted in arousal as Hakyeon climbed on top of him. “You are hands down the most beautiful being on this earth,” Minhyuk murmured, running his hands reverently over Hakyeon’s tan skin. They’d lit one of Hakyeon’s homemade scented candles, and the flickering, shadowy light made him look like a perfectly sculpted bronze statue. Hakyeon’s eyes were dark with desire, and his lips curved teasingly.

            “I told you you’d love that black suit.”

            “Could hardly keep my hands off you during the ceremony,” Minhyuk agreed, his hands inching lower at a tantalizingly slow pace. Hakyeon huffed in impatience, too worked up to wait, and pressed his mouth to Minhyuk’s. Hakyeon laid across him, marveling again at the way his body fit so perfectly into every curve of Minhyuk’s, relishing the feeling of his partner’s heat soaking into his skin. Hakyeon curled his fingers in Minhyuk’s hair and traced the roof of his mouth with his tongue. Minhyuk gave an aroused little growl and rolled them so he was on top. Hakyeon wrapped his legs tight around Minhyuk’s hips, and Minhyuk ground against him. When Minhyuk pulled back to kiss his neck, Hakyeon tipped his head back and moaned. Minhyuk chuckled.

“Good thing we have this house to ourselves,” he purred.

“You’d better let me hear you tonight,” Hakyeon replied in a low voice. Minhyuk shivered, knowing that was an order he couldn’t refuse. In retaliation, he began to slide down Hakyeon’s body, kissing his way down his neck, chest, and abdomen, the kisses becoming more when Minhyuk’s lips found their way between his legs. Hakyeon closed his eyes and tipped his head back. He let his legs fall apart with a pleasured sigh, spreading himself wide open so Minhyuk, when he was ready, could slide right in. Hakyeon’s face scrunched up involuntarily when he did; but then Minhyuk kissed him to make him feel better and began to roll his hips. Hakyeon relaxed into the motion, sighing again as pleasure began to pool like warm liquid between his thighs.

“Kiss me,” Hakyeon whispered, because he wanted to be as physically connected with Minhyuk right now as he possibly could be. Minhyuk sealed their lips together again, and Hakyeon let his next moan be lost in his partner’s mouth. Minhyuk pushed Hakyeon’s legs up a little more and re-angled his hips. Hakyeon arched on the mattress, tightening around Minhyuk while he hid a soft cry with their kiss.

“Hakyeon…” Minhyuk gasped against their lips as a shudder went through him. He pressed harder into Hakyeon, their bodies warm against each other’s as he pushed in as deep as he could. Hakyeon gasped, tightening his grip on Minhyuk. His heels pressed into Minhyuk, urging _Yes, there, please…!_ until Minhyuk was grinding against that spot and Hakyeon was whimpering beneath him, eyes foggy with pleasure, panting as he gazed up at Minhyuk. Hakyeon’s face was flushed in the candlelight, hair sticking with sweat, lips parted and wet, lids heavy over glazed eyes…and Minhyuk thought he’d never looked more beautiful. He dropped his gaze to where Hakyeon’s slender body arched against his, and Minhyuk shivered, bucking his hips harder as fiery pleasure scorched through him like lightning.

He looked at Hakyeon again, his eyes stinging. It was probably embarrassing to be crying during sex, but in that moment, he couldn’t help it. Minhyuk had never felt love like this. It was so intense it almost hurt, like his soul would swell too much and combust because it couldn’t take it. Minhyuk couldn’t help thinking about everything they’d been through together, about how close he’d come, so many times, to losing this miracle beneath him. Despite everything thrown their way, despite how hard so many people had tried to break him, Hakyeon had survived; and even more amazing, he’d chosen Minhyuk to spend the hard-earned years of freedom ahead of him with.

Minhyuk didn’t imagine anyone had ever been so lucky as him. For all that he liked to call him an angel, Minhyuk knew Hakyeon was only human. Their lives had been too rough, and he was far too imperfect for him to be anything else. But Minhyuk loved every part of Hakyeon, where he was weak and where he was strong, and everything in between. A life with Hakyeon wouldn’t be easy, and it wouldn’t always be smooth. But Minhyuk would never ask for anything else, because no one in all his life had ever warmed his soul like Hakyeon. No one had ever made him feel like love really was worth dying for. No one had ever made him feel like they’d taken his soul and claimed it as their own, and in a way that made Minhyuk happy to give himself away. But Hakyeon had, and for the rest of his life, Minhyuk knew he’d be grateful to be by his side.

Hakyeon’s pleasured expression turned worried when a teardrop fell on his cheek. “Minhyuk…?” he asked breathlessly. Minhyuk just smiled, not even embarrassed to be crying on Hakyeon right now. He was too happy.

“I love you, Cha Hakyeon. I love you.” Hakyeon could feel the joy and love in his voice, and realized the tears were something good. He smiled back, and pulled Minhyuk down into a kiss. They were both getting close now, Minhyuk’s hips thrusting more erratically. He pressed hard into that spot and Hakyeon cried into his mouth, his hips bucking into Minhyuk’s as his body shuddered.

“Minhyuk…” Hakyeon said in a breathless whisper, warning him just how close he was. Minhyuk just kissed him again, his tongue and his hips sliding into Hakyeon in the same breath. Hakyeon whimpered, arms and legs and walls all tightening around Minhyuk at once. He shivered, and Minhyuk pressed their stomachs together just in time to feel his release. Hakyeon cried his name, his eyes sliding closed as he slipped away from reality for a moment, lost in pure ecstasy. Knowing Minhyuk had gotten him to that place made him feel prouder than he ever had. He went there next, filling Hakyeon’s body with that same silky warmth, joining him in that transcendental state for a longer time than he ever had.

When he finally came back to himself, he saw Hakyeon staring up at him. Hakyeon’s arms were around his neck now, and his eyes said more than anything else could. Minhyuk kissed him to show him he felt the same, in bliss knowing that this night with Hakyeon was only the first of a lifetime to come.

 

 

 

Epilogue:

 “Hyung! Fix my headpiece,” Ken whined. With a stressed little huff, Hakyeon hurried over and readjusted the cords around Ken’s ears that led to his earpiece, grumbling about how he had his solo stage soon and didn’t have time to be taking caring of five children at once. Ken just smirked, and Hakyeon’s annoyance evaporated when the lead vocal threw him an irresistible aegyo expression. “You know you love taking care of us,” Ken taunted. Hakyeon opened his mouth to deny it, but before he could he felt a hand on his back.

“Come on, Hakyeon. You know you do,” Minhyuk agreed, grinning. Hakyeon rolled his eyes, but couldn’t keep his lips from twitching in a smile. He did love it. It had been nice, these past months, to be able to resume his role of caring for and leading the members. When he’d come back from his honeymoon, Hakyeon had thrown himself back into VIXX with fervor, and they’d had two successful comebacks since the wedding. Now they were holding their first solo concert since the pictures were released, and tickets had sold out in minutes.

Minhyuk raised Hakyeon’s hand and kissed his wedding ring. Hakyeon never took it off now, not even for concerts. The fans loved seeing it, like they’d loved the pictures of the wedding they’d released after the honeymoon.

“Slay that stage,” Minhyuk told him with a wink. Hakyeon smirked.

“Always.” All five of his members took a break from getting ready for their own stages to wish him luck. Ken and Ravi hugged him, Hongbin patted him on the back, Hyuk gave him a high five, and Leo told him with quiet sincerity that he would be amazing out there. Minhyuk gave him a quick kiss for luck, and then Hakyeon took his place on the platform lift beneath the stage. As the lift began to rise, Hakyeon turned to look down at the six men smiling up at him, and felt bathed in warmth long before the stage lights touched his skin.

Hakyeon performed his solo better than he ever had, to the adoring screams of thousands of Starlights. He’d choreographed the dance himself, to the song he and Minhyuk had written together. The moves followed the song, telling a story of a fall, uncertainty, pain, a battle that seemed hopeless. But in the end Hakyeon’s body moved light and free, graceful like water stirring in the wind, happy and at peace. He’d won.

When the song ended Hakyeon was panting, dripping with sweat, and surrounded by thunderous cheers. Starlights stood up to applaud him, and at that moment Hakyeon caught sight of a familiar figure in the front row. Hakyeon’s sister had come to the concert, and sitting beside her was an ahjumma. Hakyeon froze, forgetting for a moment that he was on stage. His gaze flicked to his sister for confirmation. She nodded. Hakyeon looked back at the ahjumma. He watched as she wiped her eyes, stood, and began to clap. The ahjumma smiled.

Hakyeon smiled back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so, so much for reading! This was my first fanfiction I’ve ever posted, and I was pretty nervous to share it. But seeing how many people read this story, and receiving all your kudos and comments (special shout out to LlamaCow and Nuimee!) made this whole experience exciting, fun, and fulfilling. I’m really grateful to everyone who read and enjoyed, and pushed me to the finish. I’m glad I got to experience this story with you. Thank you!


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